Dear Abby: Grandma Refuses to Take Boy's Diabetes Seriously

[lilysea]

DEAR ABBY: I am a 29-year-old single mother of two small children. My 5-year-old son was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. I'm the only one in my family who has been trained in his care, so I understand the importance of a healthy diet, proper insulin dosage, checking his blood sugar, etc., and that unless his diabetes is properly managed, it could lead to serious health issues -- even death.

I have explained these things to my mother and attempted to train her several times, yet she continues to do things she shouldn't be doing. She stops by my house almost every night with "treats" like candy, ice cream, chocolate bars, doughnuts, etc. When I get upset about it, she'll casually reply, "Oh, whatever. If you dose him for the carbs in it, he's fine," which is not the case. Yes, he can have a treat now and then, but overall, he needs to stay away from that stuff.

It is extremely frustrating that she refuses to listen to me and continues to disrespect my wishes. I don't know what else to do. We have fought repeatedly over this, and she keeps telling me I'm "overreacting." I'm terrified my son will have permanent damage because of this. How do I get her to stop and listen to me? -- FRUSTRATED IN WISCONSIN

DEAR FRUSTRATED: You have allowed your son's medical condition to become a power struggle between you and your mother. Schedule an appointment with your son's pediatrician so your mother can have the facts of life explained to her. If that doesn't help her to accept reality, then understand that she can't be trusted. Do not allow her to drop by with goodies, and supervise any contact he has with her. It is your job to protect your little boy, even from your obtuse mother, if necessary.

Comments

[cereta]

WTF is it with people and other people's medical conditions? It's bad enough ehen people pull that shit on an adult, but a kid? I don't know that I'd even take the step with the pediatrician. If we had hit the multiple argument stage and she still wasn't listening to me, that would be the end of the "dropping by."

[neotoma]

WTF does 'have allowed your son's medical condition to become a power struggle' mean? It sure sounds like Abby is blaming the mom for grandmother's irresponsible and undermining actions.

I mean, I think the suggestion of arranging a meeting between grandmother and doctor is the a good one, because maybe the grandmother is one of those people who will only listen to an authority, because god forbid she actually treats her daughter like an adult who must be taken seriously.

But I'd be banning her now, not waiting. She can't be trusted now, and this could really hurt the kid. It's certainly not helping him understand how his diabetes should be managed.

I'd also be looking for someone else to be the kid's back-up emergency adult instead of grandma. Especially in medical emergencies...

[vass]

You know, even if her kid didn't have diabetes, "my mother stops by my house almost every night with candy, ice cream, chocolate bars, doughnuts, etc, for my two small children" would sound like something weird is up.

Does LW want her mother to visit that often? Would she want her mother to be giving her kids 'treats' on a daily or near-daily basis even if they were sugar-free? Is there an financial level to this too, where as a single parent with a chronically ill child LW might not be able to afford many extras for her kids, and here's grandma showing up with a deluge of treats?

The fact that these treats are threatening her son's health takes it to a whole other level, of course, but LW's mother would be out of line anyway and sounds like she's trying to bribe her grandchildren to like her or to see her as a second (and more fun) parent.

[eleanorjane]

One strategy that might help the LW, assuming she wants to change her mother's mind rather than draw lines in the sand, would be to enlist her help in selecting treats.

Maybe a script like "I know you think I'm being overly harsh on [Son]. I'm really not trying to deprive him, though, so I thought maybe you could help me figure out treats he *could* have" and then start brainstorming ideas and recipes together. That would help the grandmother see the more complicated side of managing [Son]'s health, and might increase her buy-in to the whole idea.

Writing that, actually, makes me wonder if part of the problem is that it's really all about the kind of grandma that grandma wants to be. If LW's mother was looking forward to being the generous much-loved Cool Grandma, having her daughter say "no you can't give him that" feels like a personal attack, no matter how rational the reason.

If that's the case, maybe LW could follow up with "You're right, it's important for [Son] to have some treats in his life. Maybe there are non-food treats you could bring him, if you want to spoil him a bit?" and then they could pick out some category of treat that only Grandma gets to give him? (A particular range of toys, or tiny lego sets or whatever.) That way grandma gets to feel like Special Generous Grandma and LW doesn't have to worry about what she's feeding Son... and Son gets cool Lego. :)

[kaberett]

Huh. Thank you so much for providing this compassionate alternative -- I'm not sure grandma "deserves" it in that I am 100% sure I wouldn't have the cope to deal with it (grandma's hurt feelings MATTER LESS THAN CHILD STAYING ALIVE, and also she is an ADULT who needs to LEARN HOW TO EXPRESS THIS STUFF), but I find it very interesting to have the perspective!

[eleanorjane]

One thing that has changed my perspective a bit is the concept of "emotional intelligence". After evals at work, I found out that I rate relatively highly for emotional intelligence but didn't realise it, so I'd always assumed other people were much the same as me -- so people being irrational like this always irked the hell out of me because they just seemed to be assholes.

In my current job I've had a lot more exposure to the concepts of emotional intelligence and what it's like when people don't have it. I was kind of shocked at how un-self-aware and un-reflective most people are! (Edited after the fact to add: this was not meant to sound as judgy as it did; merely a reflection on the fact that my assumptions about other people were entirely incorrect.)

So now I sort of make a conscious effort to think "what might Grandma be feeling that she doesn't understand or hasn't identified, that is causing her to act in this terrible/ludicrous/ludicrously terrible way?" It's a surprisingly valauble tool when it comes to this kind of thing.

On the other hand, I entirely support anybody's right to draw a line in the sand and say "I don't care if you *mean* well, you're still *being* an asshole; go away and don't come back until you've grown up a bit". I'm just presuming here that the LW doesn't want to take the nuclear option if they don't have to. :)

[cimorene]

Sounds like this letter writer is headed for a crash course in manipulation, passive aggression, toxic relationships, and probably limited contact with her mother...