Dear Abby: Husband quite his job and is draining finances

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: My husband of 23 years, "Gerald," quit his job to start his own law firm. He told me about it only after he had quit. I have tried to be supportive, but seven months down the line, he has spent all our "rainy day" cash and earned only one paycheck. We have two teenagers, one who will be going to college in a year.

I took a high-paying job a year ago to help pay down our mortgage and fund our son's college expenses. Gerald claimed the bonus money he received when he quit his old job belonged to him to fund the new venture.

He's now saying that seven months is too little time to make any huge decisions, but we are now going to start liquidating our 401(k)s. This is where I draw the line. He needs to get a job. I have worked every year of our marriage and never quit.

I feel like I'm living with a selfish stranger who calls me a "money-hungry stereotypical female" when I ask when he'll get paid. Is it time for me to take off the rose-colored glasses and file for divorce? -- STUCK IN HIS MIDLIFE CRISIS

DEAR STUCK: Your husband should have discussed his career change with you before he quit the law firm. Do NOT allow him to push you into taking money from your 401(k). Because your husband hasn't yet reached retirement age, when he liquidates his, there will be a penalty for early withdrawal. Consult an attorney -- other than your husband -- about what your next steps should be to protect yourself and your children because your spouse does not appear to be making rational decisions.

Comments

[cereta]

I will have Thoughts on this later, after my doctor's appointment, but I kind of want to see what other people have to say about it, first, because the comments section on Abby's site was...interesting.

[xenacryst]

What the WHAT???!?

[Yes, I went and skimmed the comments.] Yeah, something is really off here, with Gerald's sudden leaving of his old job and completely failing at his new one. But regardless of THOSE circumstances, he is hiding something and hiding it in a rather destructive way. He's certainly demonstrated a pretty bad understanding of his family's finances and his impacts on them, so yeah, he should be kept well away from what's left. If I were LW at this point, I wouldn't really care whether he had quit voluntarily, been fired, or laid off - he's either willfully or negligently started trying to tear apart his family, and I'd be looking for a way out without giving him any more cushion to burn through. Even if he's gotten himself into some sort of hot water where he's having to pay off someone, he needs to come clean and realize that his source of funds is suddenly not going to be there for him.

But basically: Get. Out. Now. And take as much as you can with you.

[cereta]

This is sort of where I am. Even if he did get laid off, or there is something else going on, that doesn't make her a bad wife (of for God's sake, "money-grubbing") to want her retirement (their collective, or the individual one she has collected by working her entire life* for, a fact that the people vilifying her in the contents seem to overlook).

*Note: I would feel the same way if she had stayed home raising the kids and thus putting her trust in his 401(K), because that is an implicit contract.

(If you happened to read "Barbie'" in the comments: she hates women. I am not exaggerating. She can take ANY scenario and make it a woman's fault. ANY.)

Something may very well be up with him, but that doesn't make her a bad person for wanting to secure her and her kids future.

[jadelennox]

Wait, the comments said that? JFC. I quit my job this summer and am failing to freelance successfully, but 1st I sat down with my partner and we ran the numbers and figured out what he was willing to pay for, what I was comfortable asking him to pay for, and how long I could be unemployed without another source of income before I started job hunting again. Wow. I cannot believe people were vilifying her.

[cereta]

It was a minority, and one of them is the kind of person who can make anything a woman's fault, or at least, not the man's fault (she even cast aspersions on the kids, saying they would be "drinking and snorting" their father's hard-earned money), but they were being pretty nasty, and completely overlooking that he was talking about not just his but her 401K, one that she had worked for over their entire marriage. Not that this would have been okay if she had been a SAHM, but they were very much doing the, "this poor man has slaved his entire life to support his family and now his lazy wife won't support him in his hour of need."

[the_rck]

I'm actually wondering if the guy really quit or if he got fired. I've never heard of anyone getting bonus money for quitting a job, for accepting early retirement, yes, but law firms don't tend to be big on payoffs for early retirement.

But he's definitely not thinking/reacting rationally no matter what the real backstory is. I don't think that liquidating their 401(k)s is a good idea no matter what's going on, and I do think that he's actively (but probably not intentionally) working on destroying his marriage.

[rymenhild]

Divorce. He's deadweight.

[eleanorjane]

Look, regardless of anything else: the "money-hungry stereotypical female" line clearly demonstrates that THEy ARE NOT PARTNERS. It has turned into him-vs-her and regardless of who's right or wrong, theyre done as a couple unless they're both willing to put the effort in to fix things in their relationship to the point where they're on the same team again. It sounds like LW is, and it sounds like the LW isn't.

Even in the reading that is most charitable to the spouse, if the LW really IS money-hungry and Spouse was being destroyed by his old job and had to get out and tried to talk to her and she refused to listen, whatever whatever whatever, it's STILL clear that they have very different and mutually incompatible priorities and at the very least should *not* be sharing finances at all. (And probably should not be sharing a relationship.)

If they reeeeeeeeally wanted to salvage things, maybe they could, by splitting their finances and both contributing an equitable amount to the household fund. But even then I'd be consulting a lawyer to make sure that wouldn't make any (probably likely) divorce settlement down the track unduly favourable to the spouse.

[minoanmiss]

Yes, this.

[vass]

Oh, hello Ekaterin Vorsoisson, fancy seeing you here. Yes, you should divorce Tien right away.

[liv]

This comment wins the internet!

[jadelennox]

you == amaze

[tielan]

Yes. Consult a lawyer about getting your assets protected, including accounts, mortgage, investments, etc. Start checking up on your shared finances, on anything that he owns by law, and any debt that you might also be responsible for (that has your signature on the paperwork), and do it RIGHT NOW.

My instincts say he's having an affair - all day at home, law firm, no money being made, midlife crisis, assignation of money-hungry stereotypical female to woman who's worked steady for twenty-something years? Affair. (I will admit that my own history biases me in that direction.) And whether or not he's having an affair, it's still imperative that you quickly make sure you have a handle on all the things you jointly own, and all the things you might jointly owe.

Also: sit down with your kids and explain what is happening with their dad, straight up, because they need to know - his spendthrifting is also going to impact their future and lying to them, or pretending everything is okay is not going to benefit them or you.

[shirou]

Props to Abby for giving a good answer, although I would have liked to see the word "divorce" in there explicitly, instead of just implied.