Dear Care & Feeding:"Guess Who May Not Be Coming To Dinner"

[minoanmiss]

(I had to snag that line) Dear Care and Feeding,

My 15-year-old son is dating a black girl in his grade at school. She’s great, they’ve been dating for a year, we spend lots of time with her, and she makes him very happy.

Here’s where it gets complicated: This year, Thanksgiving is at his mother’s parents’ home. They are racist as heck. Do we invite her to come with, as we certainly would if she were white? No one wants scenes at family holidays, but obviously we also wouldn’t want our son (or ourselves!) to sit by quietly if his grandparents said insulting, racist things to his girlfriend.

—Guess Who May Not Be Coming to Dinner

Dear GWMNBCtD,

I wouldn’t subject a 15-year-old girl to this. She’s not here to be a Teaching Experience for old people. If you feel confident that someone will say something racist to her, tell your son that his grandparents will be jackholes to this young woman.

But the answer isn’t to attend Thanksgiving at those jackholes’ house, with your son, without her. He can spend Thanksgiving, with his girlfriend’s family, if asked, or you can celebrate Thanksgiving with her in your own home, and explain to your wife’s parents that your son is dating a young black woman and you don’t feel comfortable bringing her to their home because of their previous racist comments.

They may swear up and down that they won’t put a foot out of line. I still wouldn’t run that risk. Being racist has consequences, and they are going to experience one of those consequences this year: not spending Thanksgiving with their grandson. That’s a great Teaching Experience in and of itself—one that doesn’t put the burden of doing the work on a young black woman.

Comments

[melannen]

I am curious: Is it a normal thing to invite your 15-year-old's SO to Thanksgiving with their grandparents? Maybe I'm biased because my grandparents always lived far enough away that Thanksgiving was an overnight, and that's a different level of invite. But it's weird to me that this is even assumed. They're not married! They're 15! She (presumably) has her own family events! None of my cousins' SOs ever came until there was either an engagement ring or extenuating circumstances. I really doubt she would even find it odd if she wasn't invited, as long as *you* don't make it weird!

(Okay, if she *doesn't* have any family she would want to have Thanksgiving with, that goes under 'extenuating circumstances' and you make it work.)

Anyway, if a) she marries him eventually, or b) you do live in a milieu where it would be notable that she wasn't invited, or you've been inviting other kids' SOs for years or something: tell her what's up? Tell her you would invite her to Thanksgiving but the inlaws are racist and awful and you don't expect her to sit through that, so would she rather come along and enjoy spectating the fight that you will undoubtedly start on her behalf, or would she rather do something else, or would she be willing to be your much-needed excuse for not going either?

But don't protect her from learning about this issue. And definitely, definitely don't give her the impression that you're making a sacrifice by not going. If they're too racist and awful for her to come along, and you can't even trust them to can it for a day for their grandkid, then you don't want to go either, the end.

[minoanmiss]

I don't say this lightly, but I think this is a case where the adults need to protect the kids. To use myself as an example (since I'm a Black girl I know somewhat) if I had been given this choice when I was fifteen I would have chosen to go and do my best to be an Ambassador For Black People (which I had explicitly been told at age 12 I was supposed to be, and obvs never forgot) and I would have ended up emotionally destroyed and quite possibly unable to continue dating my boyfriend, knowing his grandparents hated me and all Black people that much. If the parents have to explain (such as it's well known they invite all their kids' SOs to Thanksgiving) I think it should be in the context of "so we're having Thanksgiving at our house this year" and only if they can be sure she won't feel guilty. Many teenagers would feel guilty.

[melannen]

Yeah, you are probably right! I tend to lean hard toward "let teenagers make as many of their own decisions as you can, because they will find out this stuff anyway and hurt themselves" but I may lean too hard in that direction, especially when I don't have all the context.

[minoanmiss]

In general I lean in that direction too, but bigotry is... an exception. Dealing with the fact that half of society will hate one for who one is is a different kind of problem than budgeting properly for gas. Kids who face bigotry have to deal with it early and often, and sparing and protecting them as much as possible is what adults should do, I think.

...also, I kind of hope the LWs think "Why do we have Thanksgiving With Racist Grandparents anyway?" and that this can lead to a change about what's right and not just about this particular girl.

[ambyr]

I agree with this.

[staranise]

HECK YES. 100%

[katarik]

Yes, this. Present it as a decision already made; if the kid argues about it, or says that she feels like she needs or wants to, her agency should also be respected, But: as you say, she's a child and she should be protected from assholes. Black girls don't get enough sheltering. Why put her through that? For that matter, why do the White parents of her boyfriend keep letting them get away with it?

[lunabee34]

As a data point, I grew up in the rural US South, and it was super common for people to spend holidays with their high school boyfriend/girlfriend's family doing whatever they usually did for that holiday. I had several boyfriends go to my MeeMaw's house for holidays.

[movingfinger]

I do think that 15 and in the same grade is a bit soon for invitation to Thanksgiving, which is generally understood to be a sign expressing seriousness in the relationship! The exception: the waifs-and-strays rule, under which you can get almost anyone a seat at the table, because for whatever reason (nationality, travel, orphan status, boarding school, anything) they cannot be aloooone on Thanksgiving. And let's face it, a day with pie is generally better than a day without pie.

So, I say, this is not a time to invite a 15-year-old girl to Racist Family Fest. Have Friendsgiving on the next day or the weekend, as is also a cultural norm in both Canada and the US, and make sure you have one more dessert than guests. And then everyone can enjoy themselves without waiting for the Racism Bomb.

[lavendertook]

One problem with this is that the son is probably aware his parents would invite her if she were white. So he is learning that their choice is to exclude his black girlfriend from the holiday and acquiesce to his grandparents' racism. What kind of person is that teaching him to be? And what if his gf picks up on all this and does feel excluded? Just another little reminder that she is not worthy to sit with the all important white people?

Really, if they haven't confronted the parents' racism long already, it's time they did, or be not only complicit in their parents' racism, but actively racist in risking hurting a teen girl. If they would have invited her to dinner if she were white, then they should need to invite her to dinner and exclude the racist parents who would hurt her and explain to them why. And then they need to ask themselves why they needed to ask an advice columnist what they should do once it occurred to them that they would have invited her without question if she were white. What answer were they hoping for? They really need to ask themselves that if they are going to work on their own racism.

Finally, they need to wait and see if she would risk attending Thanksgiving with them and their aversive racism. Maybe her parent's have decided she better stay with them this year, because her boyfriend's family is only beginning to start dealing with their own whiteness, and IF her parents' have the spoons, invite her white boyfriend, because the little boy of such a clueless white family is all they can handle right now. Way stressful for her family.

[movingfinger]

Would the boy's family invite her, though? This is unclear to me. Why they thought this invitation is a potential thing at all is a mystery. Thanksgiving Day for a high-school girl would normally be spent with her own family. If there are extenuating reasons for her not to spend it with her own family, then that changes the background. But normally, a 15-year-old is with their own family for this holiday.

If the girl's family is unavailable at Thanksgiving, then they need to talk really frankly with their son about his racist family and her comfort, but having T-Day at home would be less stressful for everyone.

[xenacryst]

Well, LW says they would certainly invite her if she were white.

I think LW and family need to work on their own racism, even if it isn't as overt as the in-laws'. If they would certainly have invited her if she were white and are writing to an advice columnist because she's black, then I'm not sure that's entirely a reflection of the in-laws - I think they need to look inward and see what their source of friction is and how to address that. But I get it! Choosing the path of least resistance is easy for the person who has good intentions and thinks of themselves as Not A Racist, but it's not enough. Now they've been called to the plate, they need to actually bat for Team Not A Racist.

[minoanmiss]

Word.

[minoanmiss]

I hope a bit that this galvanizes the parents to stop dining with the racist grandparents, to think, "Why have we been putting up with this? How can we ourselves be better?"

[lavendertook]

It is the perfect line for this post. (-:

That looks like excellent advice, except I would also caution them that if their parents' are not used to being given a hard time by them about their racism, then it's time they start doing some heavy educating of themselves on racism and whiteness to try to minimize the ways in which they may unknowingly hurt this black teen they are welcoming to their family.

[minoanmiss]

Ooh, yes. I wish I could email the parents your addendum.

[staranise]

Right?! The actual unspoken answer in the letter is, "Maybe you need to stop giving the racists in your life such an easy pass."

[eleanorjane]

Honestly, I don't get why this is even a choice. Fuck the racist inlaws, have holidays with people who don't suck.

[eleanorjane]

(Sorry, that's a bit glib. I do get why it's a choice. I hope the LWs make the right one.)

[conuly]

They should have stopped spending time with outspoken racist grandparents years ago, and then they wouldn't be in this position now. I don't care how much of a bigot you are, good manners and discretion is just not too much to ask. If I expect my five year old to chew with his mouth closed and not talk about poop at the table, you can refrain from talking about racist racist racist stuff.