Dear Prudence: I found my ex's cash stash

[minoanmiss]

I just got out of a financial and romantic wreck. My boyfriend moved his mistress into my guest bedroom, telling me she was a co-worker who “needed a place to stay.” During this time, he sideswiped a fence while driving my car (his had stopped running), causing $2,000 in damage. When I found out the truth, I kicked them both out; she stole some clothing and electronics from me before leaving town. My ex refused to pay for the damage to my car and called me last week, accusing me of taking more than $10,000 in cash that his parents had given him to buy a new car. I told him he was out of his mind and hung up.

He also left a lousy old couch at my place and refused to come pick it up. I asked him if he was ever going to haul it away, and he told me to throw it out. While I was pushing it out to the curb, I found an envelope full of cash under one of the cushions. I haven’t told anyone what I found. I heard from mutual friends that my ex now thinks his other girlfriend stole the money. Part of me wants to wait a few months, then use the cash to fix my car and celebrate. I think that would be fair, given the pain and suffering they put me through—and they actually owe me more than that for the food and shelter I was conned into giving them. I really don’t want to have any further contact with him. The only thing giving me pause is that it is technically his parents’ money and they were always kind to me. I used to consider myself a kind and generous person, but all of this has made me very cynical. I can’t tell anyone I know about the money, so I am asking you.

—

This is the setup to an amazing O. Henry story, or at the very least a mid-career Carrie Underwood music video, but it’s probably a lot less fun when it’s your real life and you have to deal with the prospect of either dealing with your awful ex or feeling guilty whenever you think about his parents. I think the best option is for you to contact his parents directly, tell them that you found the money when you were getting rid of some of his things, and return it to them directly. You can attempt to collect the money your boyfriend owes you either through your insurance company or small claims court, which will take more time and energy than just taking the $2,000 directly out of the envelope you found. Part of me wishes I could tell you to keep the money as payment for services rendered, but (and we both knew this was coming) this isn’t just your ex’s money. It’s his parents’, and I think you would find it hard to live with yourself if you thought of the anguish they might have experienced to think the $10,000 they set aside for their son to buy a replacement car is gone, even if their son is an unmitigated creep and coward.

If nothing else, think of how awful it would feel to lose the moral high ground if your ex ever learned that you’d found his money and took you to court over it. He sounds exactly like the kind of guy who’d do that.

Comments

[fox]

Call the parents, tell them the ex left behind the $10k and you understand it was from them, so you're happy to return it to them so they can get it back to him if they want (because you don't know where he is now, he's not your boyfriend anymore), and mention that before he left he damaged your car? Will they tell you to only return them $8k?

Also, though, $10k in cash to buy a new car? CASH?!

[edenfalling]

I would assume they meant a new car in the sense of "new-to-him," but purchased used.

[fox]

Oh I didn't mean anyone was suggesting you could buy an actual new car with that kind of money. I was boggling at the idea of buying a car with cash at all. In my mind, even if you buy a thing outright rather than financing it, you write a check.

[melannen]

I would have thought that too, but my mom tried to buy a used car with a check recently - for my sister who had moved, and needed the car immediately - and it took them almost three weeks to "clear" the check and give her the car (the check had cleared at Mom's bank within three work days.)

A lot of dealerships don't seem to be able to handle someone who just wants to buy it outright without credit and drive off. (I suspect any dealership that *was* set up to expect people buying outright without credit would be very happy to take cash.)

[bikergeek]

When I bought a new motorcycle outright from a dealership I walked in with a certified (bank) check for the purchase price less the deposit I had given them. I walked out with the Certificate of Origin, and once I'd gotten the RMV paperwork taken care of, I got the keys from the dealer and rode it home.

With actual cash in the U.S. there are two issues: (1) the reporting requirements--any transaction >= $10k has to be reported to the Treasury Dept., and dealerships may have to hunt down the one person in the office who knows how to fill out the forms; and (2) the suspicion that the cash may be ill-gotten (e.g. via drugs) and that accepting it may expose the dealership to liability and potential asset confiscation by the government.

[movingfinger]

Wow! I bought a used car at a dealership last month with a personal check, and although they were disappointed that I didn't want a loan, that check cleared in the next 24 hours. Three weeks is unconscionable---that's their own money they're not accepting! I'd be looking at the bookkeeper not wanting to do bank runs, hmmmm.

[edenfalling]

A surprisingly high number of people still use cash even for massive transactions -- I see this at my job where some tenants will pay anywhere from one month to a whole year in advance with stacks of bills. (If I'm lucky, they use $100s. If I'm not, they use $20s. *headdesk*) So dropping that amount in cash on a car didn't strike me as particularly outlandish, especially if it's a private transaction where you see a car on somebody's front lawn with a "For Sale" sign, or find an ad on Craigslist.

I am not sure of the reasoning behind the "stacks of cash!" approach to financial transactions. Some of it may be a security concern, since personal checks do display your bank account number at the bottom?

A dealership would definitely be a bit nonplussed if someone walked in with a cash envelope, though.

[melannen]

More people than you'd imagine don't have a bank account they can write checks on. (That's one reason postal banking is such a big deal.)

[conuly]

A shocking percentage of Americans do not live in a household where any adult has a bank account. Many of those Americans live in neighborhoods where banking is not widespread for some reason, so even if they want a bank account they cannot easily get one, not without a trip.

[edenfalling]

Apparently I take knowledge of people being "unbanked" so much for granted that I forgot to include it in my comment. *headdesk*

What I meant to convey is that I don't know why people who who talk blithely about withdrawing thousands in cash from their bank accounts also sometimes insist on paying with cash instead of writing a check. I know this is often considered a stereotypically East Asian habit, but I've also run into it from many people who come from other cultural backgrounds.

[bikergeek]

When I was a kid and a young person in the '70s and '80s there were a substantial number of older Americans (mostly born prior to the early 1930s) who didn't use banks or who did so only reluctantly. They had a severe distrust of banks and the banking system due to the events of the Great Depression.

Up through the 1990s a lot of banks accepted utility bill payments in cash with no fee, for those who couldn't mail a check. You could typically cash a check written to you at the bank that issued it, on presentation of proper ID, again with no fee. (This included your paycheck, which was usually drawn on a local bank.) Nowadays you have to do all that at a check-cashing storefront and usually the fees for any of that are substantial.

[sara]

Because people write bad checks for large purchases pretty regularly. So most people who are selling something substantial will never accept anything but cash. I certainly wouldn't take a check if I were selling a used car.

[sporky_rat]

I get a bank check for that sort of purchase. It's technically out of my account by then.

[sara]

Bank checks or cashier's checks aren't any safer than a personal check. It's really not wise to accept a check of any kind for an amount of money you can't afford to lose.

[adrian_turtle]

One reason people use cash is that you need ID to open an account with a US bank. You can't just walk in with cash to put in the account, and get a passbook or debit card or checkbook. (Or you could have a bank account you opened before 2001. Or if somebody with an existing account trusts you, they're allowed to turn their individual account into a joint account with you and nobody asks for your ID.)

Undocumented=unbanked, and a LOT of people are undocumented. Sometimes because of immigration difficulties, sometimes because they left their documents behind when fleeing abuse or flood or fire, and haven't caught up with the paperwork. Or because they became adults during the pandemic, and could not cope with government offices that slowed to a socially-distanced crawl.

[sara]

No, it's pretty normal to buy used cars, boats, etc for cash. I would never take a personal check for something like that, because even a cashier's check often can't be deposited and I've been ripped off before. And nothing bigger than a twenty.

[petra]

This seems reasonable, and I hope the ex's parents are understanding and willing to settle some of their kid's debt to the LW.

[starfleetbrat]

I love that everyone believes this dude when he says the cash is from his parents. He lied about the mistress, he lied about crashing the car, but -this- he is telling the truth about. Sure. For all anyone knows he stole it from the parents.

Also, even it wasn't the parent's money, it doesn't mean LW can keep it, as depending on where you live there might be a "theft by finding" law.

[harpers_child]

Oh. That's what was bothering me about this story.

I think contacting the parents so LW doesn't have to deal with the ex is still a good idea. Presumably the parents are in a better position to ask questions about where the money came from if it didn't come from them.

[minoanmiss]

Oh good point.

I wonder if LW can courier over the envelope inside a box and get Ex's signature that she delivered it to him, and wash her hands of the whole thing.

[jadelennox]

I'd contact a lawyer, personally. I don't believe that the money was a gift from his parents', and I have two questions:

1. Is it legally now LW's money wherever she lives, given the conversation she had with the ex about the couch?
2. If the money is ill-gotten gains, does she have to do something to make sure she isn't liable, whether she keeps the money or turns it over to the parents?

I suspect that would vary massively by state, and I'd want a lawyer's advice before I went further. And I disagree that she has an ethical obligation to turn it over to the parents. Again, even assuming he's telling the truth that they gave it to him (big if!), is she any more liable to the parents for the ex's carelessness than they are to the LW for their dick son's theft and car damages? I would argue not.

[sara]

This isn't enough money for it to pencil out to call a lawyer. You go through this much in a couple of months of any kind of domestic situation involving lawyers.

[sara]

Call the parents and discuss the situation with them.

And there's a third option, which is that bad debts can be taken off your taxes. You don't recover the full amount but it's better than nothing.

The problem with small claims court is that once you get a judgement you have to collect the money from the person who owes you. When I had one I ended up selling the judgement to a collection agency and I got back about forty percent of what I was owed. By the time I was done, counting my time it would have been better to take the tax break.

Usually, getting the crapsack out of your life is worth whatever it will cost you.

[lavendertook]

What I’m afraid of is that when she contacts the parents, now that she isn’t with their precious boy, she’ll find out where he learned his awful behavior toward people in how they treat her over this exchange. I hope she doesn’t get pushed into further disillusionment. So getting legal advice and some legal representation first might be a good idea before contacting the parents. Also, if they gifted their son the money it is not technically theirs--it is his money, so she needs legal advice on giving it to them as well I would think.

Another thought, because I am fully down the path of jadedness, something about her story doesn't sit right. The kind of person who would move in a second gf with a false cover story, wreck her car without paying, leave his first gf with a crummy heavy couch to move, and accuse everyone around him of stealing his money, is not the kind of person to quickly move out when upset, cheated on gf LW wants him and his new gf out. It is not that easy to kick someone out, let alone 2 people out if they want to be crappy about it once you invite them in. I don’t think most if any PD’s help with that. So I dunno about this scenario.

[movingfinger]

It's not the ex's parents' money. It was given to the ex, at which point it became the ex's money. He left it there.

LW should get receipts when she gets her car repaired and replaces her stolen items and return any leftover cash with copies in the envelope. But maybe spending some of it on an hour of a lawyer's time first would be wise.

[likeaduck]

This is so obviously Danny for the weird O. Henry/Carrie Underwood reference and clear glee in making it. #knowyourprudies