C&F: Our Three Year Old Has Suddenly Become an F-Bomb Specialist

[minoanmiss]

[Content advisory: the column this letter came from contains a graphic and disturbing letter about children and sexual activity. This particular letter is only about profanity.]



Daddy’s oopsie in a moment of pain is now our kid’s favorite phrase.
Dear Care and Feeding,

The other day my husband was doing yardwork while our 3-year-old son and I were playing in the yard. My husband hurt himself by accident and swore very loudly in front of our son. Now our son keeps saying “f*ing sh*t.” We’ve tried telling him we don’t say bad words like what Daddy said, but that didn’t work. Then we just stopped reacting to it hoping that would stop it. That didn’t work. Now he’s dropping F-bombs constantly. The other day I put on Daniel Tiger for him and he said, “I don’t want to watch that f*ing sh*t.” Help me!

—Potty-Mouth Problem

I answered this question during Tuesday’s live video, but I’m going to expand on it here for a larger audience.

Frankly, I share your son’s opinion on Daniel Tiger, which is a disgrace to the memory of Fred Rogers, but that’s not really germane to your question.

This happens to everyone, sooner or later. Your son, bless his heart, is right on schedule. Now, for the benefit of the other readers, here’s my Captain Hindsight suggestion: You have to go straight to not reacting. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200, act as though he has said “I like race cars,” and then hold the line.

Unfortunately, and very reasonably, you first reacted as most people do when their kid parrots Extremely Adult Language: “You can’t say that thing that your dad absolutely just said, what is your fascination with my forbidden closet of mystery?”

So, now you have two options: consequences or ignoring. It’s absolutely going to take longer for either of these options to work than if you had ignored it from the beginning, because 3-year-olds are little attention-seeking machines and often do not particularly prize positive attention over negative attention, and also if you go for ignoring, he knows you are bluffing. Happily, 3-year-olds do not have the longest of memories, so if you are consistent and wait him out and never so much as let the corners of your mouth twitch, he’ll eventually let it go.

In terms of consequences, you can just turn off the TV or take away the toy and say “we don’t say those words.”

Either way, it’s going to take a while. In the meantime, start incorporating fake swears for those moments in which you absolutely must swear and practice until it feels natural to say “oh, ketchup! I have dropped an anvil on my foot!” My blessings to you.

Comments

[matsushima]

Every now and then as a teacher, you get a gaggle of (older) children (9-12, in my experience) who swear to be cool and edgy… and cases like this letter are exactly why I tell them what I tell them: "You know what you sound like? You sound like a toddler who just learned a new word."

[leeshajoy]

I've read an anecdote on Tumblr where the parent said "we only use those words when we're really, really hurt"... which worked fine at home, but didn't go over so well at school.

[melannen]

1. He didn't pick up saying "I'm not going to watch that fucking shit!" from his father swearing once in a moment of pain. (Kids pick up shouting bad words with no context that way. They don't pick up using them grammatically and figuratively.) Just, you know, a note. He knows that "We don't say those words" isn't true because he's definitely heard them more than just the once. He's started using them more now because you made a fuss about it and now he knows it's special, not because he only just learned it.

2. If he's had enough experience with bad words to use them grammatically and figuratively, you can explain the rules of bad words to him for real, and make it part of the grown-up secret he's in on. "Those are grown-up words, but even grown-ups save them for special occasions like when they run over their feet with a lawnmower, because they're special words. Most people don't like it when kids say them, so until you are bigger you need to keep them as special-occasion words for when you're very upset and you're at home." Something like that.

[cimorene]

This has a good chance of working but it had a better chance before they freaked out and made it exciting.

[resonant]

"Those are pretty rude words, kiddo. You can't expect to get your way when you're being impolite."

(But Daddy ... Yeah, and he wishes he hadn't been impolite, believe me.)

I knew someone whose granddaughter addressed her as "you old bat" at about this age. I would have SO MUCH TROUBLE not laughing.