Dear Abby

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: I am a gay man. My boyfriend, "James," and I have been together for nine years with a few time-outs. I'm 59; he's 57. In many ways we have a great relationship and care deeply for each other. Our problem? We are in the same field of employment but work for different companies. He works full-time in a highly stressful position, while I work 20 hours a week and have a great time doing it.

James earns twice what I do. I have no money put away for retirement because I don't earn enough to save. James doesn't like it. He wants someone who is his equal in saving money.

Obviously, our story isn't as simple as it sounds. His therapist supports his feelings. Mine says: "In 2008, when everyone lost their pensions, you didn't see a bunch of people filing for divorce, did you? There are more important things than money."

I don't know what to do. I want to grow old with James. -- MONEY WOES IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR MONEY: You two need a different kind of mediation than two shrinks and an advice columnist. From where I sit, you would benefit from consulting a financial planner who can help you figure out if there's a way to put away some money for a rainy day. If you include James when you do, it might also give him some insight.

Comments

[cereta]

It would be really helpful to know why the LW only works 20 hours a week. And by "really helpful," I mean I pretty much can't judge the merits of the LW's situation without that information. I would expect someone with physical or mental health impediments to mention them,or for him to say is he cannot find full-time work, but I'm endlessly amazed at what people think is relevant.

If he's just choosing to, is he bringing other things to the relationship? More work around the house, etc?He says there's more to the story, and I can't help be think that the answer lies in this "more."

All that said, I think the shrink's analogy is a bad one. There's a very big difference between losing your savings through someone else's malfeasance/negligence and not having retirement savings because you didn't save any. I'm not saying that makes "James" right: see above re: whole lost of information missing, but I don't think it's a particularly good analogy at all.

[tielan]

Sounds like they need a relationship advisor of some kind, not two separate therapists looking at it from their particular angle. It's money matters within a relationship, where the money is affecting the relationship.

But yes, there's a lot that's going unsaid and the gaps we're presented with are probably one of the big reasons for the disconnect between the partners.

Also, I am a little curious as to how common this is in same-sex relationships, particularly m/m relationships? e.g. in m/f relationships, I imagine most guys would have little problem supporting a wife/female partner who only worked 20 hours. There might even be some status for a guy who works full-time in a highly stressful position to be supporting his partner entirely on his own income. Does this kind of "I want my partner - a man who I psychologically see as equal to me - to pull his weight" mentality crop up very often in gay relationships? (It may crop up in lesbian relationships, too.)

[shirou]

On m/f relationships: I know some couples where both partners work and others where one partner, usually the wife, stays home to take care of the kids. (My wife and I fall in the first category; our kids go to daycare.) But even though it doesn't come with a salary, taking care of kids is work. I don't know anyone who simply chooses not to work, or to work only half time. I'm sure it happens, but in my experience, it's not the norm for m/f relationships, at least for couples in their 30's. I don't know about their late 50's.

Why does the LW want to grow old with James, because he loves James or because James has money? Is the LW's retirement plan to live on James' savings? I'm not sure there's much the LW can do now; the decision lies with James. James has to decide whether he wants to assume financial responsibility for the LW and proceed from there.

[minoanmiss]

The ant and the grasshopper, in love.

[shirou]

Great comment!

[minoanmiss]

curtseys

[lilysea]

I'm wondering if the man working 20 hours a week is doing so

a) because that's all he can cope with due to Anxiety, Depression, Autism[1], migraines, chronic pain or some other issue;

b) if he can only *find* 20 hours of work a week due to a depressed job market;

c) if he is doing more than 50% of the unpaid work such as housework; grocery shopping etc etc that benefits both himself AND his boyfriend

d) if he is helping care for elderly parents

So many questions...

[1] I know some Autistic people can work 40 hours/week, but many Autistic people get severe Autistic burnout if they do so...

[cereta]

Yeah, that was my comment, too. I tend to assume that people will mention relevant stuff like that, but you'd think 20+ years of teaching college writing would have taught me better.