Carolyn Hax: Adult Children Don't Want Mom's Boyfriend Around

[cereta]

Dear Carolyn:

I have been divorced 14 years and have two adult children. Recently my children informed me they do not like the man I have been dating for several years and do not want him at family events. Why they do not like him: He is the complete opposite of their father. Also, he is an attorney, so it goes without saying that he is opinionated.

He is willing to listen and does not argue incessantly, but does offer an opinion when one is not asked. I have explained to him that if a person is not seeking his opinion, do not offer one. This is especially a problem with offering parenting opinions to my daughter and son-in-law. It drives them crazy, especially since my boyfriend has no children.

My daughter finally became infuriated after he again told her how to parent, and they had a huge blowout. She wants nothing to do with him. His reaction was no better and he let me know he does not care for either of my children. This makes me sick to my stomach.

I love this man and we have so much fun together, seldom argue, and he treats me so good. My gut tells me to end this relationship because there is nothing more important than my children.

Should I, or am I not thinking rationally?

-- N.

Well this is awkward.

You love him and you have "so much fun together" and your kids are, presumably, out of your day-to-day life. Really this shouldn't even be a question.

But as the disinterested third party you brought in, I feel obligated to point out that your boyfriend's behavior, as you describe it, is that of an utter, presumptuous jerk.

Argumentative? Smug? Boundary-challenged? Openly disrespectful of your guidance not to hector your kids? Check-check-check-check.

You say, "his reaction was no better," as if your daughter's fury and finality were wrong. But if visiting family meant I had someone repeatedly in my face, through roadblocks!, about the single most intimate and challenging and emotionally consuming part of my life -- even someone who was an expert, but especially a spectator -- then my lid would be at critical risk of flipping.

And let's take a moment to gawk at your "goes without saying" remark about lawyers. My kindest, most open-minded friend -- a walking hug of a person (hi N.!) -- is a litigator. The most humane and evolved (hi, M.!)? Also a lawyer. So recognize your comment as the weak excuse it is for your boyfriend's arrogant certainties, and note that explaining and rationalizing are how partners of rude people spend a sad chunk of their time.

Maybe he is lovely to you, of course, while being unlovely to others. Maybe you see a side of him others don't; maybe too, he's shrewd enough to take precautions against total isolation and summon his best for you.

Either way, you have two tough assignments. First: Move past the "what" of the opposing views of this man, and get to the "why." Are you missing something? Are they? Is he?

Second: Figure out whether that matters. You can invest in him, invest in your kids, or choose both and keep them apart. It's your life. See the whole truth of it -- then find the courage to live it.

Comments

[cereta]

I always love it when the person who is trying to present their spouse/SO/partner in the best possible light still makes them sound like a jerk.

I don't think LW needs to dump the jerk if she's happy with him, but she's going to have to accept that he won't be a part of family gatherings.

[fairestcat]

I don't think she needs to dump the jerk, but she does need to sit herself down and have a think about exactly why and to what extent she's willing to overlook his jerkish behaviour.

[conuly]

How is this a grown man, and he hasn't learned the number one rule of life: We all judge other people's parenting constantly, but unless it's a CPS issue literally nobody wants to hear it. (If it is a CPS issue, then CPS wants to hear it and nobody else.)

[lilysea]

I do think there is also a place for saying to [person B]

"This aspect of [person A's] parenting results in their children doing behaviour X, which means I can't have [person A] and their children in my house because it's too stressful"

but that's a fairly specific circumstance.

I have a friend who has a ***very*** Laissez-faire approach to parenting (including outright major safety issues like her very heavy/strong 5 year old trying to jump/stomp up-and-down on her very frail 12 month year old sisters head when the 12 month year old was lying flat on her back on a play mat on a solid wooden floor), and I've never commented to that friend about her parenting style.

I have, however, explained to mutual friends when we're making social plans that I cannot have [friend] and her children in my house, because it's far too stressful and exhausting for me, because [friend] automatically delegates the major physical safety of her children to me and the other adults in the house, without first asking us if we can take that on.

[conuly]

That's also okay. Or if they're venting to you about their kids then it may be the case that you've got advice to give... though you should consider whether or not your advice needs to be prefaced with "Do you want my advice?" and what the fallout will be if they don't like it.

[lilysea]

As a non-parent who never plans to have children, I'm extremely loathe to give ANYONE advice about parenting, ever.

The closest I'll ever come is if someone is venting to me about their kids having a specific issue, I'll say

"I saw a promising-looking new book about [issue] in the local library - would you like me to email you the title/author?"; or

"I heard/read that [action/strategy/resource] helps some parents/kids with [issue]... of course that won't work for everyone"

[jadelennox]

Has Carolyn Hax always been this good? Because every part of this answer is spot-on.

[fairestcat]

I feel like she's always been pretty solid, but has gotten noticeably better of late.

[cereta]

She and Ask Amy both seem to have gotten a shot in the arm lately, although I always liked CH, and have had serious Issues with Amy.

[shirou]

CH is, by far, my favorite columnist. I’ve learned a ton about human nature and dealing with conflict from reading her advice .

[minoanmiss]

This is especially a problem with offering parenting opinions to my daughter and son-in-law. It drives them crazy, especially since my boyfriend has no children.

This is where I hooted aloud..

So I was asking else post about why people often don't like their parents' SOs. I now have a much clearer idea.