Carolyn Hax: Please Stop Rubbing My Leg

[cereta]

Hi, Carolyn:

I was recently out to dinner to celebrate with a close friend who has been treated for breast cancer and has received a clean bill of health. She included her live-in boyfriend in the celebration.

I noticed he was bumping my leg. I simply moved out of way the first and second times. After the third bump, I realized he was intentionally rubbing my leg. I had to move about five times.

I have socialized with the two of them on many occasions and frankly do not have a good impression of him in general. I believe my friend deserves better, but have kept my mouth shut because it's not up to me to comment on her choice of a partner. If it works for her, then I respect that.

But his behavior with me at dinner was personal and therefore has crossed a line with me. I want to tell my friend what happened, but not after she's gone through such a traumatic experience. But I feel keeping silent is a tacit way of protecting him. Should I tell my friend what happened?

-- J.

"Please stop rubbing my leg."

That's what you say. Out loud, at the table, in front of your friend.

No time travel necessary; if he's as bad as you say, then he'll do this or something like it again next time you see them.

The beauty is that "Please stop rubbing my leg" bypasses the whole mental back and forth about your responsibility with respect to your friend's choices -- because "Please stop rubbing my leg" is about your body right now, that's it, and is entirely your responsibility.

You also don't "ha[ve] to move about five times" to help conceal anyone's bad behavior, for anyone. Your friend beat cancer; she'll manage this.

If he responds by feigning ignorance or blaming you, then you stand your ground quietly, calmly and without apology. "Say what you will. I just want you to stop rubbing my leg." Simply leaving also makes a powerful statement.

It just so happens that doing what you need for you will give your friend all the information she needs to make her own decisions -- but that's the bonus, not the point.

Comments

[watersword]

Okay, yes, ideally the LW would have called out the behavior as it was happening, but the LW froze, as many people do, when faced with behavior that violates the social contract. What do they do now, Carolyn Hax? Answer the damn question you have been asked, which does not include time travel.

[eleanorjane]

Yeah, this.

And even if the LW didn't freeze, next time, maybe they're just not comfortable calling someone out in public.

This advice is so tone deaf and unsympathetic. Grrrrr.

[cereta]

Yes. Seriously, there are so many people on Arcamax chiding the LW for not speaking up then, and it is burning a hole in my gut. I mean, I would love to say that I would speak up, loudly, right away! but I would find that hard enough if I were just out with a friend and her husband for a simple dinner (a childhood full of being told I was too forward and made too big a deal out of things is taking a lifetime to undo). But in that situation? When we're celebrating her surviving cancer? That's an awful lot of situational pressure to smile and squirm away silently, which I'm sure the groper took full advantage of.

[kiezh]

So the advice is... put yourself in a position to be sexually harassed again, so you can respond to it immediately and forcefully, like a Proper Empowered Person? That's really gross.

My advice would be, next time LW is planning social time with their friend, say "Can it just be us? I'm not comfortable socializing with your boyfriend." and when asked, "He was really touchy-feely last time we hung out together. I kept moving away and he kept moving back in to stay in contact. I'm very uncomfortable with feeling like I'm being physically pursued while I'm trying to chat with you."

So yes, tell her, and frame it in terms of LW not wanting to hang out with him. Which is true. What she does after that is her call, and hopefully as a close friend she will care about LW having a good time when they're together and not insist on Groping Guy being a part of it.

[cereta]

So the advice is... put yourself in a position to be sexually harassed again, so you can respond to it immediately and forcefully, like a Proper Empowered Person? That's really gross.

I noticed that, yes.

[minoanmiss]

how can I hire Alex Hardison to transfer Carolyn Haz's pay to your bank account? You deserve it for giving actual advice.

ET actually make my joke work.