agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Amy: My wife and I got married right after college and quickly welcomed our first child.

I knew that having kids would take all of my wife’s attention, therefore, I did not want any more children.

But shortly after the first child came baby number two.

At that point I got a vasectomy.

Twenty years later, I have built a very successful career, while my wife chose to take jobs that would allow her more time with the kids.

She has taken the lead with the kid’s activities, housework, cooking, etc., which I never asked her to do.

She has held various low-paying, “do good”-type positions in the community.

She has a lot of skills and did not have to compromise her career for the children.

There are a lot of successful women doing it all.

My wife has nothing to show for working year after year.

I am very resentful of her career choices and have expressed this many times.

I think she is lazy and used the kids and house as an excuse.

Our kids are both in college now, and I am paying for all of it.

My wife now has decided to pursue a second degree so she can increase her skills.

I told her that I would help her start a small business if she abandoned going back to school.

She declined.

I do not feel obligated to pay for her education, which I could easily do. She is taking out student loans, but she will never be able to catch up to my salary.

Am I being unreasonable for not helping, and for feeling so resentful toward her?

– Resentful Husband

Dear Resentful: Your anger over your wife’s choices seems to have affected your cognition.

She has maintained the household and has raised (your) children, and yet because she has been under-employed outside the home, she has “nothing to show for it?”

How about healthy children and a husband who doesn’t have to iron his own shirts?

According to an oft-quoted report by Salary.com, in 2021 a stay-at-home parent works over 100 hours a week and would earn an annual “…fair market salary equivalent of $184,820.”

The question is: Do you owe this amount to your “lazy” wife, or do you two have a zero balance, because she was living the life she chose? (From your account, you have done the same.)

You obviously feel trapped, stuck financially supporting a family that – according to you – takes your hard-earned assets and returns nothing.

Your wife should not be taking out student loans. These loans are the worst bet in the world and paying them back will deplete the gains she might see from her additional degree.

You two should immediately seek the help of a marriage counselor. Additionally, you could investigate a post-nuptial agreement to outline the financial terms by which you quite obviously define the relative success of your marriage.

https://tribunecontentagency.com/article/ask-amy-homemakers-devotion-is-waste-of-a-good-career/

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So, first of all, if that's the LW's formatting then he needs to learn that not every sentence deserves its own paragraph. I'm just saying.

But more importantly - he may not have asked her to handle ALL the childcare, housework, cooking, scheduling, etc etc etc etc with his words, but by allowing her to do that instead of discussing the division of labor and accepting some on his own, he implicitly asked her with his actions. Or his lack of action.

Secondly, there are not, in fact, a lot of successful woman "doing it all". One person really can't do it all. You notice that he doesn't appear to think he should have had to "do it all". Chores take time, and childcare takes time, and volunteering takes time, and entertaining takes time, and maintaining a social presence in the community takes time, and schleping the kids to activities takes time, and work takes time, and school takes time, and at the end of the day - you still have to sleep!

Thirdly, it's okay to not want kids, or to want to not have MORE kids. That's totally fine, for whatever reason. However, wow, "kids would take all of my wife's attention" is a really self-centered phrasing. (And again - they didn't have to take up ALL of her attention if he had just done his fair share.)

Fourth, your wife's relationships with your children IS "something to show" for her hard work in raising them, year after year.

Fifthly, taking care of the kids and the house is not a job for the lazy, especially not while also working outside the home part time, which it sounds like she was doing.

Sixthly, paying for your kid's college is your obligation as a parent. And so is supporting your spouse's perfectly reasonable desire, after having been underemployed for many years, to buff up their skills and credentials a bit.

Asshole seems to think he could've been earning the big bucks and also living in the style to which he's apparently accustomed if he had to wash his own socks. I suggest not.

Also, she wasn't 'volunteering', she was working in 'low-paying, “do good”-type positions in the community', i.e. presumably using her skills for good while keeping them from rusting while she brought up her children and provided this monster with a domestic support system. But, no, she should have been using them for CAPITALISM! (And then he would have complained about the state of the house no doubt.)

seriously, there is no fire hot enough to express my rage.

*regards LW wearily*

Fuck this dude with a sandpaper dildo and no lube.

What a *jerk*.

Who wants to take bets that if she had "caught up to his salary", dude would be all upset about how she'd neglected the kids and the house for money and he felt emasculated.

We have a winner!

(Note to self: hug the manspouse tonight.)

Whole Man Disposal Services, we have a reeking specimen for you to remove, stat.

Strongly advise incineration for the entire man

Nuke it from space. It's the only way to be sure.

I hope the wife finds some great new friends in school. I hope she finds a good therapist. I hope she finds a fantastic divorce lawyer.

I hope she leaves him and carpets the house with Lego before she goes.

LW, where do you live? Because if it's anywhere near me, I have some fabulous family law attorneys to recommend. To your wife.

I wonder if LW has financial trouble he's not sharing and that's why he's so angry.

Also, I bet if she followed his suggestion and started a business, he'd find a way to blame her (maybe if the business didn't succeed, or not as fast as he imagined). She could have studied and increased her salary and made a career for herself! Instead of losing that money investing in the business, his money! And if it succeeded, he'd probably still feel resentful because she'd use his money to start it.

At this point I feel like anything she decides will be used as an excuse to keep being angry at her.