Dear Abby: Difficult Conversation With Girlfriend Looms for Man Attracted to Another

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: I have a tough problem. I care very much for my girlfriend. She keeps me in check and does everything for me. However, my best friend's sister and I are extremely close. By close, I mean we have conversations about how things would be if we were dating. We have so much fun together. We never, ever argue, whereas my girlfriend and I are constantly fighting. I legitimately want the other girl, but I don't know what I should do. -- SCARED AND STUCK IN ST. PAUL

DEAR SCARED AND STUCK: You are a free man, neither married nor engaged. Because you have romantic feelings for someone else, gather your courage and level with your girlfriend. Tell her that while you appreciate everything she has done for you, you want to be free to date other people and think she should, too. The news will probably come as a shock to her, but it's the honest thing to do and better for both of you.

Comments

Warning: possible projection ahead

[cereta]

LW: You don't have a girlfriend. You have a second mother. "She keeps me in check and does everything for me" is not the description of a healthy life partnership. Whether you can or want to make it work with this other girl is beside the point:* you should either work to make your current relationship more of a partnership or end it.

*Except this point: you say you never argue with this girl. Yeah. Possibly this is because you're not dating/making a life together? Look, she may well be the one, but have you heard the expression about the relative color of grass? Just...don't expect constant bliss, okay? You're setting both of you up for failure.

Re: Warning: possible projection ahead

[vass]

Agreed. The vibe I am getting is that their arguments are probably because he has (or they have together, or she has) made it her job to "keep him in check", and he doesn't like it when she "nags" him to do his homework or clean his room. He'll have the same arguments with anyone he puts in that role.

[ambyr]

The advice seems mired in a rather antiquated notion that only marriage constitutes a committed relationship. The words he wants aren't "we should be free to date other people" (unless he is in fact interested in polyamory); it's "we are breaking up." I don't know any monogamous friends who, having settled into a committed dating relationship, would take kindly to the notion that they should switch to seeing each other casually.

[watersword]

I want to write a letter to this person's girlfriend, because she deserves so much better than a partner she has to "do everything for" and "keep in check."

[cereta]

Agreed.

[vass]

Oh, well if he legitimately wants her, that changes everything.

I mean, if he just felt like screwing up his relationship for funsies, I'd say forget about it, but if this is a case of legitimate want of course he should follow his bliss.

Not.

Polyamory is a thing, but it's not a good thing to start when you and your pre-existing partner are "constantly fighting". I'd start by addressing whatever they're constantly fighting about, and do some thinking about whether (independent of his legitimate pantsfeelings or not) he and his current girlfriend want the same things. Starting by asking what she wants, out of the relationship and in general.

[minoanmiss]

This x infinity.

[xenacryst]

Pretty much everything said up there. But I gotta say, my first reaction is just a simple, "OH, GROW UP."

Also, I think this is a train wreck that everyone but the engineer can see coming for miles. And I suspect that the engineer will only realize it after he's learned from it. Or not.