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agonyaunt2025-03-26 09:42 am
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2025-03-26 09:42 am
Moneywise: My husband gave his parents over $10 K without consulting me
I’m 38 years old and work 60 hours a week — I just discovered that my husband, who’s on disability, loaned out over $11,000 to his parents. I want to close our joint account. Am I wrong?
Infidelity often sparks marital trouble. But there’s more than one kind of infidelity that can tear couples apart.
Imagine working 60 grueling hours a week to keep your family financially afloat, only to discover your husband, who’s on disability, has secretly loaned over $11,000 from your joint bank account to his parents.
It’s not just about the money — it’s about trust, partnership and the very foundation of your marriage. What would you do?
This scenario doesn’t represent a minor disagreement over spending habits. It’s a product of so-called “financial infidelity,” a breach of trust so significant that many relationships struggle to recover.
But does that make it wrong to want to close your joint account? And if you do, how do you ensure it’s the right step, legally and emotionally?
What is ‘financial infidelity’?
Financial infidelity happens when one partner hides or mismanages money in ways that jeopardize the couple’s shared finances. It’s not just about large sums; it’s about the secrecy and disregard for the other partner’s consent.
In this case, the wife didn’t just lose $11,000 to a loan she didn’t approve; she also lost faith in her husband’s ability to manage their shared money responsibly.
The husband’s actions in this scenario qualify as financial infidelity. He bypassed a shared understanding of their finances to make a major financial decision on his own, ignoring the impact on his partner.
Research underscores how important transparency is in managing joint finances. A 2023 study published in the Journal of Consumer Research found that couples with merged accounts generally experience stronger relationships.
But if one side begins making unilateral decisions, fissures can develop that leave the wronged partner feeling vulnerable.
Closing a joint account: Can you, and should you?
The idea of closing the joint bank account might feel like reclaiming control, but is it legally possible?
The short answer is yes, though the details depend on the account terms. Most joint accounts allow either party to make transactions independently, which includes withdrawing funds or even closing the account. However, some banks require both parties to consent before an account can be closed, particularly if the account is in good standing and has a significant balance.
If your partner disagrees with the closure, the process gets more complicated. The first step is to review the account agreement to determine whether both signatures are required. If the bank permits one-party closures, the wife in this scenario could withdraw her share of the balance and request the account’s closure without her husband’s approval. But doing so could escalate tension while not solving the underlying issue.
A direct conversation — or mediation — might be necessary for accounts where mutual consent is required. Shutting down shared finances isn’t a light decision, and it should come with clear plans for how both partners will manage their money moving forward.
Is separating finances the right move?
In the short term, closing the joint account could provide the wife with a sense of security and control over her earnings. In the long term, though, it could further divide the partnership and make shared expenses harder to manage.
Before leaping, it’s worth considering other options. Establishing clear boundaries around discretionary spending, setting up a household budget, or opening separate personal accounts while maintaining one for shared expenses could be a compromise that protects both parties’ financial independence.
A couples’ therapist or financial adviser could help mediate this discussion and create a framework for better communication around money.
However, if the husband’s actions represent a deeper pattern, separating finances might be necessary for the wife’s financial and emotional well-being. Seeking legal advice is on the table, too, especially if significant debt or other liabilities are involved.
Moving forward
If the wife decides to close the joint account, the steps are straightforward but require careful planning.
First, she should open a new personal account to ensure her income is deposited somewhere safe. Next, she must transfer automatic payments and direct deposits to her new account to avoid disruptions in essential expenses.
If the joint account has any remaining funds, negotiating how to divide them fairly could prevent further conflict.
Infidelity often sparks marital trouble. But there’s more than one kind of infidelity that can tear couples apart.
Imagine working 60 grueling hours a week to keep your family financially afloat, only to discover your husband, who’s on disability, has secretly loaned over $11,000 from your joint bank account to his parents.
It’s not just about the money — it’s about trust, partnership and the very foundation of your marriage. What would you do?
This scenario doesn’t represent a minor disagreement over spending habits. It’s a product of so-called “financial infidelity,” a breach of trust so significant that many relationships struggle to recover.
But does that make it wrong to want to close your joint account? And if you do, how do you ensure it’s the right step, legally and emotionally?
What is ‘financial infidelity’?
Financial infidelity happens when one partner hides or mismanages money in ways that jeopardize the couple’s shared finances. It’s not just about large sums; it’s about the secrecy and disregard for the other partner’s consent.
In this case, the wife didn’t just lose $11,000 to a loan she didn’t approve; she also lost faith in her husband’s ability to manage their shared money responsibly.
The husband’s actions in this scenario qualify as financial infidelity. He bypassed a shared understanding of their finances to make a major financial decision on his own, ignoring the impact on his partner.
Research underscores how important transparency is in managing joint finances. A 2023 study published in the Journal of Consumer Research found that couples with merged accounts generally experience stronger relationships.
But if one side begins making unilateral decisions, fissures can develop that leave the wronged partner feeling vulnerable.
Closing a joint account: Can you, and should you?
The idea of closing the joint bank account might feel like reclaiming control, but is it legally possible?
The short answer is yes, though the details depend on the account terms. Most joint accounts allow either party to make transactions independently, which includes withdrawing funds or even closing the account. However, some banks require both parties to consent before an account can be closed, particularly if the account is in good standing and has a significant balance.
If your partner disagrees with the closure, the process gets more complicated. The first step is to review the account agreement to determine whether both signatures are required. If the bank permits one-party closures, the wife in this scenario could withdraw her share of the balance and request the account’s closure without her husband’s approval. But doing so could escalate tension while not solving the underlying issue.
A direct conversation — or mediation — might be necessary for accounts where mutual consent is required. Shutting down shared finances isn’t a light decision, and it should come with clear plans for how both partners will manage their money moving forward.
Is separating finances the right move?
In the short term, closing the joint account could provide the wife with a sense of security and control over her earnings. In the long term, though, it could further divide the partnership and make shared expenses harder to manage.
Before leaping, it’s worth considering other options. Establishing clear boundaries around discretionary spending, setting up a household budget, or opening separate personal accounts while maintaining one for shared expenses could be a compromise that protects both parties’ financial independence.
A couples’ therapist or financial adviser could help mediate this discussion and create a framework for better communication around money.
However, if the husband’s actions represent a deeper pattern, separating finances might be necessary for the wife’s financial and emotional well-being. Seeking legal advice is on the table, too, especially if significant debt or other liabilities are involved.
Moving forward
If the wife decides to close the joint account, the steps are straightforward but require careful planning.
First, she should open a new personal account to ensure her income is deposited somewhere safe. Next, she must transfer automatic payments and direct deposits to her new account to avoid disruptions in essential expenses.
If the joint account has any remaining funds, negotiating how to divide them fairly could prevent further conflict.
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It took me a reread to think of this but I don't see why it's relevant that the husband is on disability so I'm a little suspicious of that detail. It's relevant that he isn't employed/is on a fixed income, but not really why, I think.
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But he is presumably contributing to the household finances and shared accounts to the best of his ability, so I kind of feel like I want more details on a, just how much of a strain $11,000 is on the family finances (60 hours a week in three min wage jobs is very different than 60 hours a week as a corporate lawyer, in terms of what $11,000 means) and b, what kind of spending was already established as ok without checking in (if she's spending thousands at a go without checking in with him... well, being on disability shouldn't mean he has to be a supplicant about their shared resources; but if they already had agreements on not spending large amounts without mutual agreement, then this is a betrayal.)
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It's definitely relevant that he's on a fixed income and contributing to the household income, but I was suspicious of mentioning disability specifically. I might be overthinking.
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op specified he's on disability so either a) he has very little coming in so needs op's share in a joint account, or b) op's saying this to make things sound worse.
but i don't think that's really matters, whatever the circumstances, this was not cool.
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takes notes
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Or have his parents gotten into a cult or MLM scam—-and is the husband okay with that, or even approving?
Excellent missing lead: why do they need the money?
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There is a major communication issue here and they need to have a frank discussion. My guess is that there are other issues that LW either doesn't know about, or does know about but has said no to previously. Eg if husband's parents are in financial trouble, it's not on LW to bail them out. But I would not be surprised if it turns out husband has been giving money to his parents without LW's knowledge.
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It also doesn't say if there are any accounts other than the joint one - there may not be - or even, now that I re-read, if the $11,000 even came out of the joint account! This could be "He's wiped out his own savings supporting his parents so now I don't trust him with shared money either." If Husband is in the US he's on SSDI not SSI or they couldn't even have 11,000 in a joint account, so his disability may be enough to have some of his own savings.
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In this situation I'd be quarantining my paycheck, or at least the greater portion of it, in a personal account for the foreseeable future.