Dear Annie: Violated by Husband's Friend

[cereta]

Dear Annie: My family (my husband, our young kids and I) vacations with two other families once or twice a year. My husband went to school with the other two husbands, and they are best friends. I have developed great friendships with their wives, and our kids are all similar ages and get along.

We have a great time, but one of the husbands always finds a way to make me uncomfortable. During our most recent vacation, while we were saying our goodbyes and loading up the cars, he grabbed my breast as he pulled me in for a hug. I was stunned and immediately pulled away. He quickly turned around and went on to hug everyone else as if nothing had happened. I debated whether to say anything, but I let it go. However, this violation keeps eating at me. (The other time he made me feel uncomfortable was when the adults had all met up for a long weekend. While dancing at a concert, he came up behind me and starting grinding against me. I thought he was joking and laughed at him, but he continued until I left the dance floor. He did this when his wife had gone to the bathroom and my husband was getting drinks, so I think it was purposeful.)

If I told my husband, I'm sure he would cut off his friendship with this guy. I'm torn because I would hate to see my husband lose one of his good friends and for us to lose out on these otherwise great vacations.

I backed out of the most recent adult vacation (claiming our baby sitter had bailed) because I just wanted to avoid this guy. Yet in the wake of the #MeToo movement, why should I miss out on vacation time when it's this guy who is making me feel uncomfortable? I share everything with my husband, so keeping this from him is making me feel awkward.

Should I forgive these transgressions and keep them to myself or find a way to tell the guy to knock it off or let my husband know what's going on? -- Quiet for Now

Dear Quiet for Now: It's not your job to protect this predator. Whatever fallout comes is what he's got coming to him. He's repeatedly made very conscious, calculated decisions to violate you. Our actions have consequences, and he is no exception. Tell your husband what's up, and don't worry about his losing a "good friend." This man was never a good friend.

Comments

[cereta]

Okay, in no particular order:

1. I am 100% confident that my spouse would want to know if one of his friends did this, and that he would drop that friend like a hot potato and be glad to. Sure, it sucks finding out that a friend is not who you thought they were, but better that than not knowing that your friend is a sexual predator.

2. A lot of the comments at Arcamax came down to, "If he does it again..." Screw that. This man does not deserve a third chance to sexually assault the LW.

3. Even if I wouldn't refuse to be around him for my own sake (and I would; I've been groped enough, thank you), there is frellakking way this guy gets to be around my daughter. Or my son, if I had one.

[conuly]

2. A lot of the comments at Arcamax came down to, "If he does it again..." Screw that. This man does not deserve a third chance to sexually assault the LW.

Really, twice wasn't enough? It's a sad enough response on the first time, but....

[cereta]

Yah. There's always going to be people who believe that if you just respond correctly to a sexual predator, whether it's physical violence, saying the right words, or ignoring them, they'll stop their behavior. And we know, we know that's not how it works.

[xenacryst]

If there's a third time? Oh, come on now, we know there will be a third time if nothing changes. And a fourth and a fifth and worse. Drop this guy now.

[jadelennox]

I would be beyond ashamed if I found out one of my friends had been sexually abusing my partner and they didn't feel like they could tell me. It sounds like LW trusts Husband, so, they need to tell Husband!

Also, missing stair, much? It's unlikely that LW is the only one getting this.

[malnpudl]

Also, missing stair, much? It's unlikely that LW is the only one getting this.

That was my thought, too.

[misbegotten]

Silence is this guy's ammunition. Don't give it to him, LW.

If her husband doesn't drop the guy as a friend... well, YUCK.

[cereta]

If her husband doesn't drop the guy as a friend... well, YUCK.

Seriously, that would elicit a much stronger response for me than just staying home from a vacation.