Care & Feeding: Someone Reported Us to CPS It Feels Like Retaliation.

[minoanmiss]

My 9-year-old son has a disorder, which has caused him to struggle mightily socially. This was a really hard year, but I think we are on the right track. Lately, he has been complaining about bullying by other kids. I am not naive—I know that he also sometimes bullies or picks on other children. But it’s easier for adults to believe that he’s the one doing it because he has a history of getting in a lot of trouble due to behavioral problems associated with his disorder. There are three kids we have heard about, and frankly, it sounds like the bullying is bi-directional.

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Today we got contacted by Child Protective Services (CPS). The parents of one of his classmates, apparently one of the ones he has butted heads with a lot, said that we were providing “inadequate supervision.” There were lots of claims, some of which I could understand because they had some basis in fact, even if they weren’t true. For example, they said he had scratches on his arms and claimed he was torturing cats. My son did have scratches on his arms when we got a kitten because he was playing with him and would let the kitten bite and scratch him. Some of the claims were complete fabrications. They said that my son watches violent movies and plays violent video games. My son does not watch movies at all, and we rather strictly control video games. (I’m not sure he even knows the names of any violent video games unless you consider Minecraft violent.) They also said that we did not allow people to visit our child at our house. I do not know these people, so how would they know if we let people come to our house or not? I don’t think they know who we are, either!

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Overall, it seems that this report was made maliciously and in retaliation for issues between the two boys. I wonder now if this is a parent who volunteers and is in the classroom with my son. (How would they know about the scratches? It seems odd that their kid would mention it.) I’m also concerned about who else this person is chatting with about my son, and whether my son may have figured out that his classmate’s parents reported us.

How do I deal with the school about this issue? Either the child lied to his parents and the parents believed him, or the parents fabricated lies that they told CPS. I really hope it was the former! The child would not know the consequences of their actions, and they are just a child. But I don’t want the person who made a false report to CPS around my son. I also worry that if my son figured out what happened, the feud between these two boys would get worse! I am currently thinking that the school needs to know about the false report, and I would like to ask them to keep this parent away from my son. I also think they should know that the conflict between the two boys may get worse and if possible, it would be better to simply keep them apart.

—Getting Reported Sucks
Dear Reported,

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I’m sorry you’re going through this. There are two ways to look at this situation. The charitable interpretation is that there is someone out there who was concerned for your son’s welfare and wanted to look out for him in the best way they knew how. It is also possible that the person who reported you is a mandated reporter (all teachers are, for example) and was thus legally and ethically bound to make the report. It’s unclear whether you know for a fact that a specific parent called in the report—or whether you’re just making informed guesses based on the information provided and want to figure out who did this. But at least in my state, the identity of a reporter isn’t released to the subject of the investigation and is kept strictly confidential. And that seems to be the norm across the board (with certain exceptions for folks who explicitly waive their right to confidentiality). I’m a mandated reporter and bullying and harming animals are two of the indicators we’re trained to look out for. We are also trained to report things we see or hear to the authorities and allow them to determine whether an investigation is warranted—the thinking is “when in doubt, report.” So, just because a report was made doesn’t necessarily mean any malice was intended, and thus I would be careful about trying to uncover who made the report and calling that person out for doing what they thought was right.

The other interpretation of these events is that someone is judging your child and you and wants to cause trouble. It seems like a lot of effort for a vendetta, but after a few years of writing this column, fewer things surprise me than before. If that is indeed the case, you wouldn’t be able to prove the identity of the reporter, anyway, so I doubt the school would take any action based on your suspicions of a confidential process. In fact, they might be reticent to do so because the process is supposed to be confidential.

What you could do, however, is focus on the current conflict between the kids. Share your concern that other parents might be biased in their interactions with your son and ask the school to either monitor things or secure additional room parents. Express that you think it would be best to keep these three kids and your son apart. If your son has an individualized educational plan (IEP), you could also discuss with the teacher or caseworker the need to have qualified certified personnel working with your child due to the complexities of their disorder and struggles this year.

As scared as you must have been, and as angry as I’m sure you still are, I think the prudent move is to do what you can to move on from here. Whoever made the report received a letter informing them of the investigation’s findings (again, at least in my own state) and has learned the report was unfounded. Hopefully, that is the end of it. You cannot control what other people think of you, but you can continue to advocate for your son, which you’re clearly doing. I would focus your efforts there.

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If your son does start to piece together what happened, use the conversation to remind him about the importance of not falling into bullying or antagonizing behavior, and asking adults for help when you need it (an unsatisfying piece of advice, I grant you). You might also take the optimistic viewpoint with him that, as uncomfortable as this was for your family, the system exists to protect kids. And while your son is safe, loved, and cared for, not all kids are that lucky. So if someone had to come to your house to check on you, maybe that’s OK, because the next house they check on might have a kid inside who needs them.