Care & Feeding: My Racist Childhood Bully Now Teaches at a Nearby School

[minoanmiss]

In the 1980s and 1990s, my family lived in a larger town near the south. On the first day of school, “Lisa” saw my family and me, and we hit the trifecta of racism for her: dark skin, “weird” last name, and “ugly” hair. From then on, she made my life hell.

Lisa would bully anyone who was nice to me. She told kids I smelled because my family had dark skin and that if anyone hung out with me, their skin would go dark too. I tried to avoid her, but she targeted me on a daily basis for years. I hated school and cried almost every day.

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The school was no help because Lisa was white and would deny everything or act like she didn’t know me. She faced no consequences or, if she did, they weren’t effective. We eventually moved, and I hadn’t thought about her until now.

I found out Lisa is an elementary school teacher nearby, and I want to alert her school board. Everything I said here is accurate so I’m not worried about slander or libel. I’m not scared of her anymore.

I’m not suggesting Lisa wear a hairshirt forever, and I have no idea what she’s like now. She could be a great teacher. But Lisa teaches the same grade level where she exerted the bulk of her abuse. She was a bigot from a very young age, knowing how to expertly use grown-up, pejorative insults. She had no fear of getting in trouble. As we’ve seen from high profile adults today, bad behavior often starts young. I agonize over her minority students. It’s no different than having a history of violence or sexual harassment.

I don’t want anything from the school system except their acknowledgement of my experience with Lisa and a promise to keep an eye on her students. I’m going to forge ahead, but I want to make sure I’m doing this right. What can I expect? Do schools even care about stuff like this? Would schools even want to know? What will they ask?

Maybe there’d be a lot less hatred in this country if more people stood up to it.

–Racist Bully, Racist Teacher?

Dear RBRT,

I’m so sorry about the years of racist abuse you suffered. I’m sorry about how it affected your childhood and your education, I’m sorry you weren’t believed, and I’m sorry you never felt any sense of restitution or justice. In thinking about the path forward you’ve outlined here, it sounds like you’re hoping for two things: the opportunity to potentially protect the wellbeing of Lisa’s students, and a measure of recognition and closure for the wrongs she inflicted on you in the past. You may be able to accomplish the former, but unfortunately, I don’t think you’ll get much satisfaction on the latter. That’s not to say you shouldn’t communicate to Lisa’s supervisors, but you asked what to expect, and I want to help you prepare for what I think will be the most likely outcome of your disclosure.

First, some advice on the process. You said you plan to alert her school board; I would not start there. School board meetings are highly routinized proceedings with a pre-set agenda, and while there is always time included to receive comments from the community, most boards have policies specifically prohibiting the public discussion of individual personnel. Even if this board does not, and you were able to share your concerns in person or via letter, they would not be met with the dialogue it sounds like you’re hoping for; addressing the board is more a matter of stating your perspective as a matter of public record, rather than holding a conversation.

Instead, I’d ask for a phone call or a meeting with the principal of the school. I’d frame the discussion by first acknowledging that the experience you’re reporting happened a very long time ago, and you understand that Lisa was a child who may have changed and grown considerably since then, but that given the extreme nature of how she treated you, you feel compelled to share it in the interest of the well-being of current students. Then, relay what you’ve told me here. You’ve laid out how Lisa treated you, how her behavior affected you, and the responsibility you feel to speak up quite poignantly. I think you can express your hope and desire that the principal will then proceed with due diligence and follow up accordingly. When you share all this, I hope the principal will listen carefully and thoughtfully, will empathize with you, and will engage with you by asking thorough follow-up questions. That’s what I hope. I can’t promise you should expect it. Even if you do have the affirming conversation you deserve, I would not expect any specific promises, commitments, or disclosures as an outcome. A school principal does have procedural responsibilities toward their employees, and any subsequent actions taken will likely be internal. You could also email the superintendent with a brief summary of your conversation as an additional layer of accountability, but again, you will probably not be included in any next steps.


I think having this conversation will mean you’ve done what you can to take reasonably concerned action based on your past history with Lisa, while also recognizing that you can’t account for her beliefs or behaviors as an adult. I wonder how you’ll feel after, though. Maybe reporting your experiences will give you the peace you need. If this has reopened wounds in yourself that need to heal, though, then I’d seek therapy with a practitioner skilled in supporting recovery from racial trauma. You endured real pain in your formative years, and you deserve kind, thoughtful, informed care if you need it. No matter how adeptly they listen to you or follow up on your concerns, you will not receive that care and healing from the leaders of Lisa’s district, so please seek it out on your own behalf if that feels right.

I’ll be thinking about you.

—Ms. Bauer (middle and high school teacher, New York)

Comments

My heart bleeds for the LW

[minoanmiss]

Oh, my sister. I hear you. I wish I could encourage you to do this. I really wish I could. I absolutely would want to in your place and I would not bet $5 that Lisa has changed at all. Some people are just plain rotten, and at least half our society agrees with her, so why should she change? Hold fast against those who tell you to forgive and forget because it was "long ago" or "just childhood" or whatever. Childhood is foundational and Lisa set out to destroy yours.

But that's not the question you asked. I'm not a teacher, but I used to work in a couple of schools. I'm really glad you were advised not to go to the school board, because here is what would have happened in that public school board meeting: everyone would have gasped, and then they would have come for you. They would have shouted you down and asked "how can you attack such a clean lovely excellent woman as Lisa?" and used any eexpression of any emotion on your part as evidence you're dangerous enough to throw out, possibly to call the police upon.

I would not bet $5 that the principal will do anything other than hum and nod and dismiss you as soon as you're off the phone, unless they are particularly invested in the safety of kids of color (and, well, even we get encouraged to put kids of color last in the name of "impartiality". ) I'm honestly not sure you could do anything -- you obviously can't warn Lisa's students' parents, it'll be too easy to spin into stalking and an insane obsession. I do think that the privacy of a phone call will help the principal not be defensive and maybe even bother to think. I can but hope.

Most of all I hope you can have peace with this. Not forgetting, not forgiveness for someone who deliberately denied your humanity and would likely do so again given the opportunity. But I hope this doesn't make you feel ill with rage, or disturb your thoughts, or otherwise hurt you. And I kind of wish a piano would fall on Lisa and I don't care who judges me for it, but I hope she can be out of your head either way.

With all hugs and support,
another Black girl

[julian]

Basically, yes. Talk to the principal, and gauge whether he/she is paying attention to you, and also whether this is news or not. (Sometimes, frequently, it isn't.)

Also, if you're now a parent, talk to other parents about this. Both from a support perspective, but also to let them know what's going on.

I do think the school board might be called for further down the line, if you find out she hasn't changed an iota, and that the school is still protecting her.

[conuly]

I suppose the best case scenario is that Lisa grew as a person and is no longer a bigot who wants to harm children, because I don't know if bringing this forward - especially without evidence of current misbehavior - is going to get any sort of results, unfortunately. Which sucks if she hasn't grown and does harm children.

[melannen]

LW, I don't have high hopes that you will do any good, but if you're set on contacting the school, a phone call with the principal is a better idea than a meeting. A physical letter to the principal in the mail might also be worth trying; there is no guarantee you would get a response but it might at least stay on file if other issues with her come up, and writing it out and mailing it might at least give you the sense that you have done the thing.

But procedure wise, I would say the #1 thing is to figure out if you're interested in having any contact with Lisa, and then making that boundary clear to whoever you contact. It sounds like what you probably want to do is say, hopefully in writing/email, "I am still traumatized by my experiences with her, so do not give her my name or provide her with any other way to contact me". Otherwise you've got pretty good odds the person you contact will decide that what you need to do is talk it out with her or accept an apology or that they need to give her a copy of your letter and nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nopen.

[julian]

Oh, geez, good point. Noooooooope.