Dear Abby: Husband's Distress Over Ex's Bad News Perplexes New Wife

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to my husband for five years. He's the man of my dreams, and we have a wonderful marriage. Recently we learned that his ex-wife -- to whom he was married for 20 years -- has been diagnosed with a life-threatening cancer. They have two adult children together.

I have never questioned my husband's love or devotion to me. What's bothering me is his reaction to the news. They had a horrible relationship and never got along, but he is very upset over this. I'm not sure how to handle this. I don't want to seem insensitive, but the emotion he is showing for her has really hurt me. I realize she's the mother of his children, but they have been divorced for years. Please help me understand what's going on with him. -- STRONG EMOTIONS

DEAR STRONG EMOTIONS: Not knowing your husband, I can only hazard a few guesses. Although he and his ex-wife have been divorced for years, the idea of a possibly fatal illness striking someone who was once so close may be what's upsetting him. Or he may feel some guilt because of the circumstances of their divorce. Or her diagnosis may have been a chilly reminder of his own mortality. I hope this will give you some insight, because you are going to have to be patient with him until this is resolved.

Comments

[cereta]

Dear LW,

1. Your husband once love this woman, and is capable of seeing past their acrimony to remember that enough to have compassion for her. This is a good thing.

2. Your husband has enough empathy to show compassion for a person he shared many experiences, and two children, with. This is a good thing.

3. Love is not pie. Your husband's compassion for his ex need not diminish his love for you. This is a good thing.

4. You are apparently upset that your husband has compassion for someone he once loved, the mother of his children, etc, a someone who is facing a very hard, difficult, scary situation. This is not a good thing.

[lilysea]

1. Your husband once love this woman, and is capable of seeing past their acrimony to remember that enough to have compassion for her. This is a good thing.

2. Your husband has enough empathy to show compassion for a person he shared many experiences, and two children, with. This is a good thing.

a) if your relationship ends, you have evidence that your husband may well treat you with compassion. This is a good thing.

b) if you get seriously ill, you have evidence that your husband may well treat you with compassion. This is a good thing.

[cereta]

Yes. Very much yes.

[likeaduck]

We'll, that's unhelpful.

[the_rck]

There may be considerable upset about how losing their mother might affect his children, both emotionally and financially. Even if she makes it through, the financial burden could be devastating. I'm wondering how old the kids are. I'm assuming they're adults because the LW doesn't say they live with her and her husband or with their mother. We don't know how long it was between the end of the previous marriage and the beginning of this one, so it's hard to guess the age range. Are they old enough to be able to bear the weight of care? Are they local enough to and otherwise in a position to? Is one-- or both-- of them still in school and dependent on financial support from their mother or from both parents?

And really, cancer is a terrible thing for anybody. Does the LW expect glee?

Twenty years is a long time to share a life. It may have been terrible by the end, but there had to have been a time when it was good. That part is easier to remember after a gap of years. The LW's husband may be remembering the person he married however many years ago and why he chose to.