Dear Abby: I don't want kids, so I'm moving in with one

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: At 26, I am about to move in with my girlfriend, "Candace." I love her so much, and I'm confident she's the one I want to marry. Candace has her 4-year-old daughter, "Michelle," with her most of the time we are together.

I'm confident that moving in together is the right decision, but living with Michelle makes me nervous. Although Michelle is smart and well-behaved, like most kids, she can be bratty and demand a lot of attention from Candace and me.

Candace has the utmost patience with Michelle, and I trust her ability as a parent. What I'm worried about is my own level of patience. I don't want kids anytime soon, and I get annoyed with Michelle a little too easily. What steps can I take to assure longevity in this relationship? -- YOUNG STEPPARENT

DEAR YOUNG STEPPARENT: Feeling as you do, I am not at all sure you should move in together. I'm surprised that a man who doesn't want kids anytime soon is so eager to enter into a living situation where that very thing is guaranteed. Before changing your living arrangements, consider signing up for parenting classes. They may not only give you insight into what to expect, but also how to handle situations that may arise.

Comments

[cereta]

No, no, no, no, no. You "don't want kids anytime soon," so you are putting yourself in a position in which you will be involved in raising one? Everything but that one line would make this seem like a fixable situation: pull back on moving in together; yes, take a parenting class; spend more time with Michelle to work on making sure your annoyance (which is an acceptable way to feel) does not translate into action (making sure you still speak calmly, etc). But if you are not interested in being a parent at the moment, then the worst way to "assure longevity" is to put yourself in a position where you will be taking at least a partial parental role.

[liv]

[I did not assume LW was male; they sign off as steppaarent, not stepfather. But gender issues aside.]

I have a lot of feels about this letter cos I'm in a somewhat similar situation; my husband and I, who are childfree, are dating a couple who have young children. And probably we're not going to end up living together as a single household, but it's not completely off the table either. So we're not step-parents, but we do have a pretty big role in the lives of our partners' children, and I do worry about whether I'm patient enough and proficient enough in other parenting-type skills.

I'm reasonably ok with the advice that if you don't want kids you shouldn't move in with someone who has kids, but I'm not sure that not moving in together is going to completely avoid the issue.