Carolyn Hax: Smothered by new boyfriend's physical affection

[cereta]

Dear Carolyn:

My boyfriend is responsible, thoughtful, and very very affectionate -- which is great for the first four hours of hand-holding, but which makes me want to shove him away and shout, "Just leave me alone!" by hour six. Before this, I thought I was a super affectionate person, but, his level of hand-holding, shoulder rubs, "I love you," and constant kisses is leading me to feel smothered and irritable.

We have talked about it some, with me saying I can't handle being touched any more that day, and he's always understanding, and holds back temporarily, but the next day it's back to normal. And I'm getting more and more annoyed by it.

We've only been dating for about two months but knew each other vaguely before we started dating; both are mid-30s with major losses behind us, and generally considered to have our acts together with solid careers and good relationships with family and long-term friends.

I know he's super super super excited about having met me, and when I'm not about to jump into the ocean to avoid being touched, I feel the same way about him. Any advice?

-- Smothered

The reason doesn't matter; what matters is that you have stated your needs and limits, and he has not responded with a sustained adjustment to his behavior. He's not the guy. I'm sorry.

And you're not the person for him, either. I have opinions about so much affection in this new a relationship, as I imagine many others do right now after reading this, but it's actually irrelevant. The mismatch is the thing.

I'm sorry.

Comments

[fairestcat]

That's a much better response than I expected, honestly.

[eleanorjane]

It occurs to me that maybe the LW isn't communicating their feelings clearly?

LW says they're done with touch *for that day*. BF stops, then goes back to touchy next day until asked to stop again. Which he does. I mean, he's doing what they've asked?

I wouldn't throw the whole boyfriend out, myself, until I'd tried saying "look, I *never* want that much touch, can you dial it down across the board please?" and seeing if that works.

[sathari]

"I wouldn't throw the whole boyfriend out, myself, until I'd tried saying "look, I *never* want that much touch, can you dial it down across the board please?" and seeing if that works."

Yeah, a fuller discussion of their overall needs and expectations around touch and affection sounds called for before--- and I love your wording--- throwing the whole boyfriend out.

[rosefox]

If they say it every day, and he doesn't pick up on that, I'm definitely on Team Throw the Whole Boyfriend Away.

[minoanmiss]

He might think LW is variable in her desire for touch, though, or has a daily limit that resets? I think maybe one more try at communication, but I'm also suspecting a mismatch just as Carolyn Has did.

[ambyr]

I would be the boyfriend in this scenario, and yes: sometimes it’s not about being able to explain things the “right” way and it’s not about one party or the other being wrong, it is just a fundamental incompatibility.