Carolyn Hax: Principle or Specific? A question of names

[cereta]

Hi, Carolyn: I've got a problem with my fiance and partner of 4 1/2 years.

The good: He’s brilliant, creatively resourceful, outgoing, easy to talk to, wonderful at supporting me with my health issues, and aligns with me on so many of the big-picture goals that really matter. Kids, money, sex, family, etc. The bad: He’s stubborn, opinionated yet strongly influenced by the opinions of others, and sometimes unable to empathize. I’m no doctor, but we both believe he may have a touch of narcissism.

The problem we’re having is about my name. I’m just not sure I’m comfortable assuming his name, I don’t like hyphenation, and I don’t want to lose my middle name (which holds a ton of family history) by putting my maiden name there. I’m also a feminist and don’t think I like the tradition I would be supporting by doing this.

My understanding after several unsuccessful talks is that it matters to him because it matters to his family and society as a whole. I want to value what matters to him, but admittedly I struggle to not see that as a really stupid motivator. He is unwilling to change HIS name in any way, and refuses to even discuss alternate ways we could satisfy his needs here.

Last week we had our biggest fight yet about this. His demeanor was the embodiment of every unattractive quality within him, and none of the good. He told me that I WOULD take his name one way or another and that he wouldn’t discuss it further. This is not the way we speak to each other.

He had a real chance of talking me into it if he had come to me thoughtfully and lovingly and stated his case. But he went as far as to imply that he would not marry me unless I caved on this. (Note: Children are not in our future.)

His whole handling of this argument is making me think maybe this is a mistake. I mean, this is MARRIAGE we’re heading for. We’re planning a WEDDING. I’m feeling bullied and totally misunderstood and disrespected. We’ve been through some major trials, but we’ve never been so unable to communicate. This fight really scares me. Meanwhile, we have appointments with caterers and photographers coming up and I don’t know if we should cancel this whole thing or what. What are your thoughts?

What’s in a Name?

~~~
A “touch of narcissism” = only somewhat impressed with oneself?

I keep starting answers that break this issue down to its component parts, such as this false start: “His good traits seem to make him entertaining to know while the bad ones make him hell to live with.” Or, “This issue alone has foiled you because it’s one on which you’re both emotional and deeply invested, so you can’t fall back on having one of you (as in, you?) just care less about it than the other.” Or, “Your equivocation — ‘I’m just not sure,’ I ‘don’t think I like,’ ‘I struggle to not see that as . . . really stupid’ — leaves you particularly vulnerable to someone stubborn, opinionated and/or narcissistic.”

Or just, “Cancel or postpone every distraction — caterers, photographers, even the name argument — so you can bring a clear mind to the question of whether you’re making a mistake.”

But every time I start one of these answers, this thought overtakes it: You’ve got your hand on the doorknob, poised to exit a relationship with someone who behaves badly enough for the word “narcissist” to be in play. Can I in good conscience suggest anything, even a thought exercise or schedule adjustment, that might keep you inside?

You don’t need a medical degree or diagnosis here. If you’ve been fair in your depiction of what you’ve witnessed over the past five-ish years — that, for whatever reason, your fiance is either unwilling or unable to put anyone’s interests above his own — then you know exactly what you’re signing up for with this marriage.

So is this what you want, yes or no? How people in such a marriage would answer this question, I know without knowing — but you need to come to it on your own.

Comments

[recessional]

Run, LW. Run far, run fast.

[kaberett]

Yeaaaaaaaaaaah.

[cereta]

I know that I have strong feelings on this, but it seems to me that there are two issues, here.

1. The (relatively) genderless issue of one partner demanding a sacrifice on the part of the other while being unwilling to give anything in return. I understand that there are things everyone feels strongly enough that they simply cannot budge; I was much like the LW in that I was not willing to change my name in any way, even when then-fiance offered to hyphenate as well. I had recently paid a chunk of money to change my middle name and didn't want it to be lost in a hyphenate last name. However, I think there's a difference between taking a stand about *yourself* and unequivocally demanding something of someone else.

2. That said, you cannot separate gender from this. At the go, a man making an unequivocal demand of his future wife is different from said future wife taking a stand about herself; even if you remove the nature of this topic, the fiance's behavior reeks of male privilege. Add in the nature of what he is demanding and why - a tradition that implies a transfer of ownership from father to husband, carried out in this case for the sake of said tradition and to please his family - and you have a pretty strong indicator of a man who is not going to respect or compromise on the LW's feminist values. And this is about the LW, to say nothing of what happens if they have a daughter.

(Note: before anyone says it, I...actually, I am not sure there are reasons for really wanting a wife to change her name that aren't at least a little patriarchal - even if what you want is for the family to have one name, why the husband's? - but I will at least agree to disagree about that one. However, this is clearly NOT one of those situations. My reaction is about THIS situation, so I really don't need to hear about why you changed your name. Okay, that sounds snottier than I intend, but I hope you take my meaning: my reaction is about this situation, not anyone else's.)

Shorter answer: DTMF, LW. Just dump him and get the hell out.

[naath]

There are reasons to want the *same* name of course. And there are reasons to prefer one to the other - like "he has a nicer name" or "my father was an abusive jerk and I hate his name" but those surely apply to some men as much as they apply to some women.

And whatever his reasoning on this, it just isn't right to try to force her to do something she clearly does not want to do. Advancing some persuasive arguments would be reasonable, threats are not.

(however I have two middle names and I know people with more, if a person wanted to have their maiden name as a middle name that does not mean having to do away with existing middle names! I don't know where people get this notion that you must have exactly three names from, but it's very odd)

[inlovewithnight]

The fact that this is giving her misgivings about the wedding is its own answer. Her gut is talking. Listen to it, LW, listen to it and get out of there.

[vass]

Run, LW.

I wonder if this is the first time she ever refused to give in. I also wonder what "one way or another" means. She could just mean he's insisting she either hyphenate or give up her own name altogether, but it sounds really sinister, like if she doesn't willingly change her name he'll use force.

The equivocations suggest to me that she's really convinced everything she says is likely to be attacked or contradicted. She sounds scared.

[amadi]

Get out, get out quick. She knows that's the answer, though, and wanted someone "objective" to tell her so, and Carolyn didn't. I wish she'd been direct about it. This lady has done her soul searching, she needed someone else to put voice to what she has already decided.