Carolyn Hax: I'm not homophic, BUT

[cereta]

Dear Carolyn:
I don't want my 6-year-old son going over to his friend's house to play because the friend's parents are gay. I am not homophobic and have nothing against gay people -- I just don't want my son exposed to this unfamiliar lifestyle at such a young age. I just think he's too young to understand. If he was older, it would be different.

We've had my son's friend over to play several times already, and it's getting awkward not sending our son over there. How can I explain my feelings without making it seem like I'm homophobic or without offending my son's friend's very nice parents?
-- Wanting to be tactful

Why does he have to understand? Or, more specifically, what is there for him to understand at this stage beyond, two people who love each other have created a home together? If he really presses you on it, you can point out that the majority of couples are male plus female, but like anything else, it's normal to have some common things (like brown hair) and variations (red hair). Sexuality is no different -- though "sexuality" is my word for you. For your son, all you need is "couples," or "families."

Meanwhile, the best way not to "seem" homophobic is not to be homophobic. Keeping your child away from his friend's home because his parents are gay is a homophobic choice: You're treating this couple as an undesirable "other." The best thing you can do for when your son is older is treat this very nice family, now, as you would any other very nice family.

Also, not for nothing, I have a hard time believing your son, at 6, isn't already fully aware that his friend has two mommies/daddies. My kids were on to that well before age 6, and were naturally accepting of it. Kids are open to the world as it's presented to them; it's adults who teach them to start filtering it all in arbitrary ways.

Comments

[katarik]

wow. that is totally better advice than i thought was going to be given. ten points, carolyn hax.

[cereta]

I'd say I have nothing to add (although I think the response is spot-on), except to say that I think the, "they're just not old enough to understand" thing is utterly ridiculous. Children can at times be very rigid in their understanding of the world, because the over-apply the patterns most familiar to them, but for the most part, they accept what they are presented with as normal. I remember at my sister's wedding, my then-eight-year-old niece (who was the flower girl) earnestly explained that she'd had to be the flower girl at my wedding and her other aunt's, because we didn't have little girls. For her, it was normal that the bride's daughter would be her flower girl, just as it was normal for her that her parents didn't live together.

The kid understanding is really not the problem.

[redbird]

Carolyn Hax is pretty sensible about a lot of things (though IIRC she assumes monogamy is the One Right Way, at least in committed relationships—but I wouldn't have much left to read if I eliminated people for that viewpoint).

[softestbullet]

Meanwhile, the best way not to "seem" homophobic is not to be homophobic.

FOR REAL.

I always liked her.

[minoanmiss]

holy crap, that was solid and sensible and heartening!