![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
Entry tags:
(no subject)
Dear Care and Feeding,
What’s the best way to handle “parenting” other people’s children? My kids are very close with a pair of siblings (all 9 and 6). The son, “Trent,” is my son’s best friend and likely has ADHD (they are awaiting formal diagnosis) As a result, he struggles with managing emotions and has frequent meltdowns over seemingly small issues, so it can be hard to tell how to address some of his behaviors versus how I would with my own kids.
Recently when the kids were over, the four of them decided to start a band. They all chose instruments, happily practiced for half an hour, and then called us in for a performance. At this point, Trent decided he wanted to play either the instrument my son had or the one his older sister had. I kindly explained that it wouldn’t be fair to switch as they’d all agreed earlier and been practicing, but he could choose a different instrument no one was using, be the second piano player alongside his sister, or they could do a second set afterwards where they swapped instruments and he could have the one he wanted. But he wasn’t interested in any of these and got upset.
I held firm on the fairness issue—with my kids, they don’t get their way just because they’re upset. Trent started crying and saying he wanted to go home, and I was a bit at a loss for what I should do. In the end, both his sister (who is used to these scenarios) and my son offered to swap with him, and he took my son’s instrument. I don’t know whether this was an emotional dysregulation thing or more typical 6-year-old who isn’t getting his way behavior. I told my son later it was kind of him to switch but that he shouldn’t feel he needs to do something he thinks is unfair just because someone else is upset. (My son was visibly annoyed when Trent didn’t thank him for swapping and was much less interested in the band after.)
What was the best way to handle a crying 6-year-old at my house when his parents aren’t there to step in? Should I have encouraged someone to swap with him when I saw he was getting upset to try to keep the peace, or was I right to hold the line?
—My House, Whose Rules?
Dear My House,
When someone else’s kids are at your house, you want to ensure their safety and meet their individual needs, not necessarily treat or “parent” them precisely as you would your own children. Yes, you’re in charge, but other people’s children are also guests in your home and still learning how to behave in social situations. If they don’t feel safe and supported, it’s harder for them to think about things like behavior and manners.
This is not to say that I would have just given in to Trent in the situation you described. I probably wouldn’t have. Not so much to “hold the line” or because it’s “my house, my rules,” but because I’d be thinking about the feelings of the others, too, and because young kids (whether they have ADHD or not) tend to benefit from consistency and clearly communicated boundaries. But in that scenario, with an upset child who is possibly having a meltdown or on his way to one, I think it’s also really important to let him know that you understand his feelings, and do your best to support him and help him calm down.
When anyone is sad or angry or frustrated, it can help to empathize and validate their feelings: “I know you’re disappointed and upset because you want a different instrument. I get that it’s hard.” It can also help if you encourage kids to empathize with each other; e.g., “I think if you take someone else’s turn with this instrument, they would feel sad/mad/upset.” You can offer them a quiet space to calm down—a change of scene or activity sometimes does the trick. Ask whether anything could help them calm down—like paying attention to their breathing, reading a story, watching a short video, etc.—and offer to do that activity with them if they want.
If my 6-year-old was very upset and crying at someone else’s house, especially if attempts to help them calm down weren’t successful, I would want to know. So another thing you can do next time something like this happens is check in with the other parent—not to complain about their kid, but to keep them informed. They might want to talk to their child on the phone, or come talk to them in person, or pick them up early. It’s also not too late to talk with Trent’s parent(s) about what happened, and find out if they have any suggestions or if there’s a particular way they’d like you to handle situations like that in the future.
Link
What’s the best way to handle “parenting” other people’s children? My kids are very close with a pair of siblings (all 9 and 6). The son, “Trent,” is my son’s best friend and likely has ADHD (they are awaiting formal diagnosis) As a result, he struggles with managing emotions and has frequent meltdowns over seemingly small issues, so it can be hard to tell how to address some of his behaviors versus how I would with my own kids.
Recently when the kids were over, the four of them decided to start a band. They all chose instruments, happily practiced for half an hour, and then called us in for a performance. At this point, Trent decided he wanted to play either the instrument my son had or the one his older sister had. I kindly explained that it wouldn’t be fair to switch as they’d all agreed earlier and been practicing, but he could choose a different instrument no one was using, be the second piano player alongside his sister, or they could do a second set afterwards where they swapped instruments and he could have the one he wanted. But he wasn’t interested in any of these and got upset.
I held firm on the fairness issue—with my kids, they don’t get their way just because they’re upset. Trent started crying and saying he wanted to go home, and I was a bit at a loss for what I should do. In the end, both his sister (who is used to these scenarios) and my son offered to swap with him, and he took my son’s instrument. I don’t know whether this was an emotional dysregulation thing or more typical 6-year-old who isn’t getting his way behavior. I told my son later it was kind of him to switch but that he shouldn’t feel he needs to do something he thinks is unfair just because someone else is upset. (My son was visibly annoyed when Trent didn’t thank him for swapping and was much less interested in the band after.)
What was the best way to handle a crying 6-year-old at my house when his parents aren’t there to step in? Should I have encouraged someone to swap with him when I saw he was getting upset to try to keep the peace, or was I right to hold the line?
—My House, Whose Rules?
Dear My House,
When someone else’s kids are at your house, you want to ensure their safety and meet their individual needs, not necessarily treat or “parent” them precisely as you would your own children. Yes, you’re in charge, but other people’s children are also guests in your home and still learning how to behave in social situations. If they don’t feel safe and supported, it’s harder for them to think about things like behavior and manners.
This is not to say that I would have just given in to Trent in the situation you described. I probably wouldn’t have. Not so much to “hold the line” or because it’s “my house, my rules,” but because I’d be thinking about the feelings of the others, too, and because young kids (whether they have ADHD or not) tend to benefit from consistency and clearly communicated boundaries. But in that scenario, with an upset child who is possibly having a meltdown or on his way to one, I think it’s also really important to let him know that you understand his feelings, and do your best to support him and help him calm down.
When anyone is sad or angry or frustrated, it can help to empathize and validate their feelings: “I know you’re disappointed and upset because you want a different instrument. I get that it’s hard.” It can also help if you encourage kids to empathize with each other; e.g., “I think if you take someone else’s turn with this instrument, they would feel sad/mad/upset.” You can offer them a quiet space to calm down—a change of scene or activity sometimes does the trick. Ask whether anything could help them calm down—like paying attention to their breathing, reading a story, watching a short video, etc.—and offer to do that activity with them if they want.
If my 6-year-old was very upset and crying at someone else’s house, especially if attempts to help them calm down weren’t successful, I would want to know. So another thing you can do next time something like this happens is check in with the other parent—not to complain about their kid, but to keep them informed. They might want to talk to their child on the phone, or come talk to them in person, or pick them up early. It’s also not too late to talk with Trent’s parent(s) about what happened, and find out if they have any suggestions or if there’s a particular way they’d like you to handle situations like that in the future.
Link