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One column, two ragebait letters that I hope are fake
Link
1. Dear Care and Feeding,
Growing up, I had tons of friends and was always on the go and immersed in extracurricular activities. My 7-year-old daughter, “Maisy,” simply isn’t interested in people. She has exactly three friends and would rather spend her time reading and studying the birds, squirrels, bugs, and plants in our backyard. She doesn’t have much use for cartoons, like other kids; she would sooner watch science and nature documentaries. I had her tested, and she’s not on the spectrum, so that’s not what Maisy’s problem is. I feel like she’s missing out on so much by not being more sociable. How can I convince her that being the smartest person in the room won’t do her a bit of good if people don’t like her because she has no idea how to interact with other humans?
—Emotional Intelligence Matters Too
Dear Emotional,
Emotional intelligence is not a synonym for sociability or extraversion. And having a “ton of friends,” being “on the go,” and enjoying made-for-children entertainment instead of educational documentaries do not predict emotional intelligence, not to mention happiness in life. Your apparently very smart daughter has three friends (is there some number you consider the threshold for “normal”?)—she is not a person others dislike. (Not that being the smartest person in the room won’t make her a target for a certain type of insecure clod—but so what? She doesn’t have to be universally beloved to be happy.)
You’ve already sent Maisy plenty of messages telling her there’s something “wrong” with her. You’ve compared her to yourself as a child, you’ve urged her (I’m sure) to “go out and play” when she’s perfectly content to be reading, or to get up and play when she’s on the ground out in the sunshine watching ants at work—you’ve had her screened for autism. It’s time to deliver a very different message, or you’re going to inflict damage she’ll spend a lifetime trying to undo: She is just wonderful exactly the way she is. Do not discourage her from doing the things that bring her pleasure, that mean the most to her. Do what you can, instead, to encourage and support her in these pursuits. Here’s a bonus: If you do this, you’ll be modeling real emotional intelligence for her, since one of its basic principles is understanding how other people feel, rather than assuming everyone is just like you.
************
2. Dear Care and Feeding,
My 11-year-old son, “William,” has been interested in magic and illusions for about a year. For his last birthday, my husband and I got him a magic set. William had been greatly enjoying it until my moronic brother “Justin” said something disgusting to him that Justin insists was “just a joke.” After Easter, for which the entire family had gotten together, I came across William’s magic set in the garbage. I asked him why he’d thrown it away, and he said Justin had told him that all magicians are gay and that if he keeps doing magic, he will turn gay too. This upset him (unfortunately, the kids at his school have reached the phase where “gay” is used as an insult). I told him that what Uncle Justin said wasn’t true: People don’t “turn” LGBTQ+, they are born that way, and in any case, there is nothing wrong with being LGBTQ+. I then gave Justin a call.
My brother howled with laughter when I told him that William had thrown out his magic set and why. Justin claimed he’d said it, “just said it to mess with him.” I told him he needed to set the record straight with William, make it clear that he’d made it up, and confirm what I’d already told him about how being LGBTQ+ is not a bad thing. Justin claimed I was making too big a deal over it. He said William should take this as a lesson in learning not to believe everything people tell him. I told him that until he was ready to apologize and tell William the truth, we would be taking a break from seeing him, and I hung up. My parents think I’m in the wrong and that I’m making too much of “a harmless prank.” They are accusing me of causing problems in the family. I don’t think I am. My husband agrees with me and says he’ll support whatever I feel is right. Is this the best option, even if it gets me on the wrong side of my parents?
—Under No Illusions: My Brother Was Wrong
Dear Illusions,
Your brother is a jerk. But why did your 11-year-old not know that what Justin said was ludicrous, wrong, and hateful (to boot)? Why didn’t William already know that “gay” is not an insult, despite what his friends say (using the word this way is not a “phase”—it’s learned behavior), and that queerness is a fact of life, not something you catch by playing with the wrong toys or taking a particular career path? While I wouldn’t expect an 11-year-old to have fine-developed critical thinking skills (i.e., to be able to quickly suss out when his leg is being pulled), I would expect him to know fundamental facts that his parents had taught him long before. Your short lecture to him about the nature of queerness is a case of closing the barn door after the horses have made a run for it. (And your asking Justin to “take it back” is akin to shouting at the barn door to close itself.)
It’s not too late (it’s never too late) to teach your son, both with words and actions and by good example, that people come in all varieties of humanness and that variations are good, healthy, and worthy of love and respect. And that just because his friends say “gay” when they mean “ugh,” or his immature uncle teased him with a nonsensical warning, he doesn’t have to go along with it. Make sure he knows better. That’s your job.
As to Justin, tell him off (again). Go ahead and tell him what a jackass he is. Tell him if he ever pulls this sort of crap again, he’ll lose all access to his nephew. And let your parents know the score. If they don’t like it, it’s just too bad. You’re all grown up: You don’t need to worry about getting on their “wrong side.”
1. Dear Care and Feeding,
Growing up, I had tons of friends and was always on the go and immersed in extracurricular activities. My 7-year-old daughter, “Maisy,” simply isn’t interested in people. She has exactly three friends and would rather spend her time reading and studying the birds, squirrels, bugs, and plants in our backyard. She doesn’t have much use for cartoons, like other kids; she would sooner watch science and nature documentaries. I had her tested, and she’s not on the spectrum, so that’s not what Maisy’s problem is. I feel like she’s missing out on so much by not being more sociable. How can I convince her that being the smartest person in the room won’t do her a bit of good if people don’t like her because she has no idea how to interact with other humans?
—Emotional Intelligence Matters Too
Dear Emotional,
Emotional intelligence is not a synonym for sociability or extraversion. And having a “ton of friends,” being “on the go,” and enjoying made-for-children entertainment instead of educational documentaries do not predict emotional intelligence, not to mention happiness in life. Your apparently very smart daughter has three friends (is there some number you consider the threshold for “normal”?)—she is not a person others dislike. (Not that being the smartest person in the room won’t make her a target for a certain type of insecure clod—but so what? She doesn’t have to be universally beloved to be happy.)
You’ve already sent Maisy plenty of messages telling her there’s something “wrong” with her. You’ve compared her to yourself as a child, you’ve urged her (I’m sure) to “go out and play” when she’s perfectly content to be reading, or to get up and play when she’s on the ground out in the sunshine watching ants at work—you’ve had her screened for autism. It’s time to deliver a very different message, or you’re going to inflict damage she’ll spend a lifetime trying to undo: She is just wonderful exactly the way she is. Do not discourage her from doing the things that bring her pleasure, that mean the most to her. Do what you can, instead, to encourage and support her in these pursuits. Here’s a bonus: If you do this, you’ll be modeling real emotional intelligence for her, since one of its basic principles is understanding how other people feel, rather than assuming everyone is just like you.
2. Dear Care and Feeding,
My 11-year-old son, “William,” has been interested in magic and illusions for about a year. For his last birthday, my husband and I got him a magic set. William had been greatly enjoying it until my moronic brother “Justin” said something disgusting to him that Justin insists was “just a joke.” After Easter, for which the entire family had gotten together, I came across William’s magic set in the garbage. I asked him why he’d thrown it away, and he said Justin had told him that all magicians are gay and that if he keeps doing magic, he will turn gay too. This upset him (unfortunately, the kids at his school have reached the phase where “gay” is used as an insult). I told him that what Uncle Justin said wasn’t true: People don’t “turn” LGBTQ+, they are born that way, and in any case, there is nothing wrong with being LGBTQ+. I then gave Justin a call.
My brother howled with laughter when I told him that William had thrown out his magic set and why. Justin claimed he’d said it, “just said it to mess with him.” I told him he needed to set the record straight with William, make it clear that he’d made it up, and confirm what I’d already told him about how being LGBTQ+ is not a bad thing. Justin claimed I was making too big a deal over it. He said William should take this as a lesson in learning not to believe everything people tell him. I told him that until he was ready to apologize and tell William the truth, we would be taking a break from seeing him, and I hung up. My parents think I’m in the wrong and that I’m making too much of “a harmless prank.” They are accusing me of causing problems in the family. I don’t think I am. My husband agrees with me and says he’ll support whatever I feel is right. Is this the best option, even if it gets me on the wrong side of my parents?
—Under No Illusions: My Brother Was Wrong
Dear Illusions,
Your brother is a jerk. But why did your 11-year-old not know that what Justin said was ludicrous, wrong, and hateful (to boot)? Why didn’t William already know that “gay” is not an insult, despite what his friends say (using the word this way is not a “phase”—it’s learned behavior), and that queerness is a fact of life, not something you catch by playing with the wrong toys or taking a particular career path? While I wouldn’t expect an 11-year-old to have fine-developed critical thinking skills (i.e., to be able to quickly suss out when his leg is being pulled), I would expect him to know fundamental facts that his parents had taught him long before. Your short lecture to him about the nature of queerness is a case of closing the barn door after the horses have made a run for it. (And your asking Justin to “take it back” is akin to shouting at the barn door to close itself.)
It’s not too late (it’s never too late) to teach your son, both with words and actions and by good example, that people come in all varieties of humanness and that variations are good, healthy, and worthy of love and respect. And that just because his friends say “gay” when they mean “ugh,” or his immature uncle teased him with a nonsensical warning, he doesn’t have to go along with it. Make sure he knows better. That’s your job.
As to Justin, tell him off (again). Go ahead and tell him what a jackass he is. Tell him if he ever pulls this sort of crap again, he’ll lose all access to his nephew. And let your parents know the score. If they don’t like it, it’s just too bad. You’re all grown up: You don’t need to worry about getting on their “wrong side.”
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2. LW, I get that they're your family, but do you really want these people in your life?
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I had her tested, and she’s not on the spectrum, so that’s not what Maisy’s problem is.
Translation: you still believe in Normal™; it’s just that Maisy wasn’t formally diagnosed, by those particular testers, with that particular Official Weirdness Permission Slip, meaning that you’re still framing her behavior as Maisy’s Problem—-if not Maisy The Problem.
LW #2: Not a practical reaction, I know, but I really want William to find Diane Duane’s Wizard Manual.
(And it wasn’t that long ago that pickup artists were recommending magic as an icebreaker to impress Hot Chicks.)
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Presumably leading to one of the greatest Ask a Manager posts of all time, and thereby to multiple fanfics based on it.
(The post, for those who haven't yet had the chance to encounter it.)
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She should also tell her family that Uncle Justin said this should be a lesson in not trusting people. Well, they've learned better than to trust Justin, about anything. Also I would ask "where's the prank in lying to my kid about his harmless hobby? No, really, what's funny about it?"
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1. I’ve seen way too many advice letters from extrovert moms insisting that their daughters should join the cheerleading squad, go out to parties every weekend, etc., because that’s what they did in high school.
2. Also seen way too many letters about jerk uncles who think it’s funny to prank their niblings and will NOT take responsibility.
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I want to adopt Maisy, of course. If I still prayed I'd pray that LW listens to the letter rather than contining to try to squash Maisy's square peg into a pompom-shaped hole.