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agonyaunt2017-09-06 09:05 am
fairestcat) wrote in agonyaunt2017-09-06 09:05 am
Entry tags:
Dear Prudence: Daughter's friend being in wedding
Question: My 27-year-old daughter and her best friend, Katie, have been best friends since they were 4. Katie practically grew up in our house and is like a daughter to me. My daughter recently got engaged to her fiancé and announced that Katie would be the maid of honor (Katie’s boyfriend is also a good friend of my future son-in-law). The problem is that Katie walks with a pretty severe limp due to a birth defect (not an underlying medical issue). She has no problem wearing high heels and has already been fitted for the dress, but I still think it will look unsightly if she’s in the wedding procession limping ahead of my daughter. I mentioned this to my daughter and suggested that maybe Katie could take video or hand out programs (while sitting) so she doesn’t ruin the aesthetic aspect of the wedding. My daughter is no longer speaking to me (we were never that close), but this is her big wedding and I want it to be perfect. All of the other bridesmaids will look gorgeous walking down the aisle with my daughter. Is it wrong to have her friend sit out?
Answer: I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around this letter. I encourage you to reread it and to ask yourself that time-honored question, “Do I sound like a villain in a Reese Witherspoon movie?” You are, presumably, sympathetic to your own situation and are invested in making sure that you come across as reasonable and as caring as possible, and yet you have written a letter indicting yourself at every turn. This girl is “like a daughter” to you, and yet you want to shove her to the side of your other daughter’s wedding just because she walks with a limp. Your daughter’s wedding will be perfect with Katie as a full and honored member of the bridal party. A limp is not a fly in the ointment; it’s a part of Katie’s life. It is not only wrong to have asked your daughter to consider excluding her best friend over this—it is ableist, and cruel, and it speaks to a massive failure of empathy, compassion, and grace on your part. You must and should apologize to your daughter immediately, and I encourage you to profoundly reconsider the orientation of your heart.
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If this is how LW treats someone who's "like a daughter" to her, it's not surprising LW and her actual daughter were "never that close" and LW's daughter is now not speaking to her.
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I wonder if actually, she has rather a lot of problems wearing high heels, but you have verbally bludgeoned her into doing so...
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I was thinking of this comment I saw on Captain Awkward recently:
"I have an autoimmune condition, and because of it, I really feel the Cards Against Humanity pair that goes “I’m young, hot and full of moderate to severe joint pain”. As such, I use forearm crutch(es) and rarely, a wheelchair. My sister is getting married, and because appearances are everything, my mom was aghast when I got out of the train station with two crutches because “I thought you were only using one?!” and then took me shoe shopping, where I acquiesced to trying on, and then letting her buy me a low-heeled sandal (I pretty much am 100% flat shoes for the past 3 years since getting sick, so guess where this is going).
The next day was the bridal shower, so I wore the shoes of doom because my flat sandals were not good enough. I also didn’t use my crutches, because familial pressure. By the end of the day, I could barely walk, even when I put on my flat sandals for going home, and the next day I basically cuddled ice packs in bed while taking all the breakthrough meds I was allowed (breaking a good run of not needing them because I didn’t do the right thing for me). Was it worth it? HELL NO. Would I have felt better defending my boundaries and wearing proper (flat) shoes? HELL YES. Am I going to listen to my body (and brain) come wedding day? YUP. I told her as much on the phone, which ended in me hanging up on her because “Well, you should just try wearing heels for a little bit each day…” NOPE. I like walking, and I prefer not torturing myself. I tried her way, but I’m going to buck up and draw my line in the sand, which is you can play dress up with my clothes/hair/makeup, but I’m choosing the shoes, and whether or not I need crutch(es). I want to enjoy my sister’s wedding, unlike her shower, where at about hour two I was well and truly done on both the OMG TOO MANY DAMN PEOPLE level and the FUCK FUCK OW physical pain level."
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Bwee.
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