Dear Prudence: Should I Challenge A Woman Who Implied I Was Racist?

[minoanmiss]

Q. Retort to a rude comment:I asked a familiar-looking, elegant woman at the gym if her name was Maria, an old and well-liked acquaintance I had not seen for years. I am a white woman, the person I asked was Hispanic. She replied, “No, my name is Vangie. We all look alike.” I was PO’d, and I want to challenge her regarding all the assumptions she engaged in when making that reply next time I see her. Should I just let it drop?

A: Buddy. Guy. Chief. Do not compound your rudeness by “challenging” this woman for telling you her real name. The person who made assumptions here was you. The person who was rude was you. (If you’re that unsure whether your elegant gym compatriot is a total stranger or an old acquaintance, try “I’m so sorry, but you look familiar to me—is it possible that we’ve met somewhere?” rather than “Hey, you seem elegant. Are you Maria?”) You got caught looking foolish and low-key racist, and now you’re embarrassed, and you want to blame the other woman for your feelings; just acknowledge that you messed up, and don’t start a fight with another member of your gym because she wasn’t willing to pretend to be someone you knew once in order to help you save face.

Comments

Today in White fragility

[minoanmiss]

I was going to write a long essay. Then I was going to write a sarcastic Bad Advice to the LW.

But I think I'll just say that I have been in Vangie's position, complete with being yelled at in a public place by a large angry White boy for "calling me a racist" when I exasperatedly gave Vangie's response (being called someone else's name for YEARS can do that), so, yeah, you can probably imagine what I think.

When LW inevitably went to go Tell Vangie Off For Forgetting Her Place I hope Vangie was able to get them kicked out .

[harpers_child]

As a white lady myself, why is so hard for white people to remember basic manners? You made the mistake. Apologize and move on in life. Being accidentally racist when you're trying to do better is embarrassing and uncomfortable. That's a you problem. Other people aren't responsible for your feelings. You have to deal with them yourself. Preferably without having a public meltdown like an overstimulated toddler.

[petra]

I like the advice-giver's advice. The LW needs to learn the strategies adopted by the faceblind and accept that her question was an aggression.

[conuly]

Well, LW, I wasn't 100% certain that you were racist until I saw your final two sentences....

[mommy]

"Challenge her regarding all the assumptions she engaged in"? LW sure is making a lot of assumptions of their own, here.

[tielan]

I...do not understand why she led with the name.

Vangie's comment is understandable. And how LW responds next is how LW shows that she's not racist. She takes it on the chin, accepts that she hit someone's nerve, and then doesn't keep aggravating the nerve by trying to be the good guy in the scenario.

[lilysea]

Woah, LW, no!

I am so terrible with names and faces [for face to face people, for some weird reason I'm great with actors on film/TV. I think it might be because eye contact with face to face people can be distressing for me?]

that I have REPEATEDLY mixed up the names
of a very short Latinix man with long dark curly hair and brown eyes
with a very tall pale German man with short blonde hair and blue eyes

[I accidentally kept calling the Latinix man by the German man's name and vice versa]

You APOLOGISE!

If you are terrible with names, say that too

but APOLOGISE.

Also, if you confuse two people people of colour please say "I'm sorry, that must be so annoying/irritating for you"

when I was 17 or 18 I once confused the name of two Asian men from a science fiction club I was in at university when startled by one while walking deep in my thoughts reading a book

and after I called him the wrong name he said, half-annoyed and half-teasing "we all look the same to you, right?"

and I was so embarrassed I wanted to lift one of the footpath slabs of concrete and crawl under it

blushing furiously, I stammered something about how it wasn't that, I was genuinely terrible with faces - but I don't think he believed me, and I think I just made it worse

if I could redo that moment I would say something like

"I'm really sorry, that must have been so annoying, I apologise"

[cimorene]

I'm chuckling a little imagining how LW thinks they were going to 'correct' this assumption though. "I didn't think you were Maria for a RACIST reason like thinking you all look alike, I just mistook you for another woman who is also latina, but not because ALL latin people look alike, it's just YOU look like HER, because you're elegant. And I like her!"

[ysobel]

"It's not racist if it's a ~compliment~!"

[minoanmiss]

ahahahahahahhaahhahahaahahha wheeze