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Dear Carolyn: I recently completed a major renovation project to my backyard, and my mother expressed disappointment that I haven’t invited her over to see it. I told her I was waiting to do a big unveiling, but the truth — which I confessed to my brother — is that I’m anxious about her opinion because she and I have different tastes.
She is the type of person who will always compliment you verbally, but you can often tell by her expression how she really feels. I described her as rather fake, but my brother said I am being unfair. He pointed out that I could be accused of being equally judgmental by holding against someone not their words and actions, but my own belief about what’s going on inside their head, whether or not it’s true. I had never thought of it that way.
My brother never seems to care about other people’s opinions. I’d like to try his mindset, which seems very freeing, but I don’t know how. It’s especially hard to embrace the idea that I’m supposed to just let it slide when I feel silently critiqued or when someone is only being nice to my face.
Am I oversensitive? Then what’s the right level of sensitivity? Any tips for me?
Anxious: My “tip” is just your brother’s ethos in question form: Why do you give even half a fig what your mother secretly thinks of your backyard? It’s all in that one question, when you’re ready to dig into it — including how you retrain your thoughts toward different outcomes. For example, the goal of time with your mother is to enjoy her company (or do your duty or maintain the family tie or whatever). NOT to secure her approval.
I have no interest in “right” levels of sensitivity, because that’s not only too subjective, it’s also a detour off the point: peace of mind with yourself and your choices. Self-doubt is what allows others, not only your mother, to control your actions with their (dis)approval — real or implied.
Your anxiety about your mother’s “expression” and “how she really feels” and “what’s going on inside their head” and being “silently critiqued” says, simply, her opinion matters more than yours. That’s it. So your freedom lies in prioritizing yours. In believing it’s enough that you love the renovation, or the career, partner, new haircut or whatever, because you’re the one living it. That’s when your mother’s critical eye will lose its power to tarnish your own view.
Here it is from a different angle: If Mother’s love for you is contingent on your doing things her way, then that’s her emotional shortcoming — that she can’t just be happy you’re happy. You needn’t adopt her shortcoming as your own.
It’s simple, really — but it’s not easy. If you have already identified trusting your own voice as the “how,” the switch you need to flip to start thinking like your brother, but still struggle to do it, then a therapist can help guide that project.
Your backyard is perfect, by the way. I can tell from here.
Comments from readers:
e: Anxious: I know who gives a fig what Mom thinks of their backyards: daughters who had extremely critical mothers who preferred their male children. It’s really hard to overcome that even if you see and accept that crap for what it is — Mom’s problem. It leaves a mark.
— Anonymous
Anonymous: Reading this just hurts. Thank you for the bull’s eye
Re: Anxious: In my experience, people are rarely thinking what you think they’re thinking. It’s often best to trust what they say is true to them and follow up with their actions. It’s crazy-making to keep second-guessing when someone is just tired or distracted or has social anxiety, etc. Most of the time, these little missteps are not about you.
— Fellow Over-Thinker
Fellow Over-Thinker: True, thanks. Or they are thinking the bad thing you think they’re thinking — but why not, in that case, take them at the better thing they want to be their word?
Re: Anxious: This doesn’t address the deeper issue, but — send your mom pictures before you invite her over! Let her make her “ew” face in private so she has it under control by the time she sees you in person. It’ll be kinder for you both.
— New Face
New Face: Perfect.
Link
She is the type of person who will always compliment you verbally, but you can often tell by her expression how she really feels. I described her as rather fake, but my brother said I am being unfair. He pointed out that I could be accused of being equally judgmental by holding against someone not their words and actions, but my own belief about what’s going on inside their head, whether or not it’s true. I had never thought of it that way.
My brother never seems to care about other people’s opinions. I’d like to try his mindset, which seems very freeing, but I don’t know how. It’s especially hard to embrace the idea that I’m supposed to just let it slide when I feel silently critiqued or when someone is only being nice to my face.
Am I oversensitive? Then what’s the right level of sensitivity? Any tips for me?
Anxious: My “tip” is just your brother’s ethos in question form: Why do you give even half a fig what your mother secretly thinks of your backyard? It’s all in that one question, when you’re ready to dig into it — including how you retrain your thoughts toward different outcomes. For example, the goal of time with your mother is to enjoy her company (or do your duty or maintain the family tie or whatever). NOT to secure her approval.
I have no interest in “right” levels of sensitivity, because that’s not only too subjective, it’s also a detour off the point: peace of mind with yourself and your choices. Self-doubt is what allows others, not only your mother, to control your actions with their (dis)approval — real or implied.
Your anxiety about your mother’s “expression” and “how she really feels” and “what’s going on inside their head” and being “silently critiqued” says, simply, her opinion matters more than yours. That’s it. So your freedom lies in prioritizing yours. In believing it’s enough that you love the renovation, or the career, partner, new haircut or whatever, because you’re the one living it. That’s when your mother’s critical eye will lose its power to tarnish your own view.
Here it is from a different angle: If Mother’s love for you is contingent on your doing things her way, then that’s her emotional shortcoming — that she can’t just be happy you’re happy. You needn’t adopt her shortcoming as your own.
It’s simple, really — but it’s not easy. If you have already identified trusting your own voice as the “how,” the switch you need to flip to start thinking like your brother, but still struggle to do it, then a therapist can help guide that project.
Your backyard is perfect, by the way. I can tell from here.
Comments from readers:
e: Anxious: I know who gives a fig what Mom thinks of their backyards: daughters who had extremely critical mothers who preferred their male children. It’s really hard to overcome that even if you see and accept that crap for what it is — Mom’s problem. It leaves a mark.
— Anonymous
Anonymous: Reading this just hurts. Thank you for the bull’s eye
Re: Anxious: In my experience, people are rarely thinking what you think they’re thinking. It’s often best to trust what they say is true to them and follow up with their actions. It’s crazy-making to keep second-guessing when someone is just tired or distracted or has social anxiety, etc. Most of the time, these little missteps are not about you.
— Fellow Over-Thinker
Fellow Over-Thinker: True, thanks. Or they are thinking the bad thing you think they’re thinking — but why not, in that case, take them at the better thing they want to be their word?
Re: Anxious: This doesn’t address the deeper issue, but — send your mom pictures before you invite her over! Let her make her “ew” face in private so she has it under control by the time she sees you in person. It’ll be kinder for you both.
— New Face
New Face: Perfect.
Link
no subject
However, I'm stuck on this line:
It’s especially hard to embrace the idea that I’m supposed to just let it slide when I feel silently critiqued or when someone is only being nice to my face.
This makes me wonder if it's not an LW and Mom thing - in which case LW may well be correct - but an LW and anxiety thing, in which case whether or not LW is correct, LW needs to come to terms with the fact that the way you feel is not always the way things are. If this is the anxiety talking, then therapy and/or medication can help.
Or, if it's not the anxiety talking then, LW, honey, you're already "letting it slide" because you haven't explained to your Mom why you aren't letting her see your yard! You could do that, you know! You could say "Listen, Mom, we have very different styles, and I don't think you'll like my yard as much as I do. And it bugs me when you're obviously struggling to say something nice, which is a problem because it always feels to me like you do that a lot."
no subject
It makes a huge difference whether LW's mom actually is making transparently judgy faces and using tone of voice to cover her critique or not, here. Because if she's making massive stinkface and going, "oh...well...I'm glad you're happy with it, honey...you must have gotten a...'bargain,'" then brother needs to stop gaslighting LW that LW is the problem.
I mean, my favorite technique for dealing with that kind of passive aggression is to take it at face value, but "you're equally unfair for noticing it" is some bullshit. On the other hand, yes, some people absolutely do overinterpret due to anxiety or other issues, and working on not doing that is good.
Either way brother might not be a great choice to talk to about this and maybe a friend would be better.
no subject
1. Mom is passive-aggressive and annoying.
2. Mom is sincerely trying not to criticize, she's just not terribly good at it.
3. LW really does read into things that aren't there to be read into.
(3 is, unfortunately, not mutually exclusive with 1 or 2.)
LW probably ought to let Mom's opinions and behavior matter less anyway, but it's easier said than done - and if Mom really is awful, which is a real possibility, then LW is fully justified in limiting contact and not inviting her over.
*
no subject