agonyaunt | (no subject)

DEAR ABBY: One of my dear friends is Christian. She knows I'm Jewish. I don't expect her to acknowledge many of the Jewish holidays because I'm sure she's unfamiliar with them. However, Hanukkah is ubiquitous, and it would be nice if she would wish me a "Happy Hanukkah."

Every year, she wishes me a "Merry Christmas," buys me a Christmas gift and a Christmas card. She's a truly nice person, and I don't think she's deliberately being dismissive or insensitive. I have mentioned this to her several times over the years, but it seems to fall on deaf ears. Without insulting her or seeming ungrateful, how can I let her know this bothers me? -- OBSERVANT IN OHIO

DEAR OBSERVANT: If she's a dear friend, she's not likely trying to upset you. A month before the beginning of Hanukkah this year, "remind" her that you do not celebrate the Christian holiday of Christmas. It should allow her enough time to find a suitable card for you. If she forgets after that, do not exile her into the wilderness, but forgive her.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearabby/s-2827119

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Sensible of LW to ask this question in June, instead of waiting until December.

My thought is that the Jewish calendar is packed full of holidays. If LW made a point to give a holiday greeting and, where applicable, invite Friend to a party or synagogue-run event for every single one of them, Friend might get the hint sometime before Thanksgiving. Whereupon LW could immediately bombard her with nonstop dreidels and doughnuts until January. And give her a menorah, because of course she doesn't have one. (Wait. How can I sign up for the nonstop doughnuts?)

If LW made a point to give a holiday greeting and, where applicable, invite Friend to a party or synagogue-run event for every single one of them, Friend might get the hint sometime before Thanksgiving. Whereupon LW could immediately bombard her with nonstop dreidels and doughnuts until January. And give her a menorah, because of course she doesn't have one. (Wait. How can I sign up for the nonstop doughnuts?)

This is the level of passive aggressive I need from friends. Ones that come with nonstop dreidels and doughnuts. Where do I sign up?

If it were me, I would forgive her while casually dropping the Christmas card in the trash when I saw it in my mail!

There's forgiveness, and there's putting up with microaggressions (intentional or not) for far longer than one should.

I think this is probably a 'use your words' situation.

Personally I think after trying to be gentle about it "several times over the years," it's time to escalate. She doesn't *want* to be dismissive or upset you? She's doing both of those things, and she's determined not to notice it.

I'm not suggesting escalating very far, at least at first - there's a lot of space between a nervous hint and a screaming fit. How about a matter-of-fact statement that this behavior is hurtful and a refusal to soothe the resulting awkwardness? Let her feel bad about it without immediately taking it back and saying it's okay. And give her a better option. Say "here's a way to be kind and friendly to me that's not pushing Christianity on me" and suggest a Hanukkah card or whatever.

(And if she reacts badly - if she thinks you're "persecuting" her for not being onboard with Christmassed at, then you've learned something about her, haven't you. *Is* she really a nice person? Is she really a good friend? Let her prove it by listening to you.)

It's hard to say what the next step should be, LW, without knowing what your "mentions" were. If you've told her outright that it hurts you to be given Christmas cards and you'd like her to stop, we're in a very different place than if you've just offhand mentioned you're Jewish a few times.

If you haven't outright asked her to stop, it's possible she simply doesn't realize it bothers you. One of the toughest things in situations like this is not knowing what you don't know. You may be her first Jewish friend; or she may have had other Jewish friends who were content to take part in their friends' Christian celebrations. Certainly, the kind of "I have Jewish friends!" narratives that Christian America pushes on young people still often center around "She celebrates Christmas with me, and I celebrate Hannukkah with her, and we all get along!" - she may even be understanding 'sending you a Christmas present' as a demonstration that she accepts your Jewish identity by welcoming you into her family circle as you are instead of excluding you as different.

In that case, the only recourse, I'm afraid, is to have an actual conversation about it with her where you both listen and share POVs.

If you have already repeatedly had that conversation where you're very clear that getting Christmas gifts and greetings from her upsets you, and she's still doing it, you'll have to decide what your friendship with the person is worth. Some Christians are unwilling to step back on something like that, and pushing harder almost certainly won't help. You can decide if you want to step away from the friendship, or if you want to tolerate this. (If you choose tolerate, I suggest making sure to send her a passive-aggressive Hannukkah card every year.)

This. Saying "I'm Jewish" or even "I don't celebrate Christmas" isn't enough of a hint, because there are Jews who really are ok with receiving Christmas cards; they perceive it as a welcoming gesture from members of the common culture. It's possible to be polite yet explicit, along the lines of "I know you mean well, but I'm really not comfortable receiving Christmas cards." If it's not a very deep friendship, it may be better to leave it there rather than go into mutual exchange of views about why some people are comfortable with it and others aren't, and why she thought it was ok or whether or not you should be ok with it...

It's like those great chocolate chip cookies I give all my friends, except Mary who says she's allergic to chocolate. How on earth can she be allergic to chocolate when her twin sister eats it all the time? It doesn't matter. Mary gets a different kind of cookie. Or no cookie. We might possibly discuss genetics and allergies and allergy treatment...but she knows a lot more about that than I do and she might be tired of talking about it.

Drop her like an antisemitic hot potato. Walk away.

FU, Abby.

I grew up Hindu - I have always received Christmas cards and presents from Christian friends, as do my parents. Very rarely does anyone wish us a happy Diwali who isn't Hindu. I think that's normal?

Sure, and if you're okay with this, that's great.

LW is clearly not okay with this, and if they've told Friend to stop doing this, Friend needs to respect that.

Sure but I guess I am saying that I think her expectations are a bit outside the norm so it's not surprising that her friend doesn't remember. I don't think anyone has ever wished me or my parents a happy Diwali without a direct prompt which suggests it is outside the norm.

By prompt I mean if I have mentioned it first or brought diwali sweets into the office.

It's your right to be offended by whatever but I think you're just going to be offended all the time if you live in a majority Christian country and take offence at a Christmas card/happy Christmas. It's not so much that I am "ok with it" as just don't have the enthusiasm to be offended for the whole of December

Edited 2023-06-05 15:27 (UTC)

But LW isn't upset about everybody wishing them a Merry Christmas. They're upset about a "dear friend" doing it despite being reminded not to.

Also, we have no idea if this friend is giving LW secular Christmas cards with Santa and reindeer - slightly problematic but probably not intentionally offensive - or straight up Jesus ones - which is just no.

LW, is your friend being a deliberate jerk, or is she being sweet and kind of clueless? I, personally, would approach these two situations very differently.