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Sometimes I feel like telling people they're bad parents
Dear Care and Feeding,
I am a divorced mother of an only son, “Daniel,” age 8. I had thought the divorce would make things better, but my ex has been a nightmare co-parent. He has more money than I do, and despite the terms of the settlement, he uses it to buy the affection of our child, as well as to influence him in profoundly unhealthy ways. So, for instance, near the start of the month, I noted that Daniel’s shoes had some holes in them and I went to get him some new ones. I got him a very nice pair at a very reasonable store, only to have him take them off almost as soon as he got home and put his old ratty shoes on. He said the ones I got “hurt [his] feet to wear them,” and when I asked why he didn’t say something at the store. he had the gall to lie to my face and said he did and that I didn’t pay attention.
After a day of this and a grounding for his lying, I threw out his old shoes so he’d have to wear the new ones. That worked up until the next visitation, when Daniel came back from his father’s sporting a brand-new pair of sneakers, the ones I bought nowhere in sight. Worst of all, he was super sullen about coming back home and didn’t want to talk about the shoes his father got him, accusing me of not listening to him anyway. His father did a lot of lying and gaslighting, and I’m sure he’s teaching our boy those same horrible habits. My son gets more and more unhappy to come home each time. Help me, please—I can’t stand to lose my son like this.
—Single Mother Needing Help
Dear Help,
I will take your word that your ex-husband was a liar and a creep. And I feel for you, the parent with fewer resources, who must deal with an ex who can throw money around in a way you cannot. That’s a disheartening situation, and it can really hurt to see a child start to understand the ways that you’re struggling while your ex is not.
You note that this is only the latest example of your ex “buying Daniel’s affection” and unhealthily influencing him. I don’t know what the other examples of such behavior are, but as an outsider looking in, I must say that this does not seem particularly egregious on your ex’s part. His son arrived at his house with shoes that, he said, hurt his feet; your ex bought him new shoes. I’m sure he didn’t know—I bet Daniel didn’t tell him—about the drama surrounding the old ones. Are they, like, $575 Louboutin high-tops? If so, then yes, I agree he’s buying your son’s affection. If not, then I think in this instance he was probably just buying his son shoes.
I am concerned that you are taking out your feelings about your ex on your son. It is your decision how to discipline him, but I was taken aback to hear that in addition to forcing him to wear shoes he doesn’t like, you grounded him. Maybe he did lie, yes, in hopes of getting his dad to buy him more expensive shoes. Maybe the shoes don’t even hurt his feet but he just doesn’t like them. Maybe he was afraid to tell you because he can sense the anxiety and anger coming off you in waves and doesn’t know what to do. But he is trapped in a shared-custody arrangement that is already going off the rails, and he is undoubtedly feeling sad, frightened, and lonely. Please, please cut this little guy a break. He’s not turning into your evil ex. He’s 8.
Link
I am a divorced mother of an only son, “Daniel,” age 8. I had thought the divorce would make things better, but my ex has been a nightmare co-parent. He has more money than I do, and despite the terms of the settlement, he uses it to buy the affection of our child, as well as to influence him in profoundly unhealthy ways. So, for instance, near the start of the month, I noted that Daniel’s shoes had some holes in them and I went to get him some new ones. I got him a very nice pair at a very reasonable store, only to have him take them off almost as soon as he got home and put his old ratty shoes on. He said the ones I got “hurt [his] feet to wear them,” and when I asked why he didn’t say something at the store. he had the gall to lie to my face and said he did and that I didn’t pay attention.
After a day of this and a grounding for his lying, I threw out his old shoes so he’d have to wear the new ones. That worked up until the next visitation, when Daniel came back from his father’s sporting a brand-new pair of sneakers, the ones I bought nowhere in sight. Worst of all, he was super sullen about coming back home and didn’t want to talk about the shoes his father got him, accusing me of not listening to him anyway. His father did a lot of lying and gaslighting, and I’m sure he’s teaching our boy those same horrible habits. My son gets more and more unhappy to come home each time. Help me, please—I can’t stand to lose my son like this.
—Single Mother Needing Help
Dear Help,
I will take your word that your ex-husband was a liar and a creep. And I feel for you, the parent with fewer resources, who must deal with an ex who can throw money around in a way you cannot. That’s a disheartening situation, and it can really hurt to see a child start to understand the ways that you’re struggling while your ex is not.
You note that this is only the latest example of your ex “buying Daniel’s affection” and unhealthily influencing him. I don’t know what the other examples of such behavior are, but as an outsider looking in, I must say that this does not seem particularly egregious on your ex’s part. His son arrived at his house with shoes that, he said, hurt his feet; your ex bought him new shoes. I’m sure he didn’t know—I bet Daniel didn’t tell him—about the drama surrounding the old ones. Are they, like, $575 Louboutin high-tops? If so, then yes, I agree he’s buying your son’s affection. If not, then I think in this instance he was probably just buying his son shoes.
I am concerned that you are taking out your feelings about your ex on your son. It is your decision how to discipline him, but I was taken aback to hear that in addition to forcing him to wear shoes he doesn’t like, you grounded him. Maybe he did lie, yes, in hopes of getting his dad to buy him more expensive shoes. Maybe the shoes don’t even hurt his feet but he just doesn’t like them. Maybe he was afraid to tell you because he can sense the anxiety and anger coming off you in waves and doesn’t know what to do. But he is trapped in a shared-custody arrangement that is already going off the rails, and he is undoubtedly feeling sad, frightened, and lonely. Please, please cut this little guy a break. He’s not turning into your evil ex. He’s 8.
Link
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WELL SAID ADVISOR.
The ways people will be cruel to their nearest and dearest never cease to amaze me even though my parents were often remarkably cruel to their little girl (this is totally a stunt my mother would have pulled).
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I'm not sure 1) LW would give up that much control or 2) Ex wants that much responsibility (what's that stat about how men get primary custody more than 50% of the time they request it, and so much of the reason men have primary custody less than 50% of the time is that they often don't want it). This poor kid could be stuck between two assholes, for all we know -- Ex enjoys being Permissive Expensive Gift Parent and LW is punishing the kid for being a kid and thus swayed by stuff like expensive gifts.
But what LW can control is treating her kid better, and I hope she manages to do so.
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When I tried looking that up recently I couldn't find it. But what I did find is that over 90% of custody cases are settled out of court, which amounts to much the same thing - if Dad only gets every other weekend, that's because this is what he and Mom agreed to.
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I didn't say anything at the moment, but after it had settled down I asked "I didn't hear it, what did he say?" and when she told me I said "Oh. But, you know, you did just say the word "stupid". You said the situation was a stupid one."
(Of course, at the age of three I don't expect her child to know the difference between calling a whole frustrating situation stupid and calling a friend stupid to their face.)
Which is to say that I find it very plausible that her son did tell her in the store that the shoes were uncomfortable and she either didn't hear or didn't pay attention. I also find it plausible that they didn't feel uncomfortable in the store but they did feel uncomfortable once he wore them more than a few minutes and, once confronted, he didn't see an easy way to explain that that wouldn't make his mother mad.
And I think not making his mother mad is probably in the forefront of this kid's mind because, let me be clear, LW sounds massively in the wrong. I agree that she needs help! The help she needs is not the help she wants, though, because what she needs is a combination of therapy, possibly some anger management classes, and parenting classes.
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::stares::
As a Former Child, I acknowledge that children are people and people lie, but what seems more likely: a harried mom misses something her child says in a crowded store, or a kid comes up with a multistep plan to gaslight his mom over whether his shoes hurt?
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As someone who has painful feet for several reasons (EDS hypermobility/resulting plantar fasciitis/super-thin skin that blisters and breaks easily), shoes that hurt are *miserable*, and it's not always obvious in the store whether they're going to cause a blister after a couple of hours, or pinch unbearably when you've walked for a bit.
I understand not having the money to buy replacement shoes if those can't be returned, but the answer is not to take it out on your kid!!
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I'm thinking about my "I don't like this" to any number of things in childhood that turned out to be things like food intolerances. And even a good parent may go "stop whining, they fit, we need to finish shopping" at some points, and a parent who is bad in the specific way this one is? yeah. no.
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(And then, of course, once the kid had perfectly good shoes that his dad bought, the goal became "punish him for having signs of his other parent on his person" which sure is a noble and loving parental attitude.)
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I mean, I'd suck it up and do it, but I wouldn't like it.
(At least, I think I'd suck it up and do it. I hope I would!)
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Shoes were invented by Torquemada, and trying on shoes was invented by Torquemada, and discontinuing shoes that WORK for people was invented by Torquemada.
In conclusion, all my sympathies are with this poor kid who's probably going to need therapy, but I don't think shoes needing breaking in is a sign that the mother bought shoes that aren't meant to be played in.
But yeah, the way to break in shoes is what
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when I said it made me itch very badly
(surprise! I have since been told by dermatologists not to wear wool! because I have a really nasty skin reaction to wool)
I identified very strongly with the son here
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But our response wasn't "you lied to me in the store; you're grounded"; it was "wear the new shoes to school, and you can change into the ratty ones when you get home". It generally took only a few days before the kid wasn't bothering to change out of the new shoes when they got home. And if they still found the shoes uncomfortable after a few days of school wear, then OK, the shoes genuinely didn't fit and we'd get a different pair.
(Also, why does LW not want their kid to have a pair of beat-up shoes to wear when playing in mud or puddles?)