Looking for Peace With Son

[conuly]

Dear Annie: It seems impossible for me to mend my relationship with my son. He is 38, and I am 68. Back when he was 22, he came out of the closet and told us he was gay. It took me nearly two years to accept that, and two years of hardly talking. Finally, I accepted it -- with a few years of counseling. My son and I got along for a while. But a few years ago, Ohio passed legislation legalizing same-sex marriage. To me that was a big no-no, because men don't marry men. I let him know, big-time, that I was against it. But he found someone to officiate the marriage and marry him and his partner. He even got the marriage license. But he didn't get married through a traditional church.

I told him I would never accept it, and that I hoped his marriage fails. Of course, he didn't like that at all. Even after my counseling and apologizing, and being sorry for my beliefs, still I cannot change how I feel; nor will he change his beliefs. I want him to put this one thought aside and agree to disagree. For two years, he and his husband have wanted nothing to do with me at all! He still talks to his mom and his brother, but only because they want no animosity between them. -- Frustrated Dad

Dear Frustrated Dad: If you want to be part of your son's life, then you're going to have to accept that he's gay. You seem to recognize this fact, and I take it you're still trying to work past your feelings in counseling. I urge you to keep going to counseling and to keep digging within your heart for a way to get past this. He is your son, and life is short. It would be heartbreaking if you two went the rest of yours without ever speaking again.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearannie/s-2293905

Comments

[conuly]

LW, you are asking for the impossible. If you want a relationship with your son, you are going to have to accept that men DO marry men, that your son is married to another man, that your son will never ever "agree to disagree" on this subject, that telling your son outright that you hope his marriage will fail was incredibly cruel, and that you royally fucked up here.

But honestly, it's been 16 years since he came out and you still don't really sound like you accept that. And if you can't accept that, then you can't accept your son. He needs to take care of himself, and it may be that he can't do that if he's in contact with you, because you have made it abundantly clear that you don't accept him and never really will. It might well be that there is nothing you can do to mend these fences. You should still get some more counseling.

[rymenhild]

Yes, this. You created the distance between you, and you continue to maintain it. You must change before there's any hope of ameliorating the pain you caused.

[rmc28]

"I want him to put this one thought aside and agree to disagree" - who your son is attracted to and MARRIED TO is not something about which you "agree to disagree". The marriage is fact. Your words on the marriage were horrible. I am not surprised he and his husband don't want anything to do with you, why would they when you don't want your son the way he is, or his marriage to succeed?

[conuly]

The time for them to agree to disagree was before he told his son what he really thought. If he'd kept his thoughts to himself, maybe he and his son could've both pretended he didn't really feel that way, but now it's just too late for that.

[neotoma]

Ha ha ha! NO. You done fucked up. You fucked up hard. These are not 'his beliefs'; this is his life, which you say you won't accept. If you reject everything about a person, what do you think you're going to 'agree to disagree' about?

Also, telling anyone you 'hope your marriage fails' is a dick move. A huge one.

This is all on you. You haven't yet decided that having a relationship with your son is more important than your bigotry. Until and unless you do, you can't have a relationship with your son. And even if you do get your head together, your son might not want anything to do with you given how much of an enormous dick you've been.

Keep going to therapy. Either you'll figure out how not to be a bigot, or you'll figure out how to come to terms with the fact that your son doesn't want to deal with you, a bigot.

[conuly]

Yup, all that.

[sciatrix]

Seriously. I honestly think it's irresponsible to tell this dude that there's any hope at all for his relationship with his son: he fucked that dog the moment he said that he hopes his son's marriage fails on account of who the son married. I'm not sure there's enough crow in the world to eat to make up for that shit.

Letting this asshole think there's some magical thing to say that lets him continue to hold his hateful beliefs but also coax his son back into some kind of relationship just encourages him to keep trying to pressure the son. He needs to go the fuck away at least until (bare minimum) he can produce a heartfelt, honest, meaningful apology for at least a decade of bigotry and emotional abuse, to be delivered through an intermediary without any expectation of response from the son. And even that's pushing it.

Just let it go, man. You drove your son away, and you did it because being hateful was more important to you than your son. Move the fuck on with your life, make whatever half-hearted amends you can be arsed to put together--because after this letter, I ain't optimistic--and go find somewhere else to be so your son can enjoy his marriage in peace.

Jesus Christ. I hope someone laughed in this entitled man's face.

[annotated_em]

There is a distinct lack of any acknowledgment in this letter that the LW recognizes that he has behaved badly. Zero recognition that he has said and done some very hurtful, cruel things.

I doubt there's a reconciliation in his future.

[conuly]

Yup. He seems to think that this can be made up for with a simple "sorry", regardless of whether or not that apology is sincere.

[cereta]

This is another one of those letters where I just wonder what the LW thought the columnist would respond with. How much of a bubble do you have to live in to expect a secular contemporary advice columnist to validate you in expecting your son to just "set aside" this issue (especially since "setting it aside" probably means never talking about your spouse, never bringing said spouse to a family gathering, and letting Aunt Betty continue to nudge you about marrying a nice girl). I sometimes run into that kind of ethnocentricity with my students, but they have the excuse of being 18.

[cereta]

Dear Terrible But Nonetheless Secular Advice Columnist,

I treated my son like shit. I intended to continue treating him and his now-legal-spouse like shit. Why won't he spend time with me?

Shithead

(Seriously, I'm flashing on Kim Davis call herself a martyr while fighting against any fallout from the action. You only get that kind of cred if you actually deal with the response.)

[watersword]

I can only imagine a letter from the son, about the pain of growing up gay in a homophobic household, about the pain of coming out and being utterly rejected by his father, about the pain of being pressured to reconcile, about the pain of being attacked again when Ohio legalized equal marriage and he and his partner were able to marry. I hope the response would tell him that it's absolutely okay to cut off people who hurt you repeatedly and deny the importance and value of your identity.

I hope the son's husband's family is welcoming and supportive and he has many many sources of happiness and joy in his life, because his father is never going to stop being a source of pain.

[cimorene]

On the plus side, what this guy deserves is for his bigotry to torment him constantly and it sounds like that is what's happening. I only hope his son is happier like this.

[minoanmiss]

Word. I have no sympathy for this guy at all.

[conuly]

And you know, LW's son clearly tried. He tried, but then his dad blew it - again! I hope he's happier and he has a puppy. (Or kitten, if he prefers kittens. Or rabbit, or snake, or child, or car - whatever sort of adorable addition to the family is best. Or none, if he wants none.)

[lemonsharks]

LW is actively terrible and fully deserves his estrangement.

[minoanmiss]

I hope his son and son-in-law are having a lovely, love-filled day today.

[lemonsharks]

I'm trying to think of an appropriate response for someone who's deeply homophobic (that stain does not lift easy) when their child comes out to them.

I am not coming up with much.

[minoanmiss]

It's probably not appropriate, but I want to say, "May you die sad and alone while your child heals from the pain you've caused them and lives a long happy life with their beloved[s]."

[jadelennox]

THISSSSSSSSSS.

[staranise]

Something makes me imagine this as the son sarcastically phrasing his father's position and sending it in to an advice columnist (perhaps the forthrightness about when he told his son he wished his marriage would fail?) so someone could show Dad the result. But, well, this is a disappointing answer.

[jadelennox]

It would be heartbreaking if you two went the rest of yours without ever speaking again.

Would it, though? Would it, really?

[eva_rosen]

That answer totally reads as if Annie would have gone all 'But he's your dad!' if the son had asked for advise, so what is it with these columnists thinking people should keep giving toxic assholes more chances to ruin their lives? LW asshole should leave his son alone, and nobody should encourage him to keep pestering him.

[mommy]

The dad's problem fits neatly into the "you did this to yourself" box, and is the direct consequence of his actions. There is no reconciliation possible here. The dad has had sixteen years to get rid of his bigotry. That's more than enough time, and his failure to do so is what led to his estrangement.

I wish the best for the son and his husband. It can be stressful when a someone you've cut off keeps intruding on your life.

[dorinda]

wahhhh wahhhh how come I can't be just as terrible as I want to be and still get everything I want wahhhh what are consequences even

FLING THIS GUY INTO THE SUN.

[likeaduck]

THIS ONE

[cynthia1960]

Absolutely.

[eleanorjane]

Dear Annie, how can I get my son to agree with me that he doesn't deserve basic human rights?

Fuck this guy, and fuck Annie's bullshit advice.