![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
Entry tags:
Ask Amy: Grandma gets steamed by snippy, self-absorbed grandchild’s response to much needed donation
Dear Amy: My 26-year-old grandchild “Sal” (and roommates) lost everything in a fire earlier this year. I reached out through Facebook to lament their loss, and many of my friends responded through donating money generously.
The (quite substantial) check was made out to me. They instructed me to handle it any way I thought best.
I contacted Sal and asked how I should get them this money. The response was that they would pick it up sometime in the future from their parents and would share it with roommates.
I know that this young adult is in dire financial straits right now, so I remarked something to the effect that I knew that Sal could probably use the money sooner rather than later.
The response from Sal was: “Please do not give me unsolicited financial advice again. I’m very busy with this gig and can’t help you to set up Venmo. If you can cash the check and give it to my parents, I’ll pick it up from them sometime in the next few weeks.”
I responded (sarcastically) that I was sorry to have offended, and that I could assure Sal that it would never happen again.
Sal responded, “Thank you!” (Obviously the sarcasm went right over their head.)
I truly don’t know what to do. I’m offended by the snippy, self-absorbed response; by the rudeness of it to anyone, particularly a grandmother.
I put the money into my savings account.
I admit I am very angry. To add insult to injury, Sal has never written one thank you email to any of my friends who donated to these funds, despite my sending along their email addresses.
Please give me some guidance here. I’m torn between family duty, and giving this young person a lesson they’ll not forget.
– Offended Gran
Dear Gran: You could play this two ways: Don’t respond at all, and don’t do anything, forcing “Sal” to contact you directly regarding the money.
The second response would be to craft a short, warmly-worded email (lose the sarcasm): “You’ve given me many moments of pride as I’ve watched you grow into an adult. This is not one of them. I know you’ve been through a lot, but there are times through life when it is vital that you remember to treat others as you would like to be treated. This IS one of them. My friends and I rallied and answered a need. When you can figure out how to respond to this generosity with gratitude, I’ll be happy to send these funds to you. I’d also be happy (with my friends’ permission) to donate it to your town’s fire and rescue squad. You decide. Love always, Gran. PS: I figured out how to use Venmo!” (It’s easy!)
The (quite substantial) check was made out to me. They instructed me to handle it any way I thought best.
I contacted Sal and asked how I should get them this money. The response was that they would pick it up sometime in the future from their parents and would share it with roommates.
I know that this young adult is in dire financial straits right now, so I remarked something to the effect that I knew that Sal could probably use the money sooner rather than later.
The response from Sal was: “Please do not give me unsolicited financial advice again. I’m very busy with this gig and can’t help you to set up Venmo. If you can cash the check and give it to my parents, I’ll pick it up from them sometime in the next few weeks.”
I responded (sarcastically) that I was sorry to have offended, and that I could assure Sal that it would never happen again.
Sal responded, “Thank you!” (Obviously the sarcasm went right over their head.)
I truly don’t know what to do. I’m offended by the snippy, self-absorbed response; by the rudeness of it to anyone, particularly a grandmother.
I put the money into my savings account.
I admit I am very angry. To add insult to injury, Sal has never written one thank you email to any of my friends who donated to these funds, despite my sending along their email addresses.
Please give me some guidance here. I’m torn between family duty, and giving this young person a lesson they’ll not forget.
– Offended Gran
Dear Gran: You could play this two ways: Don’t respond at all, and don’t do anything, forcing “Sal” to contact you directly regarding the money.
The second response would be to craft a short, warmly-worded email (lose the sarcasm): “You’ve given me many moments of pride as I’ve watched you grow into an adult. This is not one of them. I know you’ve been through a lot, but there are times through life when it is vital that you remember to treat others as you would like to be treated. This IS one of them. My friends and I rallied and answered a need. When you can figure out how to respond to this generosity with gratitude, I’ll be happy to send these funds to you. I’d also be happy (with my friends’ permission) to donate it to your town’s fire and rescue squad. You decide. Love always, Gran. PS: I figured out how to use Venmo!” (It’s easy!)
no subject
I try very hard not to act like Sal did here. I recently needed financial help and I made a point of personally thanking everyone who contributed. No matter how hassled I felt in the moment I would try to bite my lip and respond gracefully to my grandmother -- no matter how much it feels like she's nagging, she's trying to help.
But.
Grandma, SAL JUST LOST EVERYTHING maybe just roll your eyes and allow them a graceless moment or three? Maybe Sal's currently agonizing about how to apologize to you. What's more important, Sal getting back on their feet or Sal being thoroughly grateful enough to satisfy you? I don't think using this as a chance to scold Sal further will help ANYTHING except maybe your pride.
no subject
no subject
It doesn't sound like Sal asked Gran for money, or I'm sure Gran would've made that quite clear. So that's one thing that raised my eyebrows here.
"Please do not give me unsolicited financial advice again" sounds entirely reasonable: that is what Gran was doing, and Sal's no doubt been getting plenty of that (perhaps from Gran, perhaps from others). The "can't help you to set up Venmo" is perhaps not very considerate of Gran's feelings, but may well also be completely true.
I notice that the message we don't see verbatim is Sal's initial reply about how they want to receive the money. Did they say "thank you" already there? If not, then yes, a "thank you for your efforts on my behalf" is due, but as regards what to do with the money, Gran should take them at their word and do that instead of deciding she knows better than them. They're 26, not 6.
Gran should not be keeping the money if she's not giving it to Sal. If she wants to punish her grandchild for setting a boundary, then she should return the money, not sit on it and keep it for herself.
And, um, if Sal hasn't received the money because Gran has kept it in her savings account, why would Sal write a thank you message to the friends...? They haven't received any such money. For all they know, it doesn't exist.
no subject
Yes, it absolutely raised my eyebrows that there's no indication Sal requested -- or needed! -- the money. Maybe they did, but maybe they've been trying to cut ties with granny, or maybe they had excellent insurance, or one of the roommates has rich parents or a lucrative meth business and they just don't need it. Maybe Sal's is furious that granny told all of facebook their personal business without clearing it with them. Maybe one of the donors Sal is expected to thank is someone with whom they have toxic history. There's just so much missing here.
Man, I totally missed that. You're 100% right, and almost any other columnist would have pointed that out.
no subject
It's not just the aggrieved tone and the missing reasons galore - the one thing that most strongly emerges from this letter is a clear picture of someone who is incredibly self-absorbed. The odds that the writer of a letter like this was acting in good faith, included all the facts, etc. are almost zero.
no subject
no subject
We also don't see verbatim what Gran says-- just that it was "to the effect that I knew that Sal could probably use the money sooner rather than later." We don't know, e.g., how intrusive the advice was.
no subject
no subject
So LW...stole the money?
"Sal has never written one thank you email to any of my friends who donated to these funds"
A thank you for money Sal hasn't yet received? It makes perfect sense for Sal not to thank the donors until LW actually gives Sal the funds!
When you can figure out how to respond to this generosity with gratitude, I’ll be happy to send these funds to you.
No, no, NO! This is terrible, even for Amy. LW is meant to be the conduit for the funds getting to Sal; the donors are trusting her to get the money where it's intended to go. I doubt "handle it any way [LW] thought best" was intended to include withholding the funds entirely.
no subject
no subject
And, yes, why would Sal write thank-you notes for money they haven’t received?
While the LW makes herself sound like the wounded party here, it sounds like she is putting a lot of strings on the money, and Sal’s request that she give it to their parents is an attempt to set a boundary against her attempts at using purse strings to control them.
no subject
no subject
"I'm sorry to have to inform you that my grandmother used my personal tragedy to defraud you and steal from you. I have not received any of the money she collected in my name. Thank you for your intended generosity, and my sympathy for the betrayal and loss of trust we have both suffered at her hands."
And then put THAT on facebook for all her friends to spread around.
no subject
That's what I would have done at this point, but I'm the ungrateful wretch that told my grandmother if she didn't start acting like an adult I was leaving her at the Denny's there in Dallas and she could find her own way home to Mississippi.
Shrug
no subject
no subject
The Facebook friends played along and showered her with praise and money, but Sal didn't follow the script - Sal didn't drop everything and grovel with gratitude, or send messages to LW's friends to affirm how awesome LW is. LW feels like she was OWED that performance and has been horribly wronged. She is so deep in this delusion that I don't think she even noticed that she admitted to stealing money and defrauding her friends in her letter.
LW has, at this point, done nothing at all for Sal except harass them and taunt them with the possibility of money (which was conditional from the start - I doubt this is the first time Sal has been on this ride, which is why they're keeping their distance and refusing to engage). But facts are irrelevant to LW: in her head, she is firmly cast as the Selflessly Generous Grandmother, and Sal as the Ungrateful Child who needs to be punished for misbehaving. So to her, giving Sal the money (which was collected in the name of and intended for Sal!) would be rewarding disrespect, rather than... doing what she publicly promised her friends she would do.
no subject
As far as her generous friends are concerned, the story is still that LW is swooping in to save and help her precious grandchild. Returning that money would mean admitting that the story wasn't the way she told it - either reversing course to blame her grandkid for being terrible and undeserving, which might come off very badly after the prior tragic wailing about Sal LOSING EVERYTHING, or admitting that she hadn't been asked to raise that money and is not on good terms with her grandchild.
(Possibly not with the grandchild's parents, either, given that she really does not want to go through them to give the money. Wonder what the story is there. How many of LW's family members have learned by now to avoid the strings attached to Grandma's "help"? How desperate to reattach those strings does LW have to be, to make a unsolicited fuss on her own FB about someone else's tragedy, as if to bribe/extort her way back into having power over people she's alienated?)
no subject
There we have it.
This was always about LW. And Sal didn't follow their plan. And the longer they hold onto that money the less it was about helping Sal.
no subject
Actually it may contain no sarcasm but its snarky enough to have sarcastic vibes and it’s certainly not warmly worded.
no subject
no subject
no subject