Dear Carolyn: My son's in-laws help him financially. Is this generation spoiled or what?

[cereta]

Dear Carolyn: My kids are 30, 28 and 25. All of them are out of college and on their own. We paid their tuitions, but room and board was on them, so they had some student loans.

My oldest son got married two years ago, and her family is helping them out a lot, even though they both have professional jobs. When her grandmother died, her parents paid off all their student loans. They also handed down an almost brand-new car because nobody else in the family wanted it. He just told me they are all taking a weeklong vacation out of the country next Christmas, hosted by his in-laws.

This level of support makes me uncomfortable. What ever happened to adults being adults and paying their own way? I brought this up to my best friend, and she said that as long as the parents could afford it and wanted to be generous, what’s the problem? It stumped me for a bit.

I know this isn’t directly my business. But it makes me uncomfortable that my son has so much of his life taken care of by other people when he is 30 with an education and a job. Do I need to just accept that this generation’s adults are not really adults?

Helping Adult Children

Helping Adult Children: Really? One windfall and an entire generation earns your contempt? Wow.

By my count, at least two of the three financial boosts your son got are one-off opportunities: the student-loan-erasing inheritance and the hand-me-down car. I’m with your best friend on these. They could do it, so why not?

And while your son is an individual, not a stand-in for an entire generation — if I assume correctly that you’re a baby boomer, then you really don’t want to go there — the fact that your kids’ cohort is staggering under education debt unlike any generation prior makes his in-laws look like guardian angels.

As for the trip, I see why you’d balk. Their making a tradition of it would cut you out of Christmases with your son; their shifting these trips around the calendar would make your turns to host this couple seem plain by comparison; their chewing up his vacation days with irresistible opportunities would leave fewer days for you. These are valid concerns of many.

But I can — and do, in many other letters — also see that grown families tend to be scattered, tightly scheduled and financially taxed, especially the young adults. One way people counteract these family-dividing forces is to plan and (where possible) underwrite all-family trips. It’s a luxury, yes, but a loving and unifying one. I’ll offer it to my kids if I’m able, and if their gratitude meters aren’t broken. And I’ll do it without fear of stunting them because the other 51 weeks of the year will still be theirs to navigate, bankroll and plan.

So please ask yourself, are your in-laws spoiling this couple, or just making their climb less steep? Does that hurt them? Does it hurt you? Think hard on the last one. The in-laws as (or seeming like) “party parents” while you hold a firm line can feel a lot like a rebuke. Absent signs of spoilage, though, consider not seeing it as personal — and be glad they’ve welcomed your kid.


*Hey, it gives me anxiety.

Comments

[cereta]

Okay, let's break this down:

1. Although I realize that the LW might be only slightly older than me, which makes calling her/him a Boomer chancy, but THANK GOD someone called the Boomers (well, some of them) or their superiority complex. I could go on about this for hours, but as someone on the upper edge of Gen X, it irritates me to no end.

2. That said, Carolyn's point about crushing student loan debt and other economic realities that the LW may never have faced is also a good one.

3. As a friend of mine is fond of saying, if you're going to leave them the money later anyway, why not spend it helping them now when they could really use/appreciate it? Obviously, if you don't have the money, it's one thing, but if you have it, why not make your daughter's family a little more secure by paying off her spouse's debt? Why not give a daughter a car when you really don't need the trade-in? Hell, I know people who would be down on the LW for paying college tuition. Think how strange you would find that. That's how bizarre I find your attitude.

4. Oh, and one last thing: on behalf of someone just a little older than the generation you disparage, and as someone who just paid a large student loan payment: fuck you.

[jadelennox]

Plus a million to all four of these.

(And yeah, my parents paid my upfront tuition, but all the loans and ridiculous work study load were mine, and they made it clear I should count myself lucky for that much. They *were* down on parents who paid 100% of tuition.)

[zulu]

Man, sign me up to live in that family!

We received financial help from my in-laws while I was on maternity leave. It meant I could be on maternity leave for the full year, and that didn't just make a difference for us, but in the care, attachment, development, etc. of our son! So, y'know, LW, your grandchildren benefit too, if that helps.

[eleanorjane]

JFC.

This one's a bit close to home for me. My cousin - maybe five years older than me? - was struggling in his late 30s with financial pressures. He was a teacher with a wife and two young kids and a big mortgage and a whole shitton of stress. He asked his parents for financial help (and let's be clear, they could definitely have afforded to help him out considerably) and his father said no, for the same sorts of reasons as are motivating this LW - 'have to stand on your own two feet', etc etc.

Not too long afterwards, my cousin died of a massive heart attack, at age 40.

His father has never forgiven himself for saying no, and the unresolved "what if I'd said yes? would my son be alive today?" grief has eaten up his life.

The LW is lucky that they'll never have to feel that way, because at least their son's in-laws are there to help, even if LW isn't.

[jadelennox]

Christ. I'm so, so, sorry. And his poor dad, jesus.

[recessional]

Dear LW:

You are literally getting your panties in a twist because your daughter-in-law's parents are being kind and generous, unprompted, to your son.

This makes you look like a controlling duck's arse, a miser, and a snot; it does not make you look virtuous.

I would take issue with the total ahistoricity of your weird claims about "adults being adults" and "paying their own way" as synonyms, but honestly, why bother? The real issue here is that for some reason you want to deny your son good things and freely offered gifts. You want his life to be less happy and less comfortable.

Your son has a professional job. You literally say that. So he's got the basics of life sorted out and clearly hasn't suffered from "never figured out how to live his own life". He's also thirty fucking years old. But for some reason you would still prefer he suffer than be given help by those who can afford it.

(Not to mention the fact that they gave THEIR daughter a car, and are taking THEIR daughter with THEM on holiday, which is generally speaking the kind of thing parents like to do with their children assuming their relationship is half-decent. And frankly they were probably looking to make THEIR child's life less stressful with the student-loan coverage, too.)

I can only hope that the reason you're uncomfortable is that it highlights the part where compared to their generosity, you come off looking like a tight-fisted jerk.

[watersword]

Oh thank goodness, you wrote this comment so I don't have to.

[recessional]

I just keep thinking there is profound emotional . . . weirdness/wrongness/truncatedness here. To be fair I find that often with people, but, like.

Does the state of the LW's son not . . .affect them? Like does his happiness not make them happy? Does his stress not stress them out? Do they have no kind of caring sympathy?

Like why would you NOT take a financial burden (or any other kind, but those are usually the ones that someone else CAN do anything about) off someone you loved if you could? Would this not make YOU feel better? The LW even outright says that the in-laws passed the car down because NOBODY ELSE WANTED IT - what, should they have given it to a stranger? sold it for second-hand money they clearly didn't care that much about?

Like . . . what? It's very difficult to make LW's stance make sense for anything other than a) an asshole, or b) someone who is so screwed up in terms of emotional issues about worth and money and "independence" that it's making them ACT like an asshole even if they mean well.

Humans. Wtf.

[sathari]

AAAAAUUUUUUGH, YES, THIS. Your above comment, and also this!

(And also echoing watersword: I am so glad you wrote these comments so I don't have to.

About the only thing I could add is, is LW afraid that the in-laws' generosity will make their son like the in-laws better or something? Because... well, as you said, LW sounds like either an asshole, or someone whose perceptions and cognitions around money and value and "independence" are messed up that they act that way without meaning to.

[recessional]

It's like. There is a valid level to be concerned about an adult child's comparative inability to manage their own life etc etc. But it's not like this guy - from the sound of it - is drowning in credit-card debt and doesn't keep his house clean and can't get a job and is genuinely living on handouts that reinforce his learned helplessness! So we are not at that level! So why the hell are you OBJECTING to your child being granted happiness?

HUMANS.

[watersword]

I know -- it's such a perfect mimicry of the dumbass thinkpiece about The Millennials Why Don't They Own Cars And Houses By Twenty-Five that I honestly can't quite believe it's not a troll. And yet.

There has GOT to be something missing from this story.

[cereta]

It reminds me of the father who wanted his son's girlfriend's dad to kick him out of the house (so he would learn a lesson about the real world. Just...seriously, how can you be upset that something nice happened to your son?

[minoanmiss]

I'm so glad LW's son married into a kind family. With a parent like LW it sounds like he can use it.

[sathari]

YES THIS. Is is bad that I am wishing LW's son many happy peaceful nonjudgmental comfy vacations, regardless of cost or location, with his new in-laws?

[recessional]

It's definitely not the LW because the genders are swapped and there's no car, but I know a couple with a very similar dynamic and I hope his in-laws are all around great people and he can experience it like the balm Person I Know does.

[grammarwoman]

UGH. My parents are boomers, and used to be the tightest-assed people with money, even when they were both working full-time. Then I met my in-laws (just a bit older than boomers), who are freaking farmers with five kids, and they've been nothing but generous, giving us a big loan when we needed it and paying for home improvements that would have been a struggle for us to afford. My parents have loosened up a bit, thank goodness, but I still remember the financial struggles I had with them.

LW can take their snide attitude and sit home alone in the dark, wondering why their son never calls.

[xenacryst]

I paid off my spouse's student loans early on in our relationship... partly because it was a nice act of generosity, partly because I could, but I think what really motivated me was because I knew both of us would be much less stressed about it if we could get that out of the way. Yeah, I could have chosen to save those shekels for a rainy day, but when it could make some difference to the quality of our lives right then, why not do that?

Frankly, that attitude is only a slight shade off of the whole "we shouldn't have welfare" attitude.