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Family pressures woman with serious health issues to wear unsafe clothing for a wedding
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My stepfather’s grandson’s wedding is black-tie optional, and my stepfather’s children are renting him a tux. My mom, who is 90, thought she would wear a nice pants outfit with a dressy jacket, and is resistant to buying something new. She has been through a lot this year (treatment for lymphoma, cancer surgery, and she recently fell and broke her pelvis, so she is in a lot of pain).
I and my three sisters (my mom’s only children) live on the opposite coast, but we are now being pressured by the mother of the groom (my stepfather’s daughter) and my stepfather to see that she is outfitted appropriately -- not just for the wedding, but also for the rehearsal dinner (cocktail attire) and the wedding breakfast to be held the day after the wedding.
They have also expressed concerns about the shoes my mother prefers (very safe, comfortable, but not at all dressy). My sister even heard my stepfather tell her that if she doesn’t get something new to wear, she can stay home and not attend the wedding or other events.
My mother doesn’t stand up for herself, unfortunately. Two of us will be traveling to see her soon, and plan to take her shopping. My sister is even purchasing a few things for my mom that she will bring with her, in the hopes that maybe something will fit and work for this event.
Personally, I think it is extremely superficial of them to dictate what she wears (especially since the wedding is six months from now!). If it were me, I would just be thrilled they are both well enough to attend, regardless of how they are dressed.
Is my mother wrong to resist the request to buy something more formal? Or should the step-family back off?
GENTLE READER: What happened to the “optional” part?
While Miss Manners always advocates dressing properly for the occasion -- and generally abhors “optional,” as it just invites chaos -- the particulars of your mother’s dress seem to be unduly fixated upon here. There is certainly a lot of undue angst being put into this poor woman’s wardrobe that seemingly requires three separate outfits and uncomfortable, possibly dangerous, shoes.
If your mother can reasonably be jollied into the shopping expedition or accepts one of your sister’s choices for one new outfit, fine. But if not, please talk to your stepfather about “backing off.” Surely this cannot really be worth all of this fuss.
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...well, that's appalling.
There are legitimate reasons to dislike clothing choices. Muddy smelly and unwashed? Sure. Offensive writing on a tshirt? Okay. But not brand new??? How is that even remotely something worth fussing about?
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i) treatment for lymphoma
ii) cancer surgery
iii) she recently fell and broke her pelvis
iv) a lot of pain
to wear unsafe shoes.
Do they not realise that unsafe shoes could cause a fall and a broken hip, and that at 90, a broken hip is often a death sentence?
Or do they just not care?
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a) offensive political statements
b) someone in the wedding party is violently allergic to the fabric or allergens on the fabric e.g. a mohair shawl that has cat dander, or silk that reeks of perfume or mothballs.
c) threadbare clothing
d) ripped or torn clothing (unless you are Vivienne Westwood, or are attending her wedding)
e) holes in clothing (unless you are Vivienne Westwood, or are attending her wedding)
f) dirty or smelly clothing
g) clothing in a colour that will make the Bride/Groom look ill if photographed next to the guest
...that's pretty much it.
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i) treatment for lymphoma
ii) cancer surgery
iii) she recently fell and broke her pelvis
iv) a lot of pain
to wear unsafe shoes.
Do they not realise that unsafe shoes could cause a fall and a broken hip, and that at 90, a broken hip is often a death sentence?
Or do they just not care?
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I was sad (but understanding) that my grandparents were unable to attend my wedding. Had they been able to attend, I certainly would not have cared what they were wearing.
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Plus what everyone else has said.
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