Dear Abby: Jokes Man Brings Home From the Gym Fail to Pass Wife's Smell Test

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: My husband is a wonderful man. However, over the last few years he has developed an annoying habit of telling jokes wherever we go and to whomever we interact with. Most times his jokes are off-color.

He does it in mixed company when we are out to dinner with friends. It embarrasses me, and I feel it's demeaning to women in general. I'm afraid he's getting a reputation of being a dirty old man. Most of the jokes are ones he hears at the gym where he works out every day.

I have asked him to stop, but he thinks he's being funny and no one minds, so he continues doing it. I have threatened that the next time he does it I'll leave the table and go home. How else do I handle this? -- LOSING MY SENSE OF HUMOR

DEAR LOSING YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR: You say you are friendly with these couples. If that's the case, discuss this with some of the other wives. Tell them how you feel, and ask them how they feel about your husband's jokes. If they, too, find them embarrassing, you might get your message across more effectively if you -- and they -- tell your husband as a group that you'd like him to stop.

Comments

[cereta]

I think Abby's advice misses a key point: the LW has told their spouse that something said spouse is doing is a serious problem for them, and spouse's response is, "No one minds." Your spouse minds. There IS a compromise here, which is that the joke-teller work on developing material that is not off-color or demeaning to women. If he's not willing to do that, then LW should be prepared to follow through on their threat.

Note: I get why Abby suggests having the other wives chime in, but if he needs people other than his own spouse to be bothered in order to stop, that's a problem.

[jadelennox]

Yes, this, exactly. It doesn't matter if no one else minds.

Moreover, it's entirely possible, depending on the dynamics of their social circle that Abby's request would put the other wives in an unacceptable position. Will they feel obliged to backup their friend no matter how they personally see the jokes? Will they feel obliged to say "no, no, don't worry, your husband doesn't upset me at all!" Do they have a social circle which involves professional obligation, in which case the other wives might actually feel pressure in their own marriages not to cause any trouble with LW's husband?

(Also, Abby, way to make the leap from "He does it in mixed company when we are out to dinner with friends" to "these couples ... the other wives."

• LW didn't identify themselves as female
• LW didn't identify the friends as being in couples, married or otherwise
• LW ccertainly didn't identify the other couples as necessarily being husband/wife

All LW said was that their husband did this in the presence of female friends.)

[the_rck]

Really, if one's partner asks one not to do something that bothers them, something that's entirely voluntary and easy to change without fundamental personality alteration, that should be enough. It's the social interaction equivalent of asking that one's partner remember not to leave their dirty underwear in the bathroom when guests are coming.

That said, this is the sort of thing where more voices in unison are more likely to get through. The husband doesn't believe that the problem is real because the feedback is only coming from one person. Of course, depending on age and social group, it might be worth asking men as well as women. There's an assumption implicit in the response that all the couples are heterosexual and that only women find jokes that are 'demeaning to women' offensive.

[xenacryst]

One thing I have learned as a parent: don't let your kid call your bluff, and be prepared to follow through on your threats. It actually makes the future interactions go much more smoothly, because they know you have boundaries. Given that the husband is acting like a toddler in this situation, I'd say that leaving the threat of leaving the table is entirely justified. Do it once or twice, and maybe he'll get the message.