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conulyDEAR ABBY: My son's new wife -- who has a daughter -- insisted that his two children are not biologically his. After a DNA test, it turns out she was right. They aren't. My son, my husband and I are heartbroken. His twins are 10, and they don't understand what's going on.
My husband and I are trying to gently remain in their lives with phone calls and limited visits. My son's wife refuses to visit with us until we stop communicating with the children, promise never to talk about them and display no pictures in our home. She's trying to convince our son to stop seeing us, as well. What to do? -- DISAPPOINTED IN TEXAS
( Read more... )
My husband and I are trying to gently remain in their lives with phone calls and limited visits. My son's wife refuses to visit with us until we stop communicating with the children, promise never to talk about them and display no pictures in our home. She's trying to convince our son to stop seeing us, as well. What to do? -- DISAPPOINTED IN TEXAS
( Read more... )
Ask A Teacher: 50 Acres vs Education
Feb. 3rd, 2021 10:51 amminoanmiss My oldest child been a high-ability learner since he was under a year old. Now he is in first grade and testing in the top 98 percent of the state in math and reading. My husband grew up on a farm, and we have the opportunity to move close to family and build our dream home on over 50 acres of land. In many ways I know this will have a positive impact on my children, as they can help grandparents with farm chores and be close to cousins, and I truly believe nature is a nature stress reliever for my intelligent and anxious child.( Read more... )
minoanmissMy spouse (he/him) and I (she/her) are beginning the process of becoming foster parents. We haven’t had a home study yet or anything — but we could be within six months of being eligible for placements if everything works out. ( Read more... )
minoanmissCan't move in. My boyfriend lost his job and has moved in with me, since I own my own home and rent prices have risen sky-high. We have been talking about marriage. He shares custody of his 5-year-old son with his ex. ( Read more... )
minoanmissWhere did we mess up?
My husband and I have a frequent disagreement on our 3-year-old and her love for dresses and all things pink! For the first two years of her life, she was constantly mistaken for a boy because she wore gender-neutral clothes. We direct her towards books and other media that do not represent traditional gender roles (no sparkle princesses!). We ask friends and family to refrain from commenting on her appearance and clothing, if they can help it, and to instead focus on skills or interests. However, our daughter adores the color pink, insists on wearing dresses, and is currently obsessed with accessories. I am fine with this, though I hope it will be a phase.
( Read more... )
My husband and I have a frequent disagreement on our 3-year-old and her love for dresses and all things pink! For the first two years of her life, she was constantly mistaken for a boy because she wore gender-neutral clothes. We direct her towards books and other media that do not represent traditional gender roles (no sparkle princesses!). We ask friends and family to refrain from commenting on her appearance and clothing, if they can help it, and to instead focus on skills or interests. However, our daughter adores the color pink, insists on wearing dresses, and is currently obsessed with accessories. I am fine with this, though I hope it will be a phase.
( Read more... )
minoanmiss(That's the setup to the real issue. I'm not good at summarizing these.)
Dear Care and Feeding,
I have a 6-year-old daughter “Ally” with my ex. We broke up because he was sleeping with “Dee.” Her daughter is the best friend of ours. ( Read more... )
Dear Care and Feeding,
I have a 6-year-old daughter “Ally” with my ex. We broke up because he was sleeping with “Dee.” Her daughter is the best friend of ours. ( Read more... )
To hang next to the previous post.
Aug. 15th, 2020 11:12 pmlikeaduckDear Care and Feeding,
My 2½-year-old has been going to day care/preschool since he was 3 months old. I have a career in higher education, and we cannot afford for me to stay home. (I’m also just not inclined to do so, if I’m being honest.) He goes to a wonderful preschool right now with a very engaging and structured curriculum, and he seems to be thriving. He’s learned an enormous amount in the six months he’s been there and has matured a lot, and every time I pick him up, he’s had a great time and tells me all about his day. His teachers are attentive and caring, we do parent-teacher “conferences” every six months to talk about his development, and we’ve been very happy with the decision to send him there.
My problem is that every morning, he complains about going and says he wants to stay home. He doesn’t cry, but he whines a lot and swings wildly between being upset that we’re going to school and seeming legitimately excited about the prospect. On mornings when he’s particularly difficult about it, I feel guilty for sending him. Some days I have even called out of work to stay home with him; he loves that for a few hours and then is promptly bored.
Is this normal? Does my child hate school, or does he just hate getting out of the house?
—Working Mom Guilt
Dear Guilty Working Mom,
It’s normal. He’s fine. If he’s coming home happy and thriving, all is well.
Don’t let him con you into taking days off unless you genuinely long to spend the day with him and have made plans accordingly in advance. What I think you’ve accidentally done by periodically letting him whine his way into keeping you with him is re-create those lab experiments where the rats get cocaine by pressing a little pedal.
If the rats get cocaine each time they press the pedal, and then the researcher turns off the cocaine, the rats figure it out quickly and stop trying. If the rats only occasionally get cocaine by pressing the pedal, why, they’ll keep trying a lot longer. Your son is an adorable, precious rat, the cocaine is you staying home with him, and the pedal is begging you to not make him go to school.
I think you have a lovely and normal toddler on your hands. To shake up the situation, I recommend reshuffling the morning routine a bit. See if that helps.
minoanmissA team member has just announced she’s getting a puppy and naming him Achilles, which, though an unusual name, is the same name of another team member’s baby. (“Achilles” isn’t the real name, but it’s a similar degree of unusualness.) We are a small team of 10, and Achilles is the first and only baby anyone on the team has had.
She didn’t mention anything to her colleague before making this decision, and announced it in a team (Zoom) meeting. We were all stunned. As her manager, should I address it? The two already have a fairly tenuous relationship and I hope this won’t tip it over the edge!
Oh dear.
I’m a big believer that you don’t really get dibs on names. If she wants to name her dog Achilles and a coworker already has a baby named Achilles … well, she gets to do that. If her coworkers think it’s weird and want to judge her for it, they also get to do that.
However, if your sense is that she named the dog after the baby as a way to needle her coworker, it’s time to intervene in whatever is going on in that relationship. But you wouldn’t be addressing the dog’s name; you’d be addressing whatever is going on more broadly. You can’t have two people on your team not getting along and at least one needling the other, and that’s where I’d focus.
She didn’t mention anything to her colleague before making this decision, and announced it in a team (Zoom) meeting. We were all stunned. As her manager, should I address it? The two already have a fairly tenuous relationship and I hope this won’t tip it over the edge!
Oh dear.
I’m a big believer that you don’t really get dibs on names. If she wants to name her dog Achilles and a coworker already has a baby named Achilles … well, she gets to do that. If her coworkers think it’s weird and want to judge her for it, they also get to do that.
However, if your sense is that she named the dog after the baby as a way to needle her coworker, it’s time to intervene in whatever is going on in that relationship. But you wouldn’t be addressing the dog’s name; you’d be addressing whatever is going on more broadly. You can’t have two people on your team not getting along and at least one needling the other, and that’s where I’d focus.
minoanmissDear Care and Feeding,
We have a wonderful 21-month-old son, whom I will refer to as Lennon, who has shown a keen interest in music since he was an infant. ( Read more... )
We have a wonderful 21-month-old son, whom I will refer to as Lennon, who has shown a keen interest in music since he was an infant. ( Read more... )
minoanmissI’m the father of a pair of 5-year-old twin boys, “Geoff” and “Paul.” The boys are funny and sharp and are almost always a delight but lately something, uh, delicate has come up. ( Read more... )
minoanmissDear Prudence,
My marriage ended because my wife had a late-in-life epiphany that she was gay. After we separated, she and her friend “Carole” began dating. ( Read more... )
My marriage ended because my wife had a late-in-life epiphany that she was gay. After we separated, she and her friend “Carole” began dating. ( Read more... )
lemonsharksDear Care and Feeding,
My sister and brother-in-law have struggled to conceive. They are starting the process of adoption. They are very religious and say they’re open to whatever child God wants to give them. But I’ve had conversations with them that make me sure they are unready to adopt a child with disabilities, and also that they don’t have the sensitivity to raise a child of a different race.
In general, I think they are ill-suited to raise children. My brother-in-law is short-tempered, and I’ve never seen him offer to help out with any domestic chores. My sister-in-law has a lot of emotional issues, and with so little support from her husband, I think she might sink under the pressure of parenthood.
They’ve asked me to be a personal reference for them. The thing is, I can’t give them my unqualified support in this area. It’s one thing to say I think they’ll be good at a job, and another to recommend a kid to their care for life! If I refuse, they’ll probably get someone from their church (where adoption is always an unqualified good) to write the recommendation. So it’s not like I can single-handedly stop them from adopting. But to agree to be a reference and then say something that might get them turned down feels cruel. What’s my responsibility here?
—Against Adoption?
( Read more... )
My sister and brother-in-law have struggled to conceive. They are starting the process of adoption. They are very religious and say they’re open to whatever child God wants to give them. But I’ve had conversations with them that make me sure they are unready to adopt a child with disabilities, and also that they don’t have the sensitivity to raise a child of a different race.
In general, I think they are ill-suited to raise children. My brother-in-law is short-tempered, and I’ve never seen him offer to help out with any domestic chores. My sister-in-law has a lot of emotional issues, and with so little support from her husband, I think she might sink under the pressure of parenthood.
They’ve asked me to be a personal reference for them. The thing is, I can’t give them my unqualified support in this area. It’s one thing to say I think they’ll be good at a job, and another to recommend a kid to their care for life! If I refuse, they’ll probably get someone from their church (where adoption is always an unqualified good) to write the recommendation. So it’s not like I can single-handedly stop them from adopting. But to agree to be a reference and then say something that might get them turned down feels cruel. What’s my responsibility here?
—Against Adoption?
( Read more... )
minoanmissDear Care and Feeding,
At the playground I take my kids to, there is a middle-aged man who often comes and sits on a bench to watch the kids (and occasionally do a crossword puzzle). He doesn't have a camera or anything, but he's not there because he’s related to any of the children. I've checked in with the other parents, some of whom are skeeved out by his presence but most of whom don't see anything wrong with it. Should I ask him what he's doing or suggest he find a new place to sit?
—What's He Doing Here
Dear WHDH,
I would slow your roll. Some parks have explicit signage asking that adults only enter the playground if they are with a child. I assume yours does not, because you would have told me if he was actually breaking the rules.
You cannot be the sheriff of the playground.
As it stands, he's as entitled to this public space as anyone else. Maybe he enjoys the shouts of happy children at play. Maybe he's a creep. But he's not doing anything wrong by sitting there, and you have no justification for asking him to leave.
My advice is to sit next to him one day and draw him into conversation. "I see you here often. You must love this park," etc. This way he becomes more of a person to you and less of a potential threat. During this conversation you might, however, learn that he is substantially creepier in person, at which point my general advice to supervise your kids carefully at the park remains your best option.
If he tries to talk to or engage with your kids, that's when you can firmly tell him to back off and explain to him that you're working on "stranger danger."
But no, you cannot be the sheriff of the playground.
—Nicole
At the playground I take my kids to, there is a middle-aged man who often comes and sits on a bench to watch the kids (and occasionally do a crossword puzzle). He doesn't have a camera or anything, but he's not there because he’s related to any of the children. I've checked in with the other parents, some of whom are skeeved out by his presence but most of whom don't see anything wrong with it. Should I ask him what he's doing or suggest he find a new place to sit?
—What's He Doing Here
Dear WHDH,
I would slow your roll. Some parks have explicit signage asking that adults only enter the playground if they are with a child. I assume yours does not, because you would have told me if he was actually breaking the rules.
You cannot be the sheriff of the playground.
As it stands, he's as entitled to this public space as anyone else. Maybe he enjoys the shouts of happy children at play. Maybe he's a creep. But he's not doing anything wrong by sitting there, and you have no justification for asking him to leave.
My advice is to sit next to him one day and draw him into conversation. "I see you here often. You must love this park," etc. This way he becomes more of a person to you and less of a potential threat. During this conversation you might, however, learn that he is substantially creepier in person, at which point my general advice to supervise your kids carefully at the park remains your best option.
If he tries to talk to or engage with your kids, that's when you can firmly tell him to back off and explain to him that you're working on "stranger danger."
But no, you cannot be the sheriff of the playground.
—Nicole
Ask Natalie: Adults-Only Invitation
Jan. 26th, 2018 10:28 amceretaDEAR NATALIE: My husband and I are fairly young, and we have many close friends who have children. We still get together with these friends regularly, and most of the time their children are also welcome. We love their kids, and some of the children are practically like nieces and nephews to us! But occasionally an event will pop up that is simply not appropriate for children.
For example, my husband and I recently had a party at our house, and we invited close to 40 people. We knew it would be crowded and not the type of party for children, however we struggled with how to communicate this to our friends. Our friends always just assume their kids are invited. We don't want to outright say, "Your children aren't invited and you need to pay for a sitter," but we don't know what the alternative is. Any advice would be appreciated. -- ADULTS ONLY
DEAR ADULTS ONLY: I love kids. Just so I don't get a bunch of angry emails after giving my advice, I repeat: I love kids! However, I don't love kids at cocktail parties. Or any event after 6 p.m. that doesn't involve them directly. Your friends chose to have children, and I think it is fabulous that you are close to their kids. However, it is unrealistic for your friends to assume that you always want to see their kids at your adult parties.
The next time you send out a Facebook invite, eblast, mass text message or formal invite, make it very clear that this is an "adults-only event." If your friends ask if they can bring their kids, be polite but firm. "As much as I love (little Shiloh or Zelda), this is just a party for the adults. I know you understand, and I hope you can make it!" Leave it there. Direct communication is the best. (But not in a "Real Housewives" wine glass-throwing-sort-of-way).
For example, my husband and I recently had a party at our house, and we invited close to 40 people. We knew it would be crowded and not the type of party for children, however we struggled with how to communicate this to our friends. Our friends always just assume their kids are invited. We don't want to outright say, "Your children aren't invited and you need to pay for a sitter," but we don't know what the alternative is. Any advice would be appreciated. -- ADULTS ONLY
DEAR ADULTS ONLY: I love kids. Just so I don't get a bunch of angry emails after giving my advice, I repeat: I love kids! However, I don't love kids at cocktail parties. Or any event after 6 p.m. that doesn't involve them directly. Your friends chose to have children, and I think it is fabulous that you are close to their kids. However, it is unrealistic for your friends to assume that you always want to see their kids at your adult parties.
The next time you send out a Facebook invite, eblast, mass text message or formal invite, make it very clear that this is an "adults-only event." If your friends ask if they can bring their kids, be polite but firm. "As much as I love (little Shiloh or Zelda), this is just a party for the adults. I know you understand, and I hope you can make it!" Leave it there. Direct communication is the best. (But not in a "Real Housewives" wine glass-throwing-sort-of-way).
lilyseaDEAR ABBY: I have been friends with a woman for the last 30 years. Our children are the same age. My daughter, who is in her late 20s, has a number of tattoos on her arm that she can cover with clothing if she chooses. However, she doesn't cover them often because she likes them and they mean something to her.
Recently, I showed my friend a picture of my daughter that showed one of the tattoos on her upper arm. My friend said, "Oh, I am so sorry about the tattoo," and proceeded to cover the tattoo with her hand, implying that my daughter would be attractive if it weren't for the body art. I was shocked.
I have always been supportive of my friend's children and have never criticized any of them, even though I haven't agreed with everything they have done. I was so hurt by her comment that I was speechless. I'm not sure I can continue the relationship feeling this way. But I'm hesitant to lose a 30-year friendship over something I might be overblowing. Am I being too sensitive? How do I resolve this? -- COMPLETELY THROWN BY THIS
DEAR THROWN: For a friendship of 30 years to end over one thoughtless comment would be sad for both of you. Sometimes people say things without thinking, and this is an example. Resolve your feelings by talking to her in person and telling her how deeply hurt you were by what she said. It will give her the chance to apologize and make amends.
Recently, I showed my friend a picture of my daughter that showed one of the tattoos on her upper arm. My friend said, "Oh, I am so sorry about the tattoo," and proceeded to cover the tattoo with her hand, implying that my daughter would be attractive if it weren't for the body art. I was shocked.
I have always been supportive of my friend's children and have never criticized any of them, even though I haven't agreed with everything they have done. I was so hurt by her comment that I was speechless. I'm not sure I can continue the relationship feeling this way. But I'm hesitant to lose a 30-year friendship over something I might be overblowing. Am I being too sensitive? How do I resolve this? -- COMPLETELY THROWN BY THIS
DEAR THROWN: For a friendship of 30 years to end over one thoughtless comment would be sad for both of you. Sometimes people say things without thinking, and this is an example. Resolve your feelings by talking to her in person and telling her how deeply hurt you were by what she said. It will give her the chance to apologize and make amends.
ceretaDear Prudence,
My sister won’t speak to me because I taught her daughter a naughty word. I was playing Scrabble with my 8-year-old niece, who is very smart. She always kills me when we play and it’s kind of embarrassing for me. But this one game was close. I had the opportunity to play all my letters to spell “fellatio” ensuring I’d win the game. I thought a bit about whether I should play this word or just lose graciously. Pride got the better of me and I played the word. My niece didn’t believe it was a word and looked it up in the dictionary. This lead to numerous questions about sex that I wasn’t prepared for. So I told her to ask her mother. When my sister found out what I’d done she hit the ceiling. She was furious at me that I’d taught her this word. Now she won’t speak with me. I’ve considered apologizing but I don’t think I did anything wrong. She would have learned the word eventually anyway. When I was a kid, I learned far worse words younger than that.
Bud! Fellatio is only 11 points in Scrabble! Even with the 50-point bonus for using all of your tiles, this was the wrong hill to die on. It is a bad idea to teach your 8-year-old niece about blow jobs, no matter how much you thought you knew about oral sex when you were a kid. (For everyone who doesn’t believe Scrabble can lead to a situation like this: Play with my family sometime.) I admire your commitment to winning and share your salt-the-earth strategy when it comes to gamesmanship, but you should know better. Apologize to your sister, and don’t play Scrabble with your niece again.
My sister won’t speak to me because I taught her daughter a naughty word. I was playing Scrabble with my 8-year-old niece, who is very smart. She always kills me when we play and it’s kind of embarrassing for me. But this one game was close. I had the opportunity to play all my letters to spell “fellatio” ensuring I’d win the game. I thought a bit about whether I should play this word or just lose graciously. Pride got the better of me and I played the word. My niece didn’t believe it was a word and looked it up in the dictionary. This lead to numerous questions about sex that I wasn’t prepared for. So I told her to ask her mother. When my sister found out what I’d done she hit the ceiling. She was furious at me that I’d taught her this word. Now she won’t speak with me. I’ve considered apologizing but I don’t think I did anything wrong. She would have learned the word eventually anyway. When I was a kid, I learned far worse words younger than that.
Bud! Fellatio is only 11 points in Scrabble! Even with the 50-point bonus for using all of your tiles, this was the wrong hill to die on. It is a bad idea to teach your 8-year-old niece about blow jobs, no matter how much you thought you knew about oral sex when you were a kid. (For everyone who doesn’t believe Scrabble can lead to a situation like this: Play with my family sometime.) I admire your commitment to winning and share your salt-the-earth strategy when it comes to gamesmanship, but you should know better. Apologize to your sister, and don’t play Scrabble with your niece again.
ceretaDEAR ABBY: At 26, I am about to move in with my girlfriend, "Candace." I love her so much, and I'm confident she's the one I want to marry. Candace has her 4-year-old daughter, "Michelle," with her most of the time we are together.
I'm confident that moving in together is the right decision, but living with Michelle makes me nervous. Although Michelle is smart and well-behaved, like most kids, she can be bratty and demand a lot of attention from Candace and me.
Candace has the utmost patience with Michelle, and I trust her ability as a parent. What I'm worried about is my own level of patience. I don't want kids anytime soon, and I get annoyed with Michelle a little too easily. What steps can I take to assure longevity in this relationship? -- YOUNG STEPPARENT
DEAR YOUNG STEPPARENT: Feeling as you do, I am not at all sure you should move in together. I'm surprised that a man who doesn't want kids anytime soon is so eager to enter into a living situation where that very thing is guaranteed. Before changing your living arrangements, consider signing up for parenting classes. They may not only give you insight into what to expect, but also how to handle situations that may arise.
I'm confident that moving in together is the right decision, but living with Michelle makes me nervous. Although Michelle is smart and well-behaved, like most kids, she can be bratty and demand a lot of attention from Candace and me.
Candace has the utmost patience with Michelle, and I trust her ability as a parent. What I'm worried about is my own level of patience. I don't want kids anytime soon, and I get annoyed with Michelle a little too easily. What steps can I take to assure longevity in this relationship? -- YOUNG STEPPARENT
DEAR YOUNG STEPPARENT: Feeling as you do, I am not at all sure you should move in together. I'm surprised that a man who doesn't want kids anytime soon is so eager to enter into a living situation where that very thing is guaranteed. Before changing your living arrangements, consider signing up for parenting classes. They may not only give you insight into what to expect, but also how to handle situations that may arise.
Dear Prudie: Kids staying over
Apr. 17th, 2015 07:14 pmceretaQ. Bad Aunt? I Don’t Want My Nieces Staying Overnight: In a couple of weeks, my brother and his family (wife, two kids) are visiting the city where my husband and I live. They are unable to afford a hotel, so prior to booking the trip I informed my brother that our place isn’t set up for overnight guests. We live in a loft, and the only room with walls is our tiny bathroom. Fortunately they are able to stay with my brother’s friend. Then my brother mentioned via email—our usual means of communication—that it would be great if the kids could spend one night at our place. My husband and I are childless by choice, and it’s well-known that neither of us cares much for children. We of course love our nieces, though we don’t know them too well considering we see them maybe once a year for a day or two. On our last visit with them, one of the kids barely spoke a word to us, and the other is a teen whose only concern seems to be her phone. Neither my husband nor I is comfortable at the thought of having children as overnight guests. I told my brother this, and he finds it ridiculous that we are refusing to host his kids for a night. Am I a bad aunt for making such a decision?
A: You’re a bad aunt, but just embrace it. Lots of people are happy in their choice not to have children. But when you say you globally dislike all children, even your own nieces, because they’ve inevitably started out life as children, that makes you a bad aunt. You love them? Really? You don’t even want to know them. You’re offended that on the last visit they did nothing to charm you, but that’s generally how people, especially kids, react around others who have not only no interest in them but only contempt. (And no one should take personally a teenager’s focus on the phone.) You don’t want them to stay over, so just stick to that. However, maybe your brother and his wife would appreciate an afternoon or evening to themselves. So you could offer to take the kids to a museum, or a show, or a cool neighborhood. Keep your expectations low, and maybe these slowly emerging adults will surprise you.
A: You’re a bad aunt, but just embrace it. Lots of people are happy in their choice not to have children. But when you say you globally dislike all children, even your own nieces, because they’ve inevitably started out life as children, that makes you a bad aunt. You love them? Really? You don’t even want to know them. You’re offended that on the last visit they did nothing to charm you, but that’s generally how people, especially kids, react around others who have not only no interest in them but only contempt. (And no one should take personally a teenager’s focus on the phone.) You don’t want them to stay over, so just stick to that. However, maybe your brother and his wife would appreciate an afternoon or evening to themselves. So you could offer to take the kids to a museum, or a show, or a cool neighborhood. Keep your expectations low, and maybe these slowly emerging adults will surprise you.
