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How do you deal with messy bedrooms? Our 11-year-old is responsible when it comes to a lot of things, but keeping her room clean isn’t one of them. I could deal with general messiness, but her floor is just covered in clothes (both clean and dirty), skincare products, school stuff, etc. It will get to a point where she cleans it up, but within a week it’s a disaster again. She doesn’t seem to be embarrassed when friends come over and honestly doesn’t understand why we care so much. What’s the best way to not only keep her room clean enough so I don’t have to avert my eyes when walking past, but also have it so this isn’t an ongoing battle?

—Where’s the Floor

Dear Floor,

I guess my first piece of advice is to try to separate yourself emotionally from the whole (literal) mess? Don’t turn it into a character flaw, or a sign that your daughter isn’t responsible. It’s pretty normal for a kid her age to not notice or be particularly bothered by clutter.
If it really upsets you to look at it, then don’t constantly monitor its status; check only as needed.

My mom used to have a refrigerator magnet that read “Creative minds are rarely tidy,” and I think about it every time I glance into my artist child’s chaotic room. I would prefer it if she noticed, cared, and cleaned it without being told, but it’s just not a priority for her, and arguing with her about it just annoys us both. I wish I had a magic solution for you, but I just … tell my daughter to pick up her room every couple of weeks, usually when the rest of us are working to clean other rooms. I’m a big fan of the routine, because then it’s not an impromptu order or parental power trip—it’s just that time when we clean whatever is messy. (Those of you who clean your house more than once or twice a month: I’m super happy for you.)

Of course, I know that her room will soon be messy again. But she also knows that she’ll be tasked with picking it up again. It’s the expectation—and a slightly frustrating cycle, I grant you—but not an ongoing fight.

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When the niblings were in middle school and being homeschooled, I hung around on a homeschooling-and-afterschooling forum where they had a phrase they threw around like candy: don't expect what you won't inspect.

Which is to say, if you want the room to be clean you have to get in there every day and take a look around and tell your child that the dirty clothes go in the hamper, the makeup goes on top of the dresser, the clean clothes go in the drawers, and so on, and also, that she needs to take a shower or at least clean under her arms. (The deodorant habit seems to be particularly hard to develop. Sometimes I see people elsewhere freaking out over their too-young-to-stink kids wanting to put on deodorant "like grown-ups", and guys, don't freak out, encourage it. The sooner that habit starts, the more secure it is by middle school!) You don't pretend to yourself that you have some other child than the one you actually have, one that is magically tidy at the age of eleven.

Alternatively, if you're not willing to do this every single day you go with option two - shut the door!

To date, btw, it looks like all the commenters at Slate are on Team Close the Door, excepting one person who is busy handwringing over an eleven year old having skincare products.

I'm coming at this from my own neurodivergence, but have you had your kid evaluated for ADHD? I was literally incapable of keeping my room clean as a kid because of my ADHD. Between things becoming part of the background noise and being unable to find a place to start cleaning and being overwhelmed by the act of cleaning...

My parents had a rule by the time I hit middle school that I had to have a path between the bed and the door and if I wanted Dad to empty the wastebasket when he was doing the weekly trash emptying rounds then the can had to be somewhere along that path. As an adult I really struggle with keeping surfaces clean. (Floors have to be clear because I'm a fall risk.)

LW, sit down with your kid and talk about how you'd like her room to be cleaned and why. Do a room makeover so there's a hamper kid likes and there's enough space for all the skincare to live. Maybe there are clothes everywhere because there isn't enough storage for them. Or maybe it's time to go through clothes and get rid of the ones kid doesn't want anymore. Get some hooks for the wall to hang worn but not dirty enough for laundering clothes.

As an ADHD person who struggles to keep areas clean, here are the rules I would require:

* Dirty laundry should go in the hamper. (This makes it possible to wash the dirty laundry, which she should also get a role in if she doesn't already.) When it comes off, either it goes in a specific staging area (if it's not too dirty to wear) or it goes in the hamper.
* There should be a place for clean laundry; if that place is a heap in a hamper, make sure there are enough hampers to go around.
* Food that is not actively in the process of being eaten, or securely contained in whatever your area needs in order that it won't become a pest magnet, must not be in the room. (This is for sanitary reasons.)
* Dishes must be bussed promptly, and that's her responsibility. No dirty plates or half-consumed drinks. (Also for sanitary reasons.)
* Piles on the floor cannot stay there indefinitely; they must be picked up and put somewhere periodically in order to vacuum. If this means putting half the room at a time on her bed and vacuuming under where it was before putting it back down, then that's what it means.
* There should be a regular schedule for her to clean her room, whether it needs cleaning or not. Weekly is a good idea here, since it's a complete tip after a week. If doing it all at once is A Lot for her, talk about what incremental cleaning would look like. (Schedule Cleaning O'Clock for a time when something fun is NOT usually happening, and if there happens to be something fun in any particular week, have some times where the process could get moved earlier.)

If food or drinks other than water aren't allowed in the bedrooms at all, you also don't have to worry about dishes or half-eaten food or food-related trash.

I'm also a firm believer in setting up my (probably ADHD) kid for success as much as possible, which means I have rules like 'no food in the bedroom' because that way I don't have to get mad when she inevitably forgets to bus her dishes promptly or knocks her chocolate milk over on the rug.

OP has two choices: don't look, or offer more support than you think an eleven-year-old could possibly need to clean her room. My ten-year-old gets entirely overwhelmed when faced with the disaster that's her room, but I can come in and tell her to pick up all of the [category] and she can. Sometimes she'll ask for me to set a timer for five minutes so that she can clean as much as she can get done in that time; basically whatever works for your kid.

I follow this gal on Insta,

nottheworstcleaner, a social worker who volunteers to clean the spaces of people living in hoarder conditions due to mental health issues, and her suggestion is to start in a one-square-foot area and then gradually move around the space a square foot at a time. This method also has the benefit of having immediately visible results, which picking up all of the [object] might not, because while picking up all of the stuffed animals will have a big impact, picking up all of the markers probably won't. (That's also why I start with something big and impactful, like stuffed animals, and gradually work down to smaller things as the floor gets cleaner.)

"More support than you think a [category of person] should need" is such a good idea not just for this. Because "I have decided that you should be able to do this" and "you can do this" are not always the same thing, and it's so very clear to me that theory of mind is super-hard: we are all very bad at figuring out what is hard and what is easy for other people.

I once had somebody lose their shit at me, really, for suggesting that their child needed a checklist and daily review to get their daily chores done. They were the one who asked for advice, but somehow this was offensive to them? Pilots have checklists, ffs!

No food or drinks in the bedroom is a generally good idea but it does depend heavily on the kid and the way food and private space is handled in the household generally - especially as they get to their teen years it might just lead to a secret stash of food kept in the bedroom that you don't know about at all (which may or may not be kept in a sanitary manner.) The rule that more or less worked for me was no *dishes* in the bedroom - a bottle of juice or a cookie or orange was fine, but nothing complicated enough that I'd have to remember to take the dishes out. (It still led to bits of cookie or orange peels occasionally lingering but that is far preferable to dirty plates, and it let me eat what/when I wanted but keep it to relatively tidy options in the bedroom.)

It's a rule I'm willing to revisit as the need arises - right now Bug is a strongly rule-abiding, highly sociable solo kid and we live in a two-bedroom condo where the snacks are basically always available. I'm the kind of parent who's always willing to reconsider rules if you make a good argument against it.

If food or drinks other than water aren't allowed in the bedrooms at all, you also don't have to worry about dishes or half-eaten food or food-related trash.

Would that it were so, but just because something is against the rules doesn’t mean a pre-teen won’t do it, every day and twice on Sundays

Which brings us back to "don't expect what you won't inspect". If you have a rule like this then it's on you to make sure it's being followed.

Admitted my kid is one whose anxiety is triggered by rule breaking and I'm very chill about what and when she eats, but I feel like a kid who's sneaking food into their room is signaling a different kind of problem that needs to be discussed.

The problem might just be “I like to eat in my bedroom but, let’s be clear, I’m not so good at clearing up after”. That’s my problem anyway.

I mean, I'm like 99% sure the problem is "I'm 12 and you can't monitor my every move and I want to so nyah".

I realized, much later in my teens than it would have been useful to realize, that when I cleaned my room up and made it a nice, open, welcoming space, that you could come into without having to wade through piles of clothes and so on, that was a place someone other than me might want to voluntarily spend time in... people did. That pile of dirty clothes in the doorway was serving as a protective ward to keep my space my space, without me ever having to ask people to keep out. I don't think this was conscious on anybody's part but boy was it noticeable once I noticed!

So, yeah, close the door. If your hvac doesn't allow it, close it at least most of the way or get a curtain. And make an effort to stay out of her room whether it's clean or not. She clearly knows how to clean it because she does, when it gets to the point where it's unwelcoming even to her; she just doesn't see the upside in making her room into a place her mom enjoys being in (and why would she?)

For several years my childhood bedroom was covered in clutter -- papers on the floor, books piled everywhere, scattered bags and craft materials, etc.

One day when I was about sixteen, with no prompting from my parents, I suddenly went "let me see if I can clean this up a bit". An hour and several trash bags later, my room was clean and stayed that way till I graduated.

Both my kids have messy rooms and have for years; I figure it's largely because I've bought them more stuff than we have room to store. Middle is not naturally organized and has an extremely hard time getting rid of things; Youngest has more inclination towards organization and decluttering but is still dealing with more stuff than the room has space for, plus there's only so long he can put up with cleaning his room until he gets bored and goes to play Roblox. Also, it's not like the adults are setting a good example!

LW, when's the last time the room was reorganized, and how much input did the kiddo have in that process? Is she able to change her room as she grows (furniture, layout)? How much privacy does she have (do you knock, and do you wait for permission to enter)? Nothing reinforces a mess like finding it works as an area-denial measure.

Does she have sufficient space in the bathroom for her toiletries and skin care, and is she given undisturbed time to use them there? Does she have a place to do and keep track of schoolwork separate from where she sleeps and plays?

If it's mainly clothing, maybe drawers are a pain and she wants to see all her options. She's prime age for taking over her own laundry -- I'd give her a rolling clothes rack and some lucite bins to corral small stuff, and start working with her on building wardrobe basics and encouraging her to cull what she feels doesn't fit or suit.

Is also suggest a door curtain, those are great.

LW, have you taught her how to clean, or have you just said 'go clean your room' and expected her to do it?
I didn't have much stuff, but I struggled to keep my room tidy - we had a no food upstairs rule, but I can remember getting hit for dropping my school uniform on the floor, instead of hanging it up. No one ever came to see me at my home, friends-wise, so I didn't care much.

Dropping your uniform on the floor does not seem like the sort of thing that requires any punishment, corporal or otherwise. Surely that could've been handled by a nagging reminder to come back and put it away?

It could have been, but some parents insist on percussive methods. (I too was hit for dropping my school uniform on my bedroom floor. )

Which I meant to be a topic sentence, and hit "send" too soon. I was talking about childrearing with some of my coworkers and was pretty delighted to hear that few of them hit their kids ever and none do frequently.

Speaking of work why do people keep making me do it? runs off again

Edited 2024-05-06 22:15 (UTC)

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