Dear Abby: Drama Ensues When Granddad Objects to Trash Left in His Car

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: Recently, my wife took two of our granddaughters (ages 9 and 15) and a friend (age 15) to the movies. As usual, the next day I found trash had been left in the car, which triggered the following text exchange.

I sent both granddaughters a picture of a garbage can and my car and asked: "Please advise which one is used to throw away trash? If you need help, ask your mom. I'm not accusing anyone of anything. Also, if one of your friends was to throw trash on your Poppy's car floor, what should you do? Would you ask them to pick it up -- yes or no?"

The only response I received was from their mom, who said, "'Amber' (granddaughter) did not leave trash in your car!" Things have gone downhill from there.

I replied that I expected an answer to my questions, and that I hadn't accused anybody of anything. You would think I had shot someone! Many tears have been shed, and my wife has threatened to divorce me for standing my ground. We have agreed to have you settle this. What say you? -- TALKING TRASH IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR TALKING TRASH: You are the injured party. You did nothing wrong. You are owed an apology from all concerned -- the kid who left the trash in your car, and your wife and daughter for overreacting.

Comments

[rosefox]

"As usual" and the threat of divorce (!) suggest to me that this is a grudge of long standing.

"I'm not accusing anyone of anything" is patent nonsense and also hints at there being more to the story than is described in the letter.

I'm baffled by this whole thing. If his wife was the adult who took the kids to the movies, wouldn't she be responsible for saying "Let's make sure we don't leave trash in the car when we get home"? Where's the kvetching at the grandkids coming from? Why the passive-aggressive wording?

[jadelennox]

yeah, "I'm not accusing anyone of anything" turns this from what could be affectionate snark into passive aggressive bullshit. And "my wife has threatened to divorce me for standing my ground" means there's a lot we're not hearing. I didn't interpret that as necessarily grudge of long standing -- though you're right, divorce threats rarely come from one event -- but that "standing my ground" means something more like:

Wife: LW, stop being a passive aggressive dick to Amber. She's 9 years old. Throw the trash in the garbage can and stop acting like they were cooking meth in the basement.

LW: This is a Higher Point about Their Moral Turpitude! I am not accusing anyone of anything! How will they ever learn not to be feckless layabouts if they cannot be honest about trash in the car?!? I have a higher calling!

Wife: LW, hang on one sec. This trash is the receipt for a bottle of prune juice and some preparation H.

LW: ...

LW: I still expect an answer to my questions!

Wife: 👀

LW: You would think that I had shot someone!

[tielan]

Maybe it's just the way I communicate, but this comes across as super-confrontational. A text with "next time you're in the car, please take your trash with you" would have been a whole heap more productive.

The 'as usual' does suggest that this isn't the first time, but if it's his car, then the way to deal with it next time is to tell the wife and grandkids "I can't let you use the car because you don't return it clean."

Also, I kind of want to kick Abby for buying into his degree of obsession without so much as a "Maybe everyone here is overreacting to the situation. Including you. You can be the bigger person, let it go, but set limits on their use of the car next time this happens, or you can die a lonely old man who was the 'wronged party' in a minor stoush about car cleanliness."

[sathari]

I'm in complete agreement with both the other commenters here, especially the part about why in the world he's having a go at the grandkids when his wife, the adult chaperone, would be the logical person to take it up with. Instead they, and we, are treated to a completely and unnecessarily snide text message. A grownup in this scenario who wasn't so busy being smug and condescending might include a picture of the state of the car as evidence in a text message to the kids and/or their mom, but only after he and his wife had discussed it. And the fact that the wife is threatening divorce over this suggests that this sort of snide overreaction to anything LW perceives as undesirable is the tipping point.

Also, WTF at Abby for siding with this guy so completely. AT the very least he was rude and passive-aggressive and at the worst he's totally failing to communicate with his wife and is taking out their problems on the grandkids.

[cereta]

Yeah, I'm basically at that side of things. It all breaks down to a giant, "I call bullshit," you know?

[eleanorjane]

Yep, me four. What the hell, this is terrible advice.

A sensible human being would say "hey peeps, I love y'all to death but I don't love having garbage left in my car. I get that not everyone is as picky as I am, but please respect someone else's car if you're being driven around in it, okay?", and when it all got too much, politely decline to lend the car to his wife. (Who is the person actually responsible for policing the tidiness of the car when she's using it, IMO.)

And if the wife/grandmother doesn't have a car of her own, then it's not HIS car, it's THEIR car, and they need to have some negotiations about what that means without dragging the grandchildren into it.

Also, Abby is a fucking terrible human being.

[redbird]

I would ask how he got to be old enough to have a fifteen-year-old grandchild while still thinking anyone would let him get away with saying "I'm not accusing anyone of anything" in a message that clearly accuses two people of, at least, joint negligence, except that he seems to have succeeded in bamboozling an experienced advice columnist with that line.

I am fairly sure he would have been at least as angry if he'd gotten back a text with a picture of just the trash can with a note saying "this is used to throw away trash. If you're getting confused, please ask Grandma for a reminder" or "Daddy, if you can't tell a trash can from an automobile, it's time to stop driving." Ditto something like "this is for throwing away trash. I'm nine. Mary's friends don't let me tell them what to do" if the friend is close to the older girl's age, or "I'm not the one who invited another child to come with us" if the friend is closer to nine.

A literal "answer to [his] questions" would be something like "the first one is used for throwing away trash. Yes I would" or "the round one is a picture of a garbage can. The thing with wheels is a car. No, I wouldn't." What he wanted was an apology and promise not to do it again, neither of which he asked for in his "answer my questions, damn it" messages.

The LW says "one of their friends" but with a six-year age gap, it's much more likely to be one sister and her friend, plus the other sister, than someone that they would each want to spend time with if the other wasn't home.

[cereta]

I would pay real money to see his face if he got one of your literal responses.

[conuly]

So many questions. Is there a place to put trash when they're in the car? Why is he allowing them to produce trash if they always do this? Surely it's both easier and more effective to tell them at the start of the ride that they're not allowed to eat (or whatever) in the car, or to tell them at the end of the ride that nobody gets out to go to the movies until all trash is put in the trash bag.

At any rate, passive aggressive notes help nobody.

[jadelennox]

Columnists should never answer letters that include "we have agreed to have you settle this" unless it is clear that the letter was composed by all parties. That letter was clearly not approved by wife, and it includes the line "we have agreed to have you settle this", and thus for Abby to say the LW is owed an apology would be bullshit even if LW were right instead of being a massively confrontational dick.

[shirou]

As someone who would hate having trash left in my car, I can’t imagine handling this via text, much less a passive-aggressive bullshit text like the LW’s. This situation warrants a “hey kids, please remember not to leave trash in the car.” Geez.