cereta: Laura Cereta (cereta)
Lucy ([personal profile] cereta) wrote in [community profile] agonyaunt2017-06-19 11:59 am
Entry tags:

Dear Abby: Cross-dresser ponders going behind wife's back

Note: I changed the subject line a little to make it less pejorative. I'm also kind of stuck on the trigger warning, so I'm just going to call it a general clusterfuck and point to the subject line.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a married, heterosexual male. My wife found out a year ago that I have been cross-dressing, and she's not OK with it. She told me not to do it anymore.

I love my wife and I don't want to lose her, but this is who I am and I can't change it. I had an idea. My sister-in-law lives with us. She's a few years younger than my wife, very open-minded and liberal. I'm wondering if you think I should come out to her in the hope she can persuade my wife to let me dress up, or go behind my wife's back and help me dress up?

The downside would be that I'd have to go into her room and try on her clothes. She probably wouldn't be pleased about that. Also, she has such a close bond with my wife that she might tell her and refuse to help me. Any ideas, Abby? -- HOPELESS CROSS-DRESSER

DEAR CROSS-DRESSER: If this is who you are, you should have told your wife about your need to cross-dress before you married her. I do not think you should attempt to recruit your sister-in-law because, whatever she decides, it could damage either your marriage or their relationship.

Not knowing your wife, I can't guess how amenable she would be to counseling. Some women don't mind accommodating their husbands and enjoy helping them cross-dress. However, if your wife can't adjust, you will have to ask yourself whether you can continue in this marriage.
the_rck: (Default)

[personal profile] the_rck 2017-06-19 05:45 pm (UTC)(link)
Oh, good heavens. The advice isn't utterly terrible, but the first line of the response is very judgmental/blamey in a way that makes looking at what comes after very difficult. It's also completely unnecessary.

Couples counseling, preferably with someone open minded, does seem like a good option, and bringing the SIL into is a truly terrible one. I have sympathy for both parties in the marriage, and this may well be something that ends the marriage. Sometimes that happens even when everyone involved means well. Both parties have to be in on that discussion, though.
redbird: closeup of me drinking tea (Default)

[personal profile] redbird 2017-06-19 07:01 pm (UTC)(link)
I sort of see the argument for "you should have told her sooner," not just fairness to LW's wife but that being up-front about what's important to you makes it easier to find a partner who is okay with it. The problem, of course, is that that assumes that LW knew that this was something that he wanted to do, and that he knew he wouldn't be happy without it (not the same thing).

This is a case where I think some of the commenters on the Dear Abby website are more on point than the official response: there is a huge jump from "I would like to ask my sister-in-law to help me persuade my wife that this is okay" to "ask her to go behind my wife's back and help me dress up" and "I'd have to go into her room and try on her clothes. She probably wouldn't be pleased about that."

Thinking of this from Sister-in-law's viewpoint: I can imagine being sympathetic to "Can you help me persuade my wife that there's nothing wrong with me cross-dressing, so she'll let me do it." I can't imagine being sympathetic to "help me sneak behind your sister's back to cross-dress, and by 'help' I mean 'be there while I do it, wearing your clothing.'"
xenacryst: Manny, from Black Books, with pig tails in a drinking bout (ORLY?  YARLY.)

[personal profile] xenacryst 2017-06-21 03:55 pm (UTC)(link)
Yeah, the first line of the response kind of triggered the "flames from the side of my face" reaction. If that's how Abby believes living and discovering gender expression works, then I have an extremely hard time taking anything else she says at all seriously. Fortunately, she doesn't actually say anything else - she just limp noodles some stuff that's probably already obvious to the LW.