cereta: Amelia Pond (Amelia)
Lucy ([personal profile] cereta) wrote in [community profile] agonyaunt2016-09-15 01:51 pm
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Dear Prudence: My husband wants to live on his own

Q. Marriage possibly ending: I have been with the same guy for six years, married for one. He has two sons from a previous marriage, and she is not in the picture. If it is relevant I’m a male too. My husband has asked me if I could accept his moving into his own apartment for a year because he has never been on his own. He says he doesn’t want us to break up, just live apart for a while. The boys would stay with me in our home, and he would take them to spend the night every so often. We would also have a weekly date night just to keep our relationship “on track.” He married his ex right out of high school, and they had children right away, so he really hasn’t ever been on his own. I have not given a response other than asking a few questions. Truthfully the idea makes me mad as hell and I just want to tell him to leave if you want and take your damn brats with you! Then I calm down and realize I can’t live without him and the boys. Or maybe I can. I feel this is unbelievably selfish of him, but I kind of understand. But the boys have already been abandoned by their mother, how would this plan affect them? I am so confused, and hurt. Help!

A: I would resist the urge to take your (extremely understandable) frustration, hurt, and confusion out on the kids by referring to them, even facetiously, as “your damn brats”; whatever happens between you and your husband, I hope very much that you can see his children are not responsible for his behavior. What troubles me the most is his request that you take over primary custody of his children so he can have a bachelor pad. It’s one thing to suggest living apart from one’s romantic partner; it’s quite another to abdicate daily responsibility toward your own children just because you’ve never lived in a studio. I might have more faith that your husband was trying to suggest a genuine, radical-yet-loving change in your living situation if he weren’t also asking you to become his children’s primary caregiver—it sounds to me that what he is asking is for you to become the father he no longer feels like being, while you get to see him for one date night a week. If he wants a divorce, that’s one thing, but what he’s offering is a homemade custody agreement that puts the burden of daily caregiving almost entirely on you. That’s not “keeping your relationship on track”; that’s abandonment. What he’s proposing is selfish and cruel, and you are right to reject it. Tell him that his plan is unacceptable and that you will not consider it, and hold firm. If you two end up divorcing over this—and you may—you should figure out a custody agreement that benefits the children first, and your husband’s desire to live in a loft second.
minoanmiss: A spiral detail from a Minoan fresco (Minoan Spiral)

[personal profile] minoanmiss 2016-09-15 08:55 pm (UTC)(link)
Oh, I want to give LW a hug. I remember when I needed to stop living with my boyfriend, how difficult it was to convey to him that I still love him and didn't want to break up with him.

That said, there were no children in play. I think -- negotiating with a partner is one thing, but I think the childrearing situation proposed isn't fair to either LW or the children (quite notably the children). LW has a really good point about them feeling abandoned by yet another parent, imo.

I really hope if they do separate or divorce LW can get some kind of shared custody, because it's clear they're invested in the children, even with the grumpy "damn brats" comment. (Which is another reason I want to hug the LW -- I am also living with and invested in children I have no biological tie to. I sympathize.)