Dorothy: Resisting the role of grandma

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: My son's girlfriend of five years and her 8-year-old daughter have been living with my son for the last four years. She has recently started introducing my husband and me as her daughter's "grandparents." Tonight she asked for details about my father so her daughter could include them in a paper she is writing about her "family." The daughter's father and his current wife had twins recently, and I understand from her mother that she is somewhat jealous.

I feel uncomfortable with this new description of our relationship, although I don't want to hurt the girl. Should I say something to my son's girlfriend or my son? -- FAMILY DETAILS IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR FAMILY DETAILS: The word from here is: Keep your lips zipped! If you object, it will cause only hard feelings. You say your son and his girlfriend have been living together for four years. If they should have a child together, do you plan to treat that child differently? Face it, you ARE in the role of a grandparent. My advice is to accept it graciously and act accordingly.

Comments

[cereta]

Most of this, I'm going to kind of see what other people say, because I have complicated experiences on this in about five different directions, both personal and indirect. I wish LW had mused a little on why it makes her uncomfortable (does she not want the official title because she sees it as coming with responsibilities? does she feel like she doesn't have the appropriate feelings, or for that matter, does she really NOT feel much for this child? does she worrying about investing love in a situation in which she could lose the child too easily?), but I tend toward the, "found family, grabby-grabby" reaction, so I'd like to hear from others.

I would like to muse on that sentence, "If they should have a child together, do you plan to treat that child differently?", because boy, have I seen so many letters from different permutations of that situation. Even if there are no indications than another child is forthcoming, it might be a way to shed light on just what bothers her about this situation.

[the_rck]

I'm wondering if, on some level, the response isn't because the son and girlfriend aren't married. For some people, that makes the relationship feel temporary no matter how long it's been going on. Without the formalized connection, the whole thing could vanish abruptly.

That isn't how I'd react, but I have had a lot of experience with loving but temporary relationships because my father never managed a romantic relationship that lasted longer than about seven years. All of those women were wonderful and welcomed me and my sister into their hearts. I have no idea where most of them are today or how I could find any of them (I don't know most of their last names for one thing), but I don't regret loving them. It hurt to lose each of them, but I'm not sorry for having them in my life.

I did, though, warn my half-sister's mother that this would happen. I'm 23 years older than that sister, so I had adult perspective at the point when her mother and our father split up.

I guess I just don't see why something being temporary should mean that it won't be a good thing.

[cereta]

This is very insightful. I can see how it might be a heard perspective to adopt, in fairness, but love can be love, just the same.

[jenett]

I think found family is great. I think found family with one side blindsided by it is not so great. The letter also doesn't say how close they are (physically or otherwise) and maybe there's some complexity there (that if they were treating this as a grandparent relationship, they would do some things differently?)

If I were the writer, I think a "I was a little startled to hear you refer to us as [daughter's] grandparents. I hadn't realised you thought of us that way! And we certainly wouldn't want to take away from her other family members. Can we talk a little about how you see grandparents in your family, and what that means for you, so we can make sure there isn't confusion for little [daughter]?" would be not unreasonable, and let everyone sort out the implications by talking, rather than just naming a new relationship.

[cereta]

That's a good way to put it, I think.