Carolyn Hax: Relevant to Our Times

[cereta]

Q: Boyfriend unwelcome in my parents' home

Dear Carolyn, My boyfriend blew it when he met my parents earlier this year. My dad is disabled and has not worked for a few years, and my boyfriend made a comment basically implying that only lazy people collect disability checks (which I do not agree with but see as a valid expression of my boyfriend's values, just one he should not have expressed out loud to someone who does collect disability). My dad did not make a big deal at the time, but he told me (privately, later) that my boyfriend is not welcome in his home for now. He has declined a couple of opportunities since then for us all to get together, and his message is clear: He isn't going to stand in the way of my relationship, but he isn't going to willingly spend time around my boyfriend, either. It is sad but manageable most of the year. However, I am wondering how to approach the upcoming holidays. I am invited to my boyfriend's family's house, but I would be sad not to see my own family at all. I believe that this problem would be fixed if my boyfriend would apologize straight-on for his comment, but he will not--the most he will say is that it was a poor choice of words, but he stands behind the values themselves.

A: Carolyn Hax

Your boyfriend's values and attitude suck. Isn't that the real problem here? That, and your staying with him despite having full awareness of--and objecting to--who he is? That you "blew it" in choosing a mate?

And since when is it healthy to dislike someone's beliefs but be okay with that as long as he hides those beliefs from certain people you would prefer didn't know him for who he really is and what he really believes?

You've got some stuff to own here. A lot. The boyfriend-said-mean-things-out-loud-to-my-dad issue is just a symptom.

Please choose people whose values you respect enough to want them spoken aloud. Then watch this whole problem unmagically go away.

Comments

[lilysea]

Considering how INCREDIBLY difficult it is to prove eligibility for Disability benefits (multiple expert reports, immense hoop jumping, often get turned down and have to appeal with the help of a lawyer)

I am 100% #TeamDad on this one.

Australia recently started investigating people receiving the Disability Pension with the aim of disqualifying as many recipients as possible - they stopped when they found that ***LESS THAN 2%*** of people receiving benefits didn't meet the criteria.

[cereta]

Oh, yeah. I've watched a number of people go through the process, and there's no question that they (a) make it harder than it needs to be on purpose, and (b) routinely deny people who qualify just to save money.

And I'm going to save that stat for the next time one of my students starts on the "people on disability who are gaming the system."

[cereta]

A. What Carolyn said.

B. I remember in the lead-up to 2016, people talking a LOT about, "I can still be your friend, even if I think your vote is going to destroy our country." At the time, I really struggled to express why I had a problem with that in general, and I think this letter gets at why. I have friends whose political views are very different from mine, and sometimes I struggle with that, but LW's statement that her boyfriend's comment is something that "I do not agree with but see as a valid expression of my boyfriend's values" makes me wonder what it would take for her to actually be bothered by something boyfriend believed/said, not just the context in which he said it.

Kudos to dad for sticking to his guns, btw. I think he's handling this about as well as it can be handled.

[minoanmiss]

Dear LW: You know how they say that one should never be a cheater's mistress, because once he leaves his previous relationship he will cheat on you too? Your boyfriend gave you a glimpse of his sense of compassion, or rather, the void where it should be. Aside of moral and ethical considerations (of which there are soooo many), consider the practical one that one day he's going to turn this attitude on you.

Dear LW's father: you handled that malarkey with grace. I am impressed, sir.

Dear boyfriend: I'm not going to argue with you about your asinine beliefs, but simply as a matter of practicality, consider apologizing for the sake of not keeping your girlfriend in the middle of a fight. TBH, she should have dumped you because you are a bigoted jerk, but since for some reason she hasn't, mend fences and just say "I am sorry". You can swallow a little pride for the sake of someone you allegedly love, assuming you're capable of it.

[xenacryst]

There are some things we can agree to disagree on, based on what our starting points are, without heading into "at core, you're an asshole" territory - like, say, the best way to address homelessness based on whether you're religious or not. Vilifying an entire class of people based on your values isn't one of them. LW, you're dating an asshole, and you're enabling that at the cost of your relationship with your father. Also, this problem won't be fixed by just an apology. An apology would help, but your boyfriend is still an asshole, unless that apology comes from a core reorientation of his values and an understanding of just what he's done.

LW's father: I feel your pain. I don't know what I'd do if, a few years down the road, I came to understand that my kid was dating an asshole, and seemed intent on carrying on that way.

[ayebydan]

Ditch your boyfriend and be glad your dad reacted as chill as he did. Wow.