agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Amy,

Am I racist?

A couple of teenagers were at my front door, and I shouted to my husband: "Hey, there are some Black kids at the door, and I don't have time to deal with them."

Kids at the door in my neighborhood are usually selling something or are looking for yard work.

My biracial future daughter-in-law was present when I did this and took offense. Apparently, behind my back, she and my stepson discussed how "un-woke" I am.

Anyway, I love these two so much that as soon as I learned she had been offended, I immediately sent a note of apology to her.

I am in my 60s and was raised in the South.

My grandfather referred to all Black people using the N word.

However, I was active in civil rights during my youth.

I was the first white student at my high school who insisted to be put on bathroom cleaning duty just like the students of color had to. (The white students got to work in the office.)

As a reporter for a newspaper in the South, I had a gun pulled on me as I was covering a boycott of white businesses.

But these kids have never bothered to ask.

I meant no harm referring to these teens as "Black kids."

I don't enjoy receiving a lecture on being "woke" from two suburban Midwesterners, one of whom has traveled the world working with the disadvantaged.

I know their hearts are in the right place, but what about giving someone the benefit of a doubt, before inferring they are racist?

Do you identify white people who come to your front door using their race as the primary descriptive? I assume not.

So yes, you doing so only with Black people is a racist way to communicate.

You seem to believe that because you aren't as racist as you were raised to be (and have demonstrated some admirable moments of not being racist), this means that you have conquered racism.

This is an extremely flimsy defense.

You also believe that this young couple should not throw down the race card because you have faced a variety of racial issues over time.

But if all your previous experiences (including reporting for a newspaper) didn't teach you that all human beings need to continue to learn, grow, and change, then what was the point of having these experiences?

If you have apologized without understanding what you are apologizing for, then your apology doesn't mean much.

The word "woke" is being bandied about a lot lately and applied in many different contexts, but I take being woke as the ultimate goal of the lifelong process of awakening to the human experience, as it is lived by others.

So, wake up, already!

https://www.providencejournal.com/story/lifestyle/advice/2021/12/07/homeowners-racial-call-out-offends-family-ask-amy/8763613002/

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Geez. Way to make it all about you, LW. Just stop doing this!

Bad question: Am I racist? (Translation: tell me I'm a good person and don't have anything to worry about! Tell me I am in the Right Category! Reassure me that I'm not evil!)

Good question: What am I doing that hurts other people? What can I do differently? How am I, in my actions and words, consciously or unconsciously, reinforcing unjust patterns in society? How can I change my habits so that they are kinder and better represent my ideals?

What's really important here, LW? Being reassured of your unimpeachable moral purity, or your relationship with your stepson and future daughter-in-law? You hurt someone you care about. Focus there. What can you do to behave better toward her? Not because you want Woke Points to wave in the face of the next person who thinks you're racist, but because she's a person and you want to be good to her, not hit her with microaggressions and never be questioned. She trusted you enough to tell you that you hurt her. Now you get to decide to be worthy of that trust.

She trusted you enough to tell you that you hurt her.

Well, no, she didn't. LW says she and Stepson discussed it "behind [LW's] back". Given LW's response - and honestly, I really would love to read that apology note! - that's not unreasonable.

Apparently at some point they gave her a "lecture" together, though! That's kind of what I was trying to point at - instead of seeing that as discrediting LW's history of activism or identity as anti-racist, she should take that as giving her credit as someone who could potentially be reasoned with. (Talking to each other first to get straight what they wanted to say to her is totally reasonable though, and it's clear that LW is looking for reasons to think of them as The Unreasonable Mean Ones when she pulls that "behind my back" nonsense.)

When I stopped calling certain family members on their bigoted bullshit, it wasn't respect - it was despair. If they're willing to tell her what she did wrong, that is a sign that all is not lost (yet) and LW should think about that and whether or not she really wants her future daughter-in-law to never be honest with her again. Or if she wants any contact with their family at all, or just to be one of the relatives they never visit.

she should take that as giving her credit as someone who could potentially be reasoned with.

This this this this so much this. I can say as a Black woman that I argue with those I think might hear me -- i don't bother trying to talk to those I know won't. Which does the LW want to be?

What LW DID was horribly racist and probably hurt the kids at the door if they heard her. :(

Do you identify white people who come to your front door using their race as the primary descriptive? I assume not.

That's a bold assumption to apply to me at least.

(I live in an area where if there are some black kids at the door, I want whoever answers the door to be aware so they don't get the usual 'whaddyawant, go away' treatment, they get treated like actualfax humans.)

I think Amy has a poitn about who is seen as and spoken of as "marked" (such as Black people) vs unmarked (such as White people). If you do actually refer to White people specifically as White, rather than the more common parlance that "people" = "White people" by default, just like you refer to Black people as Black, that's commendable, and in my experience unusual.

Nice resume, LW. Do you want a "absolved of all racism forevermore" badge?

God help me, I'm so tired.

Edited 2021-12-09 16:53 (UTC)

Wow, good for you Amy. I had to double check and see which column this was.

and wow LW is insufferable.