Care & Feeding: Am I Allowed to Join a Church Just to Get Into Its Day Care?

[minoanmiss]

I’m an atheist, but day care is really competitive.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband and I are expecting our first child, and we happen to live in a city where day care is extremely competitive. I’m talking two-plus-year waitlists everywhere we toured. I want to increase our chances of getting into one of these coveted programs any way I can. The majority of these great programs are run by churches. While we happen to be atheists, I’m not opposed to religion, and I think it’s good to expose our child to it as an option they may want.

My in-laws are super religious and will demand we get baby baptized in their religion. I’m fine with that. It’s just a little water, and they’re not trying to make me convert (yet).

Here’s the problem: In an effort to dramatically increase our chances of getting into a good day care, I want to join the church of my No. 1 pick. It’s not the religion of my in-laws. My husband thinks we should just hope for the best and let the chips fall where they may.

Is it ethical for me to join a church because I want the day care, given that I like the community aspects but don’t currently believe in God? My husband thinks this is a horrific abuse, since I am directly benefiting from a community I don’t belong in and would not be a part of without the day care.

He has no issue with the baptizing, since we get no benefit other than making his parents happy. I think they’re both on the same ground ethically, since I am not particularly fond of my in-laws’ religion and will never attend a service there or join that community.

—Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing

Dear Wolf,

I agree that both of these ideas are pretty much ethically equal, and that your husband obviously prefers the one that gets his parents off his back.

I myself am a practicing Christian, and let me tell you: All kinds of people show up. Cold people, hungry people, believers, immigrants seeking sanctuary, unbelievers praying to be freed from their unbelief, unbelievers who just want to get out of the rain, people who are mentally ill, unbelievers who have been showing up for 20 years to stay in Aunt Margo’s will, smug believers who are annoyed by the cold and hungry people, people who thought they were entering a museum, etc.

Is it a church whose values you think are appropriate for your child? This is what matters. I couldn’t enter a homophobic church if it meant my child ascending directly to the finest school in all the land, but could I hang out an hour a week with the Episcopalians and stand and sit when everyone else does and sort-of listen and then steal some cookies on my way out and say, “Great sermon, Pastor Tim”? Why not. If getting into this day care means enough to you to show up, go for it.

Also, they know your little game. Plenty of churches attached to day cares are keeping the lights on by contributions from uninterested parents hoping to get a leg up on the competition.

What’s ethically broken is the lack of universal day care in this country. What you’re proposing is up there with jaywalking. I am more comfortable with the idea of you showing up and being technically open to what this church is saying than I am with you verbally pledging to raise your child in your in-laws’ faith, knowing as you say so that it’s a lie. But, you know, that’s because I think God can hear you. If you don’t, why would you care? If it all turns out to be malarkey, I’ll see you in the great Void or in Valhalla or the afterlife of whoever’s right soon enough. But yeah, your husband is totally overplaying his hand.

Have a day with the exact amount of blessing you desire!

Comments

[minoanmiss]

I found myself really amused by this one even though I disagree (but not heatedly) with the advice. I think if one brings one's children to a church one's children will be taught by a church, to the church's interests. That could lead to issues down the line when the children ask the LW why atheists are going to Hell, or whatever.

OTOH, I wasn't the one who had to find the daycare. I might well have a much different opinion if I had been.

[cimorene]

I agree - I would want to make sure that I at least agreed morally and ethically with the teachings if I was presenting them to my child as from trustworthy adults in authority! But I think she could also in theory counteract parts of it by talking with her kid a lot.

[cereta]

*waves*

Okay, so we went with a religion we knew really well (I was raised in it; spouse's mother was a devout practitioner), and we didn't start until kindergarten, but we set about emphasizing what we liked (love! service!) and detoxing what we didn't. And now we have a feminist, pro-choice, bisexual Catholic 7th-grader whose most passionate moments are about trans issues.

[minoanmiss]

She is pretty darn awesome :)

[lemonsharks]

The only ethical dilemma I see here is that the LW is willing to leave her children in the care of people who -- hm, let's be diplomatic -- unnecessarily scare her children with stories about hell.

I see absolutely nothing wrong with jumping the daycare line via insincere church membership, though.

[conuly]

Not necessarily. We don't know anything about this church - they may not believe in a literal hell, or any hell at all. Not all Christians seem to. Or if they do, they may strongly deemphasize it.

[minoanmiss]

Well, we can hope. Hell was a large part of my experience with Christianity, but, I am just one person.

[conuly]

That's fair, and also not uncommon.

[julian]

My church explicitly doesn't believe in Hell anymore. (And one of its forbears said no one would go (or, in some theological strands, remain in) Hell.)

But anyway, point is: the theology matters in this plan of hers.

[minoanmiss]

Every time I hear about churches which explicitly repudiate the philosophies about Hell I think my heart grows at least a size. beams at you

[lemonsharks]

Yep. I replied on mobile and left out the "may" before "unnecessarily".

[conuly]

That makes a world of difference.

[sporky_rat]

My church currently offers a preschool and you don't have to be a member to use it.

[amireal]

My shul does this too. They are very clear with the parents that jewish holidays will be celebrated, but other than that it's free for anyone who wants to pay to apply.

[shirou]

That is the norm here as well. We are not in any way religious, but my daughter attends a church preschool simply because that's where a lot of preschools are. Our preschool doesn't teach religious beliefs, and there is no requirement that families be church members. Most aren't.

[conuly]

Yes, but it sounds like this church gives special priority to members.

[ayebydan]

This is not such a big issue here in Scotland to put that forward.

Having said that, as an atheist myself I also feel this doesn't sit right with me. Could this non believers child be taking the place of a child whose parents do believe but didn't sign up fast enough? I guess those parents could still lose out to others but I don't know...it doesn't sit right. I feel weird.

[minoanmiss]

This was by Nicole, actually (I should have included that) but yes to all you've said.

[julian]

a) On the baptism -- if it's just some water and not, say, a requirement that she be brought up in that religion and/or be harangued at by the in-laws occasionally, OK. But baptisms are often accompanied by a llllot of assumptions on other people's parts. Tease that out.

b) As someone who has a friend who joined our then-church basically so her kids could get some non-threatening religious education, I have no issues with the actual plan involved here. That is, presuming that she means to actually participate in the community and help out in things like Spaghetti Night or whatever.

If she just plans to join the church and then never come again except to take her kid to day care, that's beyond the pale.

[ioplokon]

Haha yeah idk if this is perfectly ethical but like, I got confirmed to make my parents happy and like, both the daycare scheme and the baptism probably aren't as bad as that. Like the coulmnist says, the far greater wrong is the lack of affordable childcare.

I think it is probably worth having a bigger discussion with the husband and his thoughts on religion, though? Going to church and playing along with this plan might be unbearable or harmful to him? Also as a 'lapsed' Catholic, it does actually matter to me that the church I'm not attending is Catholic? I know that can sound silly to people raised in atheist or non-denominational backgrounds, but there are cultural aspects of religion that can be more 'sticky' (for good and for ill) than the actual theology.

[minoanmiss]

WORD.

[melannen]

The church is almost certainly running the daycare for the specific purpose (maybe not the only reason, but it's one of them) of luring unchurched people in, LW. You are not taking advantage of the church by letting them do that. They *want* unbelievers to join; that's how you make them into believers.

So don't worry about the church.

Just make sure you know what you're getting into by letting them lure you.