Dear Abby: Mother's "right" to know

[cereta]

Dear Abby: At what point does a parent no longer have the right to know who their child’s friends are?

I have three grown daughters, all on their own, living on the other side of the country. During a recent visit home for their grandmother’s birthday, I asked each of them to give me all of their friends’ phone numbers, in case I couldn’t reach them. I also wanted to know who they were exactly, how well they knew them, etc. I was simply thinking of their safety. If I can’t reach my girls, I want to know who might have seen them last and, if need be, give that information to the police.

Abby, all three of them told me no! They said they are grown women and can take care of themselves, and besides, if, God forbid, they didn’t want to answer their phone when I called, I sure as h--- didn’t need to be pestering their friends.

They say they are adults, and that we (their dad and I) no longer have the right to “dictate” who they are friends with. I say I’m their mother and no matter how old they get, I will always have the right to know who they are friends with. I would appreciate your thoughts.

— Renee in Oregon

Dear Renee: I agree that you are their mother, but you are not your daughters’ parole officer. They are self-supporting, self-sufficient adults. Perhaps if you were less overbearing, your daughters would be living closer, would answer their phones more often when you call and would open up to you about their friendships. Frankly, I think you should apologize for giving them such a heavy-handed third degree.

Comments

[cereta]

I suddenly feel the need to send flowers to my mother. I did actually give her the name and number of a local friend for serious, serious emergencies, but I trust her to use it reasonably. Good lord, woman.

[nonethefewer]

Every day in every way I learn something new about how not to parent. Not that this was some temptation of mine, mind you.

[recessional]

Good grief, lady. Get a GRIP.

I mean, my mother actually HAS many friends' numbers, for various reasons, both at home and places I regularly travel. This is because my mother has an actual middling-severe anxiety disorder, handing her numbers and a name is a minimal bother on my part, I KNOW she's not going to call for any reason less than me having been weirdly out of contact for a worrying length of time, and she certainly doesn't try to interrogate me on the nature of my friendships.

Also weirdly if you just have good, friendly relationships with your children you will find you often know who their friends are, because they will talk about them to you. But that may be more than Renee is capable of, considering.

[korafox]

Wow.

Also, as someone who has a lot of anxiety around phone stuff, I would not be happy to be receiving frequent phone calls from a friend's parent about their whereabouts. For any of the LW's daughters to have handed out those numbers without checking with the friends first would have been a real breach of privacy in my book (and I'm glad they didn't! Just, this would have been a nice addition to the other advice, is all I'm saying.)

[cereta]

That's a really good point. I would never consider giving my mom or even my husband someone's phone number without their permission, although lord knows you can trust my spouse not to call unless (a) you're watching the small fanperson and (b) there is some kind of tangle.

[kaberett]

I am so impressed by her utter lack of self-awareness. Like, wow, there is a whole lot she isn't quite saying there about how she doesn't think how controlling she was when her children were younger BEFORE THEY HAD MOVED TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COUNTRY TO GET AWAY FROM HER was any kind of a problem.

I. Just. All their friends' phone numbers?!

[azurelunatic]

This is a great time for all her daughters to change their phone numbers.

[kaberett]

I just. Wow. The scare-quotes around dictate. The officious assertion of a right to know who their friends are. Not that she cares, not that she's interested -- no, that she has ownership and is entitled to know where her possessions go. EW.

[xenacryst]

[I think this icon will see a lot of use here...]

Good grief. It might be reasonable for you to ask to be introduced to a friend and have an emergency contact for, well, EMERGENCIES. But to demand that they turn over their social calendar to you? Good BYE. They are, indeed, adults, and you apparently are not.

[cereta]

And the daughter's response is a pretty good indicator that mom would call a friend if daughter X didn't pick up on the second ring. She doesn't exactly scream "good with boundaries."

(One icon to another.)

[xenacryst]

It also bothers me how quickly she goes to "let's call the police." And not just call the police to have them verify that the daughter is, in fact, just enjoying a long hot shower, but call the police with information about the friends who might have been with her most recently. With an attitude like that, yeah, it's no wonder they're fleeing to the other side of the country.

(icon tag)

[redbird]

My thought when I first read that was, what if the shoe was on the other foot? If her daughters demanded to know the names, phone numbers, occupations, and how she knew them of all her friends, and would call them randomly if she didn't answer the phone because she was in the shower. Not of course that they would want it, but whether the LW could even consider that policing going in the other direction.

And then I started to wonder whether she wants this because her parents did (or still do) it to her, so she thinks of it as "normal."

[neotoma]

Asking for a friend's number in case of emergencies, and waiting for the daughter to clear it with the friend could be reasonable. Demanding all friends' numbers? Hell no.

Mom needs a firm lesson in respecting boundaries.

[vass]

I'm cheering the daughters on.

[celli]

BAFFLING.

[sathari]

I... WHAT IS THIS EVER. All the friends' contact information?! How they know each other?!? TO GIVE TO THE POLICE IF HER DAUGHTERS "DISAPPEAR"?!?!? And, let's be honest, how exactly do we think this woman is going to define "disappear", here--- e.g, Daughter goes on a vacation and forgets to pack the cellphone charger and Mumsie Dearest calls the fuzz to report all of her daughter's friends as possible murderers sounds epically likely. Or, you know, Daughter, as someone above says, doesn't answer the phone on the second ring.

I just... I mean, I almost hope that all the daughters had two-inch-thick juvenile-delinquency records or something to in any way at all justify Mom's concern about their current choices of friends and safety or something? Because... just... GUH. Even if they did, they are grown-ass adults and living across the country from Mumsie Dearest, and clearly with good reason.

Also, am I the only one who gets a forced-teaming sort of vibe when the LWs in these columns use the columnist's name somewhere in it? Because it's nearly always in the context of pearl-clutching "I was shocked, SHOCKED! by this other person's outrageous behavior--- as any right-thinking person would be, and aren't you as well, [columnist]?" Or is that just me reading into things?

[torachan]

LOL WHAT. Yeah, there is definitely a reason those women are all living on the other side of the country and it's not just coincidence...

[anotherheather]

Oh hell no.

I could see maybe having one friend's number after it was cleared with the friend in question and only used for dire emergencies. But all the friends? Can we say BOUNDARY ISSUES?? No wonder her daughters live on the other side of the country.