agonyaunt | (no subject)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend recently moved in with me, and ever since then, my cat’s behavior has completely changed. She’s been acting out: scratching furniture, hiding for hours and even refusing to eat sometimes. She used to be calm and affectionate, but now she seems anxious and territorial. My partner is trying to be patient, but I can tell he’s getting frustrated, especially since the cat hisses at him whenever he walks by or tries to sit near me. It’s creating tension between us, and I feel stuck in the middle trying to keep everyone happy. I’ve tried introducing them slowly, giving the cat space and even buying new toys to distract her, but nothing seems to help. My boyfriend thinks I’m overreacting and that the cat will “get over it,” but I know she’s genuinely stressed.

I feel guilty because I was so excited for us to finally live together, and now it feels like we’re both walking on eggshells around my pet. I love them both, but I’m starting to wonder if this living situation is sustainable. How can I help my cat adjust to this big change without it putting more strain on my relationship? -- Standoff

DEAR STANDOFF: Experts say it sometimes takes time for cats and lovers to become friends. My research suggests that you must rebuild a relationship with each of them so that jealousy reduces to a minimum and both of them know how much you love them. Catster.com advises having separate one-on-one time with your cat and your boyfriend, closing the door when you want alone time with your guy and setting aside time for the two of them to bond without you around. If your cat is motivated by food, you might have your boyfriend start feeding her so she has that positive association. You can also try calling in a pet trainer for more personalized help.

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Dear LW, have you tried dousing your boyfriend in tuna? Think about it!

My cat at the time had the same reaction to my (now many years) ex-husband.

I remain in "Cats are wise, pay attention" mode about certain kinds of data these days.

(But also, like, how is the boyfriend treating the cat when you're not around? And when you are around?)

I remain in "Cats are wise, pay attention" mode about certain kinds of data these days.

You are not wrong. However, counterpoint:

After knowing her nine years, my cat still hisses at our chihuahua whenever she's forced to endure her presence, and last week attacked her for accidentally stepping too close. It took her over three years to stop bolting from the room whenever said chihuahua appears. Moonpie has never done a damn thing to her, not even barked at her.

Moonpie, for her part, hates anybody standing on a porch, anybody on a bike, and anybody who coincidentally happens to be a white man. In the time we've had a dog, nobody from any of those groups has ever harmed her.

Oh, my current cat hates everyone who is not me. But she does it with great equality. (Though I've never tried her around other animals for longer than the waiting room at the vet. She was a foster, then turned up as a stray, and she had a Not Great first year before I got her.)

The exception are my current cat sitters, after I've been gone a day or two.

It's the specific 'cannot get used to this human who is in the space, presumably behaving amiably' that is the warning sign of 'at least look for more data, m'kay?'

My cat tried to castrate a male friend of mine who was seriously one of the nicest men I've ever known...but she absolutely loved the ex who secretly married someone else while we were together

Is this the kind of question where a vet might be able to advise?

Possibly, and if you have a cat specialist vet, the odds are better, but what you really want is advice from an animal behaviorist with cat specialty or a cat vet with behavior training!

And this is not as rare as you might think. If you're not in a major urban area, the nearest one may not be local, but they are probably not too far, and the first consultation is often long distance with animal behaviorists. You would find results with a search like "cat behavior problems specialist (place)", probably.

Edited (Autocorrect ) 2025-11-18 06:23 (UTC)

It could be something really simple, like

- cat hates the smell of the boyfriend's deoderant/shampoo/conditioner

- boyfriend's voice is too loud for cat's comfort

- boyfriend moves too fast for cat's comfort eg when boyfriend is walking around, when boyfriend reaches for TV remote

A couple of my cats run away from my daughter’s father (and occasional housemate), because he wears boots in the house and is loud.

When we adopted our then-6-wk-old kitten this summer, I specifically had him feed her kibble out of his hands, so that she associates him with treats, and she will now run up his leg when he’s sitting on the couch to demand treats and pettings!

(He genuinely likes the cats, but is pretty inflexible in his habits, and worries about falls if he isn’t in boots with ankle support.)

I knew someone, K, who had a cat that was 100% fine with all his platonic female friends

but would viciously scratch/bite his girlfriends.

It was clearly a jealousy issue

- K had one friend who started off with a friend (and the cat was fine with her when she was a friend),

but then when K started dating her, the cat started viciously attacking her.