Dear Abby:Fiancee Eager to Move Ahead Is Coy About Her Past

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: I'm in my early 30s and recently met a very attractive woman my age. We are planning to get married. She wants us to be married as soon as possible because she has been divorced for the last seven years.

My problem is, she's extremely secretive about her past, especially the period between her divorce and our meeting. I have been open with her about my past, but when I ask about hers, she refuses to discuss it and says it has nothing to do with our relationship.

I have a feeling there may be something nasty she's hiding. I'm afraid I'm heading into a trap, but my love for her makes it tough to consider breaking up. Am I being too demanding? -- CONCERNED GUY IN THE SOUTH

DEAR CONCERNED GUY: If your intuition is screaming that your girlfriend's desire for a hasty marriage could spell trouble in the future, you should pay close attention to it. It is not "too demanding" to want to know what one's fiancee has been doing for the last seven years. Under no circumstances should you marry this woman without first talking to a lawyer, who I am sure will suggest doing a background check and/or drafting an ironclad prenuptial agreement.

Comments

[the_future_modernes]

yeah that sounds a bit red alerty. Seven years of radio silence? Um.

[minoanmiss]

Dude, you're a character in a thriller movie! RUN!

[jadelennox]

I WANT TO KNOW MOAR.

[minoanmiss]

Maybe she's an ASSASSIN.

(how many wacky [possibilities can we come up with?)

[ellen_fremedon]

Ooh, I know! She's the Faerie Queen, she sent her last husband to the teind, and if she doesn't get married by Halloween it'll be her turn this time!

[xenacryst]

I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

It was the seven years thing that gave it away, wasn't it? That's really a suspect number amongst the fae.

[lone_lilly]

She wants us to be married as soon as possible because she has been divorced for the last seven years.

That's... an alarming sentence.

[kaberett]

ISN'T it.

Solid advice, though. Just... wow, yes, people get to have privacy and do not owe you a full accounting of everything they've ever done, but... not being willing to make space for a partner's concerns on this kind of topic does not... fill me with optimism for the partnership as a whole.

[melissatreglia]

Or... there could literally be nothing for her to say about the last seven years, after her divorce and before she met you.

I was single for a decade before I met my fiance. Yeah, I went to school and stuff, but there's nothing to say on the relationship front because I didn't HAVE any relationships at that time. Not even one night stands. I was celibate.

She might want to rush into marriage because she's tired of being lonely. Which, yes, isn't smart. Unlike LW's gal, my fiance and I took our time letting our relationship evolve (a year and a half before getting engaged), with both of us checking in on ourselves that we're maintaining our mental health.

Broach the subject with her gently. She might feel embarrassed about her time alone, because our society treats celibacy (ie. lack of sexual experiences over a long period of time) as somehow "freakish". She might very well be worried that your perception of her will change because of it, that you'll think of her as cold and unfeeling because she wasn't hopping into someone's bed.

[adrian_turtle]

There's quite a lot of difference between her "I won't tell you anything about what I did for the last seven years," and your "I was single for ten years." Did you tell your fiance about going to school and stuff? Work, travel, family, religion, sports, fandom? Or only about your previous romantic relationships?

There are lots of episodes a person might want to put behind her after 7 years. Maybe she's been under the hill. (I like Ellen's idea, above, but it's more common for people to be kidnapped by the fae (creating 7-year gaps in their histories) than for the fairy queen herself to turn up in this kind of situation.) Maybe she had trouble with drugs and now she's done with rehab and/or out of prison. Maybe she flunked out of grad school and doesn't want to think about that subject. Maybe she was involved in a cult. Maybe she had a baby. Maybe she was sick with something stigmatized.