u-haul to dad's condo

[jadelennox]

Dear Pay Dirt,

My fiancée and I have both considerable debt, with low-paying jobs, and skyrocketing rent. We both work remotely but she goes into the office a lot. We rent a small studio. My father owns several properties and offered to let us “rent” his one-bedroom condo for what amounts to the cost of the fees and taxes. We would essentially be paying less than a third of the market rate. In three years, we could pay off most of our debts and maybe start saving for a wedding.

The problem is a larger commute for my fiancée when she has to go into the office and she will have to drive it herself. Currently, one of her co-workers picks her up since they have the same shift. She hates driving. I understand that, but sometimes we all have to do something we hate. I did a spreadsheet including the cost of gas and wear and tear on the car and we still come out ahead financially. My fiancée also has the option to switch to working weekends, which is fully remote but longer hours.

My fiancée and I fought. She feels like she is the one being forced to comprise anything and that my father is trying to “control” us by not selling one of his properties and giving us the money. It has been a thorn in her side that neither of my parents will offer to help with the wedding since they are both well off. Hers aren’t. My parents paid for both of their children’s education, car, and rent in our first apartment. After that, they told us we were adults and responsible for ourselves. They didn’t help with my brother’s wedding either. And for the record, we are both women. I feel like we are at an impasse that is impossible to pass. Our lease is up in mid-January. I love her so much and 90 percent of the time we never argue. Can you help us?

—Great Divide

Dear Great Divide,

I think your fiancée really has to decide whether she wants to have a longer commute or longer hours in exchange for something that may benefit both of you but you don’t have to sacrifice for. If you don’t have to commute, you may forget (or not know, if you’ve never done it) how exhausting it can be, and asking her to work longer hours is effectively asking her to subsidize the potential savings because her time and energy are worth something, too—not to mention any career impacts on her job if she took the weekend shift. I doubt that’s included in your spreadsheet.

Regardless, this should not be an impasse; it’s the kind of conflict you will encounter periodically when you get married. It’s great that your dad is offering you a way to save money on housing, but I also understand your fiancée’s suspicion of it given your dad’s stated position that you’re on your own, which he’s contradicting by giving you a very specific kind of help.

At any rate, I think you have to learn to navigate conflicts where you’re unable to reach a perfect agreement. My general rule of thumb in a situation where one partner is being asked to give up something or make some kind of sacrifice, but the other is not, is that the partner being asked to make the sacrifice decides. Your partner doesn’t owe it to you to do something she hates because you like the longer-term financial prospects. If she chooses to because she loves you and thinks it’s best for both of you financially, that’s a different story. Unilaterally pressuring her to do it while you’re not making any sacrifices yourself is a recipe for resentment, even if she ultimately agrees to it.

Also, I don’t think you believe this, but I want to be clear that your dad’s offer of a discount is not your contribution to the financial situation. It’s your dad’s, and your partner will view it as such because it doesn’t require anything of you. So do not be tempted to argue that yes, your partner has to commute more or work longer hours, but you bring the rent discount to the table. That is simply not true.

Another thing to consider is that your father’s offered discount is not the only lever you have to save money and pay off debt, and it does not affect your income. Longer-term, better-paying jobs for both of you are important, as is the way you decide to set goals together, and what sort of choices you make that lead to bigger expenses (kids, home ownership, etc.). This is a good time to have a conversation about those topics together because the wedding will probably end up being the least important expense you’ll encounter at the beginning of your life together.

—Elizabeth

source at slate