Carolyn Hax: My niece is pregnant and her parents are being supportive

[cereta]

Q: Precocious Niece

So my 16 year old niece, "Susan," is pregnant, and wants to keep the child. My sister, who is 45 years old, has decided that the best path forward is to support this rash decision. My sister also had another child, a 13 year old son, and a husband. They are reasonably comfortable and functional as a family. Since Susan's first communication was that she did not want an abortion or to give the child up for adoption, my sister and her family are basically preparing to raise another child. My sister says that Susan will give birth and then go back to finish high school, and she and her husband will take over caring for this child, as if they were the parents. The plan is that this is just a little detour in Susan's path. In the meantime, they are decorating a nursery, buying baby things, planning a shower, and re-engineering their schedules so that they can care for a newborn. I am appalled that they are being so accommodating to their daughter, whose irresponsible actions has turned their lives upside down. I cannot celebrate this with them, as I am worried about the example Susan is setting for my impressionable daughters. I communicated some of this, more gently of course, to my sister, and her reaction has been to cease communicating with me. How do I restart relations with her family without making it sound like I condone their seemingly cavalier attitude toward their very young daughter's rash behaviors?

A: Carolyn Hax

You were in no position to judge. This is your sister's family, and those family members alone get to decide how they respond to this pregnancy. Whether your opinions and concerns were founded or un-, you seriously overstepped when you laid your daughter-raising conundrum on your sister to help you solve.

Until you see this, I don't see a way forward with your sister--unless she decides to forgive you for her own reasons.

Please look at your language: "just a little detour," "appalled," "accommodating," "sound like I condone," "seemingly cavalier." You are oozing contempt, darn sure you're right and expecting your sister to see that you're right.

So, may I suggest a grrr softener? The baby's coming whether anyone likes it or not; not even a 16-year-old can be ordered by others to abort or adopt; turning the pregnant teenage daughter out on her own is not a solution that tends to end well; the child had no say in his or her conception and will need a capable, loving home.

And, whoopee! the child is apparently going to get that. Maybe you can see this as a love story or lemonade-out-of-lemons story vs just a failure-of-parenting story.

And maybe you can tell your kids you're glad this baby will have a loving home, because being a parent as a teenager is one of the more difficult paths through life that a person can choose. Then let them do the bulk of the talking from there, because listening is the better part of valor with kids.

(Not coincidentally, it tend to preempt attention-seeking choices.)

Comments

[kaberett]

... the answer is very nearly good AND THEN THERE'S THAT FINAL PARENTHETICAL. WHAT. WHAT EVEN.

[cereta]

Yeah, I'm not even sure what she MEANS by that.

[ellen_fremedon]

I think it means that listening tends to preempt attention-seeking, and by implication that the LW should do more of the former and less of the latter? It's not terribly clear, though.

[kaberett]

I strongly suspect that what she means -- and part of the reason it's so baffling is that it's SO AT ODDS with the rest of the letter -- is "if you listen to your kids, they won't SEEK ATTENTION by GETTING PREGNANT at SIXTEEN and INSISTING ON KEEPING THE BABY (clearly your SISTER didn't listen to her DAUGHTER enough)" -- which... just... WHAT.

[vass]

That's how I read it too. :(

[eleanorjane]

I thought it was the opposite - that is, I thought it was coded to look like that, to talk to the LW in language that they'd accept, while actually just being a statement of fact.

[minoanmiss]

This was what I thought too, a way of warning the LW that her attitude may encourage her kids to distrust her and act out rather than trusting and talking to her.

I could be projecting, though.

[cereta]

I was reading through columns as an excuse not to grade, and this one hit me like a punch in the gut.

Today is the day I was born. It is also the day that my birth mother, without ever being given the chance to hold me, placed me for adoption, a decision that I know was...let's say "highly influenced" by her father. I am and always have been happy about where and by whom I was raised, but after learning more about my birth parents, I can't ignore that today is also the anniversary of someone's else's pain. So I confess that I am even less inclined than I normally would be to try to see things from the LW's perspective.

Okay, enough about me.

Back when I still hung out on Booju_newju on LJ, when teen pregnancy came up, there were always a handful of people insisting that their daughter would damn well have and abortion or place the child for adoption. When asked, "and how would you go about enforcing that," things got either vague or scarily authoritarian (like, drag them to the clinic authoritarian), or an assumption that if the daughter had the baby, the parents could place the infant for adoption without their mother's consent. If pressed, eventually some would admit that they would simply throw their daughters out of the house.

I bring this up, because my question is: what does the LW think the parents should have done? The baby is coming. Should it not have a nice room, or be cared for, because of the circumstances of its conception? Should Susan have been thrown out of the house. I mean, the pregnancy has happened. What does LW think her sister should have done? And that's leaving aside the bit about her ow "impressionable daughters," because please.

(Also, go LW's sister for standing her ground and choosing not to deal with the LW's attitude.)

[misbegotten]

LW is a twit. Self-righteousness all over the place.

[vass]

I am and always have been happy about where and by whom I was raised, but after learning more about my birth parents, I can't ignore that today is also the anniversary of someone's else's pain.

That sounds like a complicated way to feel about one's birthday. :/ I'm not sure what would be the appropriate comforting or helpful thing to say here would be, but... turtles?

[cereta]

Turtles are always welcome. I expect I will have more perspective on things in a few years. Right now, it's very new information, you know?

[minoanmiss]

What can I say but, yeah?

(Honeslly, the only reason I want LW's sister's family to have to deal with her is so her own 'impressionable' daughters have more family than just her. LW, your daughters are definitely getting a great impression -- of how you'll choose your ideals over their welfare if they ever make a mistake, and therefore of how they need to not tell you about anything ever.)