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Dear Abby: Picture of Shirtless Kids on FB
DEAR ABBY: I'm concerned about a photo my uncle posted to Facebook. It features my two female cousins, ages 6 and 2, shirtless. I know no harm was intended in posting the photo, as they are both adorable girls. However, I find it inappropriate that the 6-year-old -- who is going into first grade -- was shirtless in the photo. Now that it is on the internet, it could be easily seen by a pedophile.
How do I express my concern to my uncle about this without coming off like I am trying to parent for him? I'm only 17 and don't want to overstep my boundaries, but as a caring family member, I am concerned. -- NIECE IN COLORADO
DEAR NIECE: Because you are nervous about approaching your uncle about this, consider discussing your concerns with the children's mother. If your uncle is a single parent, then mention it to your own parents and, if they agree with you, ask them to mention to your uncle that his semi-nude pictures on the web may endanger his daughters.
P.S. Your uncle should be made aware that he can customize his account settings and make his profile private. That way, only family and selected close friends will be able to see his timeline.
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So, as I so often say, I would like to hear others' views on it.
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Haha, cute. What do you say?
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I don't see any indication in the LW that the uncle made these pictures public, just that he posted them on FB, so Abby's suggestion of privacy settings, while well intentioned, is odd. I'd've phrased it differently - more along the lines of "If you believe these pictures were posted publicly, you may want to talk to him about FB privacy settings."
As a parent of that age range, I have, in fact, taken many pictures of many kids in various states of undress, having purely innocent fun. I've shared some of these online - usually with select people (FB privacy settings, or Dropbox folders, or Flickr guest access, yanno). I've also encountered other parents who have done the same, and have chatted with them about how their kids view their FB activities - some kids are blissfully ignorant of FB, some request that their activities not be posted at times, and some actively encourage posting. Point being, it's wildly unclear from the LW what the conversation between the uncle and the kids is on this topic. It's also unclear what that family's norms are concerning body privacy, which varies in perfectly normal ways among families.
I note that LW is 17, and it's not so much that she might be overstepping boundaries, but that her discomfort is likely more reflective of her own views than of uncle's, the kids', or the wider group the uncle is hoping to reach with these posts. Which is not to discredit her views and discomfort, but to put them in perspective. If I were the uncle, I'd be much more receptive to her saying, "you know, these pictures make *me* uncomfortable, and I'd like to talk about that" versus "these pictures might be seen by a child predator."
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The rest of it . . .
Here is the thing: I am the definition of The Lady On The Internet (a close cousin of Pratchett's most knowledgeable of creatures, The Man In The Pub) so there's that, but I have a cop as a close relative and literally online predation of children is his job. And from him I can more or less say that if you post any kind of public picture of your kid, there is a strong chance a predator will see it (and indeed yes be trawling around for such pictures). This is something that people should be aware of? And decide where their comfort levels are with the idea of their children being seen, because, yeah: if they're on the internet, yes, there are predators trawling.
This will also happen if you take your child to the grocery store, to a public park, to the zoo, to the pool, basically if your child exits your house, and if you are unlucky even if they don't, because it'll turn out you know one. Trying to make it so that a predator never ever SEES your child is more or less pointless, and there are no sexual characteristics in a shirtless photo of a child of either biological sex (or intersex, for that matter, or any other possibility of human biology). I would tend to suggest privacy settings for basically any pictures of children but I'm cautious like that.
If you are an involved parent in a basically functional household etc your child (especially your young child) is more likely to be hit by a car than be accosted by a predator who is a stranger, because they simply won't have access or opportunity. And predators who've managed to fool parents enough to get close to kids don't really need to rely on facebook pictures. Children who are vulnerable to stranger-predators are those who can be readily separated from their caregivers or who are old enough for access without parental supervision to be possible. That's not really relevant here. So.
The one thing I would be somewhat careful about is local mores, not because of "omg predator!" but because it would suck for the six-year-old to be subject to social censure because of something her dad did, and yeah, that happens. For consenting adults and even OLDER kids (ie ones who can have a good solid idea of the consequences and dealing with them) I'm kinda made of "fuckit someone else's prudery is not my problem", but for younger kids who can't make that informed decision I would err on the side of privacy, pretty hardcore.
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And especially-especially about erring on the side of privacy with the posting of small children's pictures. I'm not a parent and have no desire to be, but... I'm not sure what it is about parents that makes them want to post potentially-embarrassing-to-their-child photos of said child all over the place? I can sort of understand taking a picture of some cute thing to remember it by, but... keep it in the family? Rather than for any random strangers regardless of their sexual issues to see? I just don't get it.
(Other thing I don't get: it was very much not a thing where-and-when I grew up for little girls to go round topless much past the diaper-wearing stage? And for that matter, as I recall it, little boys were usually only topless when wearing swimming trunks and in or around water of some kind, and otherwise we were all just kinda in the "no shoes, no shirt, no service" dress code as little'uns? So that one is always just personally weird to me.)
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In terms of pictures, usually the same impulse as humans have for sharing anything delight-causing about anything they love? And often also as a moment of "oh my god look what my child just did" way of diverting a potential frustration/upset moment into LOL OMG. (There is a deep satisfaction in sharing "today's ridic tantrum expression/posture/etc" with people who will also lol): this is a thing in our world that is HYPER IMPORTANT to which we are having a reaction and we wish to expose others to it in order for them to have (hopefully) the desired of/similar/approved of reaction because humans like to be validated that way. And then a failure to think about stuff past the impulse, which is another common human thing.
On a personal level I think the cut-off for one's right to do that is about whenever the kid starts noticing/caring; lots of people just don't ever consider the issue of giving a kid the right over their own display.
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