Dear Abby: How do I dump my girlfriend without hurting her kids?

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: I have been living with my girlfriend, Robin, for four years. She has children from a previous marriage, and their father is fairly active in their lives. I jumped in and have taken the kids to activities, helped with homework and I pay the majority of the bills. I dearly love the children. My problem is I no longer love their mother. Robin and I are like roommates who share a bed. There is no passion, no joy together and no partnership. I spend my time with the kids or alone. She's with them at different activities or busy on her computer. When I suggest ways we could bond together, she says, I'm too tired, or I don't want to do that, or This is the way it is! I have stayed this long only for the kids, but I'm unhappy to the point of aching. I feel guilty about leaving and the strain it will put on the kids. Is there a way to leave a situation like this? Am I a bad man for wanting out and possibly leaving the children to a tougher life? -- UNHAPPY IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR UNHAPPY: Because the woman you're living with shows no interest in improving the quality of the relationship, wanting to leave does not make you a bad person. You will have to accept that because the children depend upon you for certain things they will be affected by your departure. It's too bad you didn't consider that before moving in with someone who had a family. Try to make the breakup as civil as possible. Before you go, talk to each of the children individually. Make it clear that they are not the reason the relationship is ending and that you will always care about them. That way, they won't think they did something bad and blame themselves.

Comments

[ambyr]

Seems like a perfectly opportunity to suggest the girlfriend be screened for depression (not that he is under any obligation to stay regardless).

[cereta]

I posted this because I'm curious to see if anyone else was as put off by, "It's too bad you didn't consider that before moving in with someone who had a family." It seems to me that Abby is saying he should never have gotten involved with Robin and her children. Yes, to quote Stone Soup, when you date the mom, you date the kids, but he seems to have been very good for the kids. It might have been better had he not allowed them to become so financially dependent on him if they weren't married, but I'm not sure what else he was supposed to do.

[jo_lasalle]

I was. It's kind of a no-win situation so I don't expect the advice to magically solve all that, but this weird guilting tone is just weird. Yeah, you have to take the kids into account if you date a single parent, but her implied logic seems to be that you can never date a single parent, because you might break up later?

That logic could be hilariously extended to all couples with kids who split, too. 'Guess you didn't consider this enough before you made babies!'

[greenygal]

Yeah, I was raising my eyebrows at that a lot, especially since all the rest of it sounds perfectly reasonable except for this one line about how he should have known better! Is the idea that he shouldn't have moved in until they were married? Because I don't think being married would fix the situation he's in now.

[recessional]

Yeah, it wouldn't. If he'd adopted the kids, it'd mean he would continue to be financially responsible for them, but otherwise . . .

[recessional]

I was, yeah.

[azurelunatic]

If they were married, I bet she'd be suggesting marriage counseling.

[minoanmiss]

You are totally not the only one put off by that line. Too much of US society considers women with kids untouchable; Abby shouldn't bolster that idea.

[abbylee]

Agreed, totally gross. And it seems like particularly bland advice surrounding it, too.