Ask Amy: Joy at grandchild’s birth is hampered by vanity

[cereta]

Dear Amy: My daughter and son-in-law are expecting their first child. My husband has a granddaughter, but this will be MY first grandchild. My husband and I have been together for more than 16 years and have helped raise each other’s children.

I love his granddaughter and I don’t want her feelings to be hurt by announcing on social media that I am expecting my first grandchild. She is 8 years old and knows that I am her father’s stepmother, but I still don’t want to hurt her. Whenever she comes over, my husband and I both spoil her (like grandparents should), but she has always favored her “Papa.”

The problem for me is that I am much younger than my husband, and I didn’t want my social media friends to think that I was old enough to have an 8-year-old grandchild.

How can I say that I am expecting my first grandchild without making her feel like she doesn’t count?

— Grandma to Be

Dear Grandma: I appreciate your sensitivity about this situation, but I have news for you — you are already a “Grandma.” You have been one for the past eight years, and for you to try to find a way to deny this now that you are about to have a “real” grandchild in your life is all about your own vanity.

Your young granddaughter wouldn’t be the only person surprised (and possibly hurt) by the revelation that she isn’t your grandchild. Her parents, especially the parent you “helped to raise,” would likely be quite wounded.

I could also venture a guess that the reason your granddaughter has always favored her “Papa” is because you are signaling to her in a variety of ways that she is a placeholder for the real grandchild who will someday come along and claim your heart.

I became a grandmother quite young — at least it seemed so at the time, because I wasn’t prepared for this life stage. But family comes to you in different ways and at different times, whether or not you’re ready (or “old enough”) for it.

And so now the thing to do is to take to social media to announce your joy at the birth of your second grandchild.

Comments

[the_rck]

I agree that the LW already has a granddaughter and really needs the reprimand, but I think I'd have suggested that they say that their daughter is expecting her first child. That gives the pregnancy a first that doesn't detract from any other relationships.

[mommy]

This is probably the most polite way to put it.

[minoanmiss]

You deserve the pay more than the columnist.

[vass]

Oh hi there my grandmother. My father had two kids already when he married my mother. Her mother always made it very clear to my brother and sister that they were not her grandkids. Don't be my grandmother.

[rosefox]

I got the same from the flip side. My stepfather's mother sent us all checks for Hanukkah—and the ones for my stepfather and half-brother were twice the size of the ones for my mother and me. Hard to untangle the sexism from the blood-family-ism there but wow did that hurt.

[vass]

I'm sorry, that's really shitty. My grandmother did the cheques for Christmas/birthdays thing too. It was ugly.

[deird1]

I didn’t want my social media friends to think that I was old enough to have an 8-year-old grandchild.

...so, you're at least 38??? Horrors!

[fairestcat]

This kind of thing pisses me off SO MUCH.

Shared blood does not make someone any more or less your family. Why is this such a hard concept to grasp???

[the_rck]

My half-sister's mother considers herself one of my daughter's grandmothers even though she and my father split up years before my daughter was born.

[fairestcat]

My oldest niece (now 28) has three people she considers her dads/her son's grandfathers. The one she's biologically related to she didn't even meet until she was fifteen. Her ex-step-father and his husband had a lot more to do with raising her and are a much bigger part of her son's life.

My step-mother is, in fact, too young to have been my sister's mother. That hasn't stopped her from embracing my nieces as her granddaughters and their offspring as her great-grandchildren.

[vass]

My niece has three grandmothers and one grandfather. I believe there were some careful negotiations between my brother's mother and his partner's mother who would be Grandma and who would be Nanna.