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Dear Prudence: I made a wheelchair user cry trying to help her with her wheelchair
Dear Prudence, I recently tried to assist a disabled person getting out of an SUV onto a wheelchair. At the time, it seemed like she had trouble controlling the chair, and I rushed to help. She was brought to tears as she tried to get me to move away. But then she seemed like she was about to fall again while trying to sit in the chair. In retrospect, I think I might have overreacted. But, again, she insisted that I did not help her. I see that person more or less every day, and I am uncomfortable about the right thing. I don’t know if apologizing will make things worse. Is there anything to do to make this right or less awkward?
Answer: You say the woman in question seemed “about to fall again” but not that she ever actually fell, a detail I believe you would have included had it actually happened. Ask yourself why you did not back off the first time this woman asked you to leave her alone. Did you assume that, because she’s in a wheelchair, she doesn’t know her own limits and when she does or doesn’t need assistance? There’s nothing wrong about wanting to help someone, but there is something wrong with repeatedly ignoring someone who’s saying “No, please stop” until you’ve pushed them to the point of tears. What you did was neither helpful nor kind, regardless of what your intentions were, and you do owe her an apology. Apologize for assuming that she didn’t know what she was talking about when she said she could get out of her own car without assistance, for continuing to foist yourself on her after repeated requests to stop, and for making her cry. Make it clear that you’ll never touch her or her chair without her express permission again and that you’re making a concerted effort to change your behavior in the future.
In the future, if you see someone who may possibly need help with something, you don’t have to squash the impulse entirely; just ask, “Can I help you?” and let yourself be guided by their answer. If someone says, “No thanks, I’ve got it,” take them at their word and back off.
Answer: You say the woman in question seemed “about to fall again” but not that she ever actually fell, a detail I believe you would have included had it actually happened. Ask yourself why you did not back off the first time this woman asked you to leave her alone. Did you assume that, because she’s in a wheelchair, she doesn’t know her own limits and when she does or doesn’t need assistance? There’s nothing wrong about wanting to help someone, but there is something wrong with repeatedly ignoring someone who’s saying “No, please stop” until you’ve pushed them to the point of tears. What you did was neither helpful nor kind, regardless of what your intentions were, and you do owe her an apology. Apologize for assuming that she didn’t know what she was talking about when she said she could get out of her own car without assistance, for continuing to foist yourself on her after repeated requests to stop, and for making her cry. Make it clear that you’ll never touch her or her chair without her express permission again and that you’re making a concerted effort to change your behavior in the future.
In the future, if you see someone who may possibly need help with something, you don’t have to squash the impulse entirely; just ask, “Can I help you?” and let yourself be guided by their answer. If someone says, “No thanks, I’ve got it,” take them at their word and back off.
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The only thing I'd add in her place is that in addition to personal autonomy and dignity, the wheelchair user LW wanted to help probably had a legitimate concern that LW would accidentally cause her pain or even permanent injury, or damage her wheelchair, since LW doesn't know the details of how her body or her chair works. And that LW might injure herself too for that matter. But of course the personal autonomy and dignity should be reason enough on their own not to touch someone (or their assistive device) without permission.
But I'm not a wheelchair user and can't speak from real knowledge.
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I would have liked her answer to include:
a) "helping" people against their will can severely frighten them, especially if they have PTSD and/or Anxiety, which many wheelchair users do. More wheelchair users have experienced physical assault compared to non-disabled people, which makes it all the more important not to man-handle them against their will.
b) "helping people" against their will can cause physical pain or permanent physical injury to the wheelchair user
c) "helping people" against their will can severely damage the wheelchair, which is a very expensive piece of equipment that can cost as much as a new car, and which is vital to people's ability to get to work, medical appointments etc.
d) "helping people" against their will can cause physical injury to the "helper", as many wheelchairs are much heavier than you think.
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My bar is so low that I was just relieved Prudence got the main point right, that LW was in the wrong and needed to apologise and never touch her or her wheelchair again. Which is a bit sad, come to think of it, that that's where my bar is.
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There's another point that I wish Prudence had brought in,, which is that the abled LW doesn't know the wheelchair-user's experience. The observer's "was about to fall" could well be the wheelchair user's "in order to get out of this tight corner from my ramp I need to pop a wheelie, and it's a very delicate operation that needs to be completely undisturbed."
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