Dear Abby: marriage and finances

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married three years. It has been rocky since year two. She's a great mother to our kids, especially the one who is medically challenged. We have broken up twice so far, and are now back together. However, because of my job, we live in different states.

Bottom line: I'm no longer sure this is the right relationship for me. She goes to school full time while I work a ton of overtime to support two households. We hardly see or spend time with each other. She has said she would rather me work and not see me so that everything gets paid. I feel she's more about the money than the marriage. What do you think? -- UNHAPPILY MARRIED IN BALTIMORE

DEAR UNHAPPILY: You and your wife both appear to be carrying a heavy load. For the sake of your children, it would be nice if your marriage could be resuscitated. However, not every marriage can be -- and the arrangement you have now is clearly not working for you.

If your wife actually feels that she would rather not see you so that everything gets paid, then I think she has made her feelings clear. The marriage no longer exists; it's a financial arrangement. For that, you both have my sympathy.

Comments

[cereta]

Is anyone else's "There is more to this story!" klaxon going off?

Questions I would love to have answered: How old are these kids? Because dude, if you're living in another state and hardly ever see mom, and mom is the one taking care of them, it's not surprising that she is more keenly aware of money than you are? I notice, btw, that there is nothing in the letter about you missing your kids. That sends a very large red flag up for me.

What was the rocky patch over? Did it have to do with finances?

What is it you want to do?

[the_rck]

I know that 'medically challenged' children are a huge strain on a relationship. I don't remember the figures, but a lot of marriages break up under the stress. I am curious as to what 'medically challenged' is a euphemism for.

That said, dude, they're your kids. Even if you're not married to their mother, you need to take care of them. In this case, the kids' mother isn't in a position to support them without help. The kids probably only have health insurance because of the guy's job, and they need health insurance.

I'd like to know how old the mother is (and the father). Is she going to school with an eye toward getting a better job? Who's looking after the kids when she's in class? (To me, that implies that the kids are older, possibly in school.)

That said, I could see him not wanting to stay married because it's not much of a marriage. I'm just not sure what he thinks will change, apart from him not feeling bad if he starts dating someone else.

[cereta]

Not gonna lie: if the man had expressed the slightest sense of missing his kids, wanting his family together, I'd be a lot more on his side. But I'm getting a distinct, "Hey, I can just walk away from this, right?" vibe off his letter.

[the_rck]

I'm still angry at my father for bitching to me about how his hemispherically paraplegic ex wasn't working full time while looking after their then four year old daughter. If she worked full time, he'd have to pay less child support, you see.

As my sister got older, her mother did work more, but, you know? Working full time costs money in childcare, and I really don't think my father thought about that. I think it was also better for my sister to have more time with her mother.

And, for my father, it wasn't about what was better for his daughter. It was about what would save him money.

My sister's 25 now, and I'm still angry.

[cereta]

Yeah. There are very few topics that will get my back up the way child support, and in particular men acting like the CAN just walk away from everything.

[the_rck]

::sighs:: At least he paid child support that time; he never did for me and my other sister (I'm 23 years older than our half-sister, and my other sister is 22 years older than our half-sister). My half-sister's mother thinks that my father actually paid for my half-sister partly out of guilt for not having paid anything for his two older daughters, but... I'm still angry.

It seems to be a very guy thing to assume that kids are only present when they're convenient, that they magically vanish into the ether during working hours or can be tucked into a pocket and carried along with no complications or something. One of the things I love about my husband is that that's not an assumption he'd ever make.

[vass]

...It's not a guy thing, I am sorry to say.

I'm sure guys do it more often, but it is definitely not a male-only phenomenon. :(

[jadelennox]

yeah, and specifically getting a vibe of "that one who is medically challenged, that she is a great mother to, that I find to be a pain in the butt."

However, while usually at this point I would be full of rage, I cannot be, because Mister Hooper.

[cereta]

I'm projecting a bit, because I've seen this pattern play out several times, but I get a, "This life is to hard, and even for my hard work, I get nothing*, so I don't wanna play anymore." The idea that it's also hard for mom probably doesn't enter into his equations.

*Meaning sex.

[rymenhild]

Also, he isn't budgeting the wife's schooling into eventual earnings for the household. Presumably she's going to school to acquire a better career for the sake of family support. He's making it seem like he's working just for her and she's doing nothing, and even in the letter it's clear that's not true.

[recessional]

That's actually the thing that's getting me - like dude, do you think that (good) full-time care for your children, especially a child with special needs, is going to be LESS expensive, or have you working FEWER hours of overtime? Because it isn't.

[vass]

Yes, that klaxon is going off for me too.

In addition to your questions, here's one of mine that immediately came to mind: who put him through school? Assuming that he did go to college or university, which of course he might not have. But if he did, did he have loans? Did his parents pay for it? Or (because I have heard this story before) did his wife work while he studied, on the understanding that they'd reverse roles once he graduated?

[sathari]

Is anyone else's "There is more to this story!" klaxon going off?

*raises hand* THIS SO MUCH.

I mean, I am having trouble not capslocking in rage here, just at what is there, but I'll take a stab at it:

Point the first: new-ish marriage--- and how long have they known each other? How old are the kids? When did they end up living apart? If all of this (new relationship, new babies, one with more-than-average medical needs, moving to live in different states) has happened over the last three years, that is a LOT of change and maybe dude (and lady) need to get some professional support for handling the stress--- dude obviously because he is NOT HAPPY, and he needs to process some of that before he concludes that duck-and-run is the answer. Because, again, yeah, all of those are classic stressors and you will almost certainly be not-happy in the middle of them, and that is precisely not the time to shake things up in your and your family's life yet again.

Point the second: what exactly is lady's affect when she says that she would rather continue their current arrangement? Like, where are we on the scale from "I miss you terribly and I look forward to the day when we can all live together again, but we are two adults in the real world and in that real world we have children and expenses that we have to deal with and right now that means living apart for a while" on the one hand (i.e. she is sad about the separation and would like to be with him, but she is putting the welfare of their kids and general long-term financial health--- i.e. her schooling and his ongoing employment--- over short-term sadfeels) to "I don't care if I never see you again just as long as you keep sending money". The latter sounds like what Abby took away from it, and possibly either what LW took away from it or at least how he shaded it in his letter, but I am not necessarily sure that is on point. (And I am also like, "So, dude, apparently you think it would be fine and dandy if you quit your job and were unemployed while your wife is in school and you have two kids, one with more-than-average health care needs? Please tell me how you think this is suppose to work for all involved, as in what is your concrete plan here for paying of bills and so forth? Or do you just want your wife to be miserable over your absence? Or... what?") (And I am also wondering how much of lady's comfort with the present situation has to do with how much help LW is [or more to the point not] when they ARE together--- like, if her feelings on the subject are somewhere along the lines of, "Yes, I have pants/heartfeels for you, but realistically it is just like having a third child to take care of in the house when you ARE here, and I am out of cope with that right now". Like, lady would be a lot more excited about LW's return if she felt like she were getting a co-parent and not a dependent--- even if the money aspect were not at issue, e.g. LW could be employed at a comparable rate where lady and kids live.) (Also, mad props to vass for the very salient point about not wanting to disrupt kiddo's medical care by moving, because, yeah, kiddo and at least some part of the family might in fact have to live where there are specialists in kiddo's condition. Which just adds to the SHEEEESH factor for me.)

...okay, somehow I got through that without CAPSLOCK OF RAGE and I am really proud of myself. Because the amount of clueless entitlement from LW just blew my mind, and the fact that Abby did not catch it is staggering.

[amadi]

This dude is checked out of the marriage but he has also checked out of parenting, including a child with additional needs, and he's looking to be validated for wanting out of his obligations. It's fine if he does not want to be married anymore, but there's a big chunk of his life that he didn't address in that letter and Abby let him get away with that.

I wonder what other state his family is in. If they're in the DC area but over in a far-flung Virginia suburb, or in Delaware, but he could only find work in Baltimore, I could understand why he moved, because that commute seems like it might be feasible or something that can managed with a split week idea, but it really isn't. I suppose that the wife and the kids might have moved away from him for the sake of her schooling, but it doesn't seem like it. Depending on how much of her schooling is accomplished, it would seem to me that a high priority would be placed on reuniting the family, or conversely, on realizing that the separation is temporary. The letter writer makes it sound like they've never discussed a timeline for physical reunification and he can't be bothered.

[vass]

If your wife actually feels that she would rather not see you so that everything gets paid, then I think she has made her feelings clear.

Her feelings that she wants to have adequate and appropriate medical treatment for her seriously ill child, and that's at risk if he leaves his job? And that she doesn't want to pick up and move to where he is because in addition to her college and her kids' schools, her kid's doctors are where they are now? Those feelings?

Besides which, marriage has always been a financial arrangement. That's why we have marriage as a legal arrangement, not just a personal commitment.

[likeaduck]

Can we just all agree that Abby is in no position to advise on the importance of money to those who don't have a lot of it?

[cereta]

Oh, yes. I have ranted about that before. You can feed your children love, but you also need to feed them food. And a woman who grew up with wealthy parents and slid into a relatively cushy job, shouldn't be telling a family that is clearly on the edge that love can pay the mortgage.

[likeaduck]

I think I've heard you rant about it before, but gosh, she just keeps doing it.